Still Game · Season 1
[To the neds] I'll get my grandson, Joe, here on ye.
Ooooh.
He's a boxer.
Aye, I can tell that, taking all those boxes intae the shop.
[Neds laugh]
His hands are classed as dangerous weapons.
Are your specs classified an' awe'? Ya specky auld bastard.
Do you mind what this place used tae be like when they built it at first? "Craiglang: developing for the future".
Aye, aye. "Craiglang: modernity beckons".
"Craiglang: tomorrow's already here."
Craiglang....
Shitehole!
Consider this: Yir warm noo, but how's it gaun'ae be in a wee stoany jail cell, with nothing to heat ye up, but a hot boabie - RIGHT up yir arse!
He must have died, then they cut his phone aff...cause he didnae pay his bill...cause he cudnae...cause he was deid.
[Jack and Victor are on a double date at The Clansman. Jack's date is a rather attractive older woman; Victor's is a rather squat woman with unkempt hair and buck teeth.]
Hello, lads.
Hi, Winston.
And hello, ladies. I'm Winston.
Hello, Winston.
Are you still barred?
Aye. Here, which one of you two unlucky bastards is saddled with the munchkin?
Right, that's it!
Where are you going?
Home! I'm no' sitting in my local with that thing, Jack!
Oh, that's just perfect! You're going AWOL and leaving me with these two women?
I only saw one woman, Jack! I don't know what that other one is!
A munchkin, sure.
Shut up!
[Making phrases to win a scone competition] Where's my scone? Where's my scone? Ah there it is, next to the phone!
A scone and tea at half past three, makes the day a little brighter. So you can keep your cakes and fancy tarts....
...and stick them up your shiter.
Fire. Man's oldest flame.
Here, you!
Who, me?
Aye, you! Auld yin!
What is it?
What you daein wi' that bush? Are you George Bush?
[laughs] George Bush! Ask him if he's Kate Bush, go on, ask him!
Shut up! Are you Kate Bush?
Aye, that's right(!)
Sing us a song, Kate Bush!
Good morning, Doctor
(Speaks to pretend intercom) Hold all calls, Linda.
Linda?
I had to let Agnes go, she was an arsehole.
That's a bloody liberty that, I liked that woman, she was almost ready for retirement.
Too bad, I call the shots, and she's sacked. Now what is wrong with you?
I'm depressed...
And how is this depression manifesting itself?
I cannot be arsed with anything or anybody.
Well, it sounds like you're depressed, but I am afraid I cannae help ye.
How?
'Cause I just gied the last o' ma tablets to a lovely big fella called Victor McDade!
[Jack and Victor are visiting their respective wives' graves]
You're a creepy bastard!
How?
Talking to Betty like that, as if she were still alive. "Oh, I might be getting back on the road again!"
What's wrong with that? You're the creepy bastard!
And how would that be?
Standing there in silence, all remorseful. "Oh, look at me mourning!"
Better than talking to the bloody deid, in't it? It's no' just that. You leave a wee gap, as if she's gonnae answer, as if she's still here.
She is still here, in my heart!
Birthday caird pish!
[Talks to his wife's grave] Ignore him, my sweet. We'll soon be together.
[Mutters] Jesus!
What's that? Well put, yes. He is an arsehole!
Shut up!
What's the matter with you? This is how it's gonnae be, Jack. Me and my beloved, lying out together!
Aye! Two old skeletons, holding their bony hands together with just your wee wedding rings hanging off your scraggy knuckles!
Comes to us all! In fact, have a wee lie down, enjoy the view!
What view? You'll be deid! You'll see hee-haw! Your eye sockets'll be full of beasties!
[Laughs heartily] Ach, I'm only winding you up!
Aye, well...
Come on. [Addresses Betty's grave] Cheery-bye, Betty, my darling!
[Both walk out of shot, then Jack walks back to Betty's grave]
Call me an arsehole, Betty!
[Jack and Victor are stood at a bus stop; we see a middle-aged man and his mother walk towards the bus stop, carrying bags of shopping]
Freezin', eh, Ma?
Oh, aye, Martin.
I cannae wait to get up the road, eh, Ma?
Neither can I, Martin.
Aye, with some soup when we get in, and then we can have a cup of tea with some snowballs, eh, Ma?
I didnae get any snowballs, Martin.
Nae snowballs?!
Naw.
You stupid... auld... cow!
Relax, Martin, you've got an empire biscuit.
I'm no' wantin' an empire biscuit, I'm wantin' a snowball!
TAXI!
[We see a passing taxi, which Jack and Victor get into]
Maybe if you have a jobby, Martin, your ma can wipe your arse for ye, Martin!
Hey! Look! It's Lambert and Butler!
Shut it, Boabby. You're the only fag in here.
How does this sound; I'll worry about my bar, and you two worry about if you're gonna make it through another winter?!
[After Pete the Jakey claims to be working for Internal Operations]
Who'd you think you are, 007?!
Aye, licence to get pished!
[hums the James Bond theme] The name's Bastard, Alkie Bastard!
Vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Seven of them and a kebab!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Still Game pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
