Tom Paris quotes from Star Trek: Voyager

Tom Paris

What I wouldn't give now for a Whoopee Cushion

Harry Kim

A What?

Tom Paris

Ancient technology.

[to Commander Harkins] You've put me in a difficult position, son. I was hoping that we'd be able to-

We're receiving a transmission.

From where?

Coordinates 343.6 by 27.

The wormhole.

Capt. Janeway

[cuts in audio] Starfleet Command. Come in.

[soft voice] Voyager.

Reg, give me a hand clearing up the signal. [Paris gestures Barclay to do it]

Lower the filter band by 0.3 kilohertz.

Janeway

This is Capt. Kathryn Janeway, do you read me?

[to Barclay] I think she's talking to you.

Captain, this is Lt. Reginald Barclay at Starfleet Command.

Janeway

It's good to hear your voice, Lieutenant. We've been waiting a long time for this moment.

The feeling is mutual. Unfortunately, the micro-wormhole is collapsing. We have only a few moments.

Janeway

Understood. [signals Tuvok] We're transmitting our ship's logs, crew reports, and navigational records to you now.

Acknowledged. And we're sending you data on some new hypersubspace technology. We're hoping eventually to use it to keep in regular contact, and we're including some recommended modifications for your comm system.

Janeway

We'll implement them as soon as possible.

There's someone else here who would also like to say something.

This is Admiral Paris.

Janeway

Hello, sir.

How are your people holding up?

Janeway

Very well. They're an exemplary crew. Your son included.

Tell him... Tell him I miss him. And I'm proud of him.

Janeway

He heard you, Admiral.

The wormhole is collapsing..

I want you all to know we're doing everything we can to bring you home.

Janeway

We appreciate it, sir. Keep a docking bay open for us. We hope to see you - [signal is cut]

That's it. They're gone.

You did it, Reg. I'm sorry I doubted you.

Why the long face, Mr. Barclay?

Because... because it's over, sir.

No, Lieutenant. I'd say that "Project: Voyager" is just beginning. Thanks to you.

Tom Paris

There's a creepy image. Reminds me of something out of Edgar Allan Poe.

Harry Kim

Looks like a vampire bat. You can make out the wings. Even the ears. What do you see, Tuvok?

Tuvok

[deadpan] Two Starfleet officers. With juvenile imaginations.

Harry Kim

Congratulations, buddy.

Tom Paris

Where did you hear the news [about B'Elanna's pregnancy] ? In the datastream from Earth?

Harry Kim

Actually, I think it was a transmission from the Borg.

Tom Paris

[to the Captain] What was I supposed to say? [referring to accepting a fight to the death with T'Greth]

B'Elanna Torres

How about NO?

Tom Paris

They were all watching--there would have been a riot if I refused.

So you're going to get yourself killed?!

Tom Paris

... what makes you so sure I'd lose?

Tom Paris

Maybe we should name her Kuvah'magh. [referring to his and B'Elanna's child]

B'Elanna Torres

Add it to the list.

Are you the EMH?

Tom Paris

[playing as an EMH] Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

Our doctor's dead--we got wounded! [Walks him over to two patients lying on the biobeds] They're both badly hurt. Who should we treat first?

Tom Paris

Uhh... [begins scanning a patient with a tricorder] second-degree plasma burns. [walks over to another patient and begins scanning] He's got an aortic rupture. Get him to the surgical bay now! [the Ensign picks up the patient and walks him over to the surgical bay, a character who looks like Chakotay walks in carrying a wounded officer]

Chakotay

[To Tom Paris] You! Over here! [Tom Paris walks over to the injured character and gazes at him because the officer is based off of his own physical parameters]

Tom Paris

Nice mustache.

What?

Tom Paris

Umm... nothing. [Begins scanning the officer] He's got a mild concussion. I'm going to have to treat the others first.

Chakotay

I need Lieutenant Marseille on the bridge. You'll treat him now.

Tom Paris

As I understand it, my job is to treat the critical patients first. So if you'll excuse me... [Tom Paris walks over to the critically injured patient, but Chakotay raises a force field]

Chakotay

I don't know who you think you are, hologram, but to me you're just another piece of technology.

Tom Paris

But apparently, I'm a piece of technology that's in demand, so why don't you go back to the bridge and let me do my job?! [Captain Janeway walks into sickbay]

Janeway

What's going on here?

Chakotay

Our medical hologram is refusing to treat Mr. Marseille. [Janeway walks over to Tom Paris]

Janeway

Are you malfunctioning?

Tom Paris

I don't think so.

Janeway

I need my helmsman back to his station.

Tom Paris

Lieutenant Marseille is not seriously hurt. This man will be dead in five minutes if I don't operate. [Janeway looks over to Chakotay]

Janeway

Drop the force field. [Chakotay complies. Janeway walks over to the critically injured patient, pulls out a phaser, and kills him] That patient is dead. Now you're free to treat Lieutenant Marseille. [Tom Paris is shocked]

Harry Kim

Captain Janeway murders a crewman? [referring to The Doctor's story]

Tom Paris

No. Captain Jenkins. Everybody has a different name: you're Kimble, [To B'Elanna Torres] you're Torry, and I am Lieutenant Marseille.

B'Elanna Torres

Oh, now that's creative!

B'Elanna Torres

It's been months since I've been on an away mission.

Tom Paris

Then try the holodeck. The Flyer is full.

B'Elanna Torres

You can make room. Neelix doesn't have to go.

Tom Paris

He's not six months pregnant.

B'Elanna Torres

Being pregnant doesn't make me an invalid.

Tom Paris

[sighs] No, it doesn't. But there's a toxic atmosphere down there, and you're breathing for two.

B'Elanna Torres

[sighs] All right, you win. But if we have another baby, you carry it, and I'll go on the away missions.

Tom Paris

It's a deal. [they kiss]

Joe has quite a flair for romantic gestures.

Tom Paris

"Joe"?

The Doctor

I... decided I couldn't get married without a name.

Tom Paris

It took you thirty-three years to come up with "Joe"?

The Doctor

It was Lana's grandfather's name...

Harry Kim

Captain Proton would never walk away from a mission like this.

Tom Paris

Captain Proton doesn't have a wife, and a baby on the way.

Lt. Torres

[in labor] If you tell me to relax one more time, I'm gonna rip your holographic HEAD off!

The Doctor

I hope you don't intend to kiss your baby with that mouth.

Tell me this isn't another false alarm.

The Doctor

This isn't another false alarm.

I can't believe it.

Torres

[strained] Oh, believe it.

I might actually win.

Torres

What?

The baby pool. I picked today, 1500 hours.

Torres

I'm so glad I could accommodate you.

The Doctor

Don't celebrate yet. Klingon labor can sometimes last several days. [B'Elanna Torres grabs him by the shirt and screams] Of course, I'm sure that won't be the case here.

Captain Kathryn Janeway

Mr. Paris, what's our position?

Tom Paris

Right where we expected to be.

Seven of Nine

Transwarp Network has been obliterated Captain.

Captain Kathryn Janeway

We'll celebrate later. Mr. Tuvok?

[confused, to the firing fleet] Cease fire!

Captain Kathryn Janeway

[upon seeing Starfleet onscreen] We did it!

We're being hailed.

Captain Kathryn Janeway

On screen. [Admiral Paris appears on screen] Sorry to surprise you, next time we'll call ahead!

Welcome back.

Captain Kathryn Janeway

It's good to be here.

But how did you...?

Captain Kathryn Janeway

It'll all be in my report.

I look forward to it. [viewscreen shuts off]

Captain Kathryn Janeway

(to herself, sadly) Thanks for your help, Admiral Janeway.