Smiling Friends · Season 1
Allan. We are so fucked.
Why?
I built this office thirty years ago without any permission from the city and used cheap laborers from the Enchanted Forest to do it. This building is a fucking mess. It violates every code in the books! You really thought it was legal to build a giant yellow smiley face between two buildings?
I don't know.
Do you realize? Do you realize something? If we fail this inspection, we could lose our office and we'd have to move out of it?
No.
Yo, dude? Uh, I really hate to ask this, I seriously do, uh, but, I'm— I'm starting to crash kinda hard right now just 'cause we've been walking around and I haven't gotten food all day. If, if with full due respect to you, uh sir, if you could just make me literally one more silly sausage I'd be so, I'd be— that'd be enough to get me until dinner.
WHAT?! What the FUCK is wrong with you two?!
Woah hey, calm down dude.
Yeah, we're just trying to help.
[completely losing his mind] HELP?! I called you to make me smile, and I've never felt worse in my entire fucking life! You both fucking suck at your job! Asking me about silly sausages after you failed me-- Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You guys are just like everybody else, you don't take me fucking seriously!
What the hell? This guy is freaking out!
[A small crowd gathers around him. They begin laughing.]
[completely lost in his insanity] Fuck you! Fuck you all! I don't care if you people don't like me! I don't care-- I don't--you people have broken me! I don't care if you LAUGH at me! I'm gonna speak my mind! This country! Is! FAILING!!!!!
HE'S SO FUNNY AND SILLY!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Wow! So my building is perfectly safe?
Fuck no, it's the worst building I've seen in my entire life and you failed miserably. But that skeleton in the wall, that was-- that was funny as shit. I had a good time hanging out with you guys.
Yo guys, it's me, Charlie. Hey, did that guy just turn into sand?
Ey, man, I'm sorry to interrupt you, bro. I just wanted to tell you, like, I'm a huge fan, bruh. The TV stuff, the Presidency, everything you ever did man. Like... you wanna fuck my girlfriend?
[Mr. Frog raises his fist to punch the patron, but lowers it quickly.]
Oh, I can't be bothered.
Hey, the offer still stands, amigo. Look -- [places his keys on Mr. Frog's table] That's us. Room 302, up to you, man.
If you're feeling down, maybe you need / To check and see if you got all you need / How about friends? You've got me and Charlie! / And we'll be nice friends to you / What about love? Another thing that's good / Love makes the world feel yummy and good / And what about family? Family is key! / Look at this little family of bees! / There are so many--!
[Mr. Frog, without warning, kicks Pim in the face hard enough to knock him unconscious]
OH MY GOD, DUDE!
Haven't heard from you in a while.
Yeah, I've been busy.
You know, your mother passed away three months ago. Cancer. She asked about you. Everyone does. Saw you on that TV show, eating that bug or whatever it was. And we all saw you become President. Everyone said to me "Oh, how's your boy doing? You must be so proud of him!" I would nod my head. But I didn't have the heart to tell 'em I was embarrassed. Embarrassed to see you on that TV screen, making a fool of yourself. Making a fool of the Frog name! Do you have any idea -- any idea how hard it's been for me?!
I-I'm sorry.
Sorry?! Be sorry for your poor mother, whose last words were "Where is he? Where's my boy? Where's my boy?" No! No! You walked out on this family, and now you come back? Now?! You have the nerve to show your face around here? You're a disgrace! Get out of my house! [turns away from him and cries silently as he leaves] I have no son...
Goodbye.
Explain to me -- how did the Magic Bullet go through President Shrimp's head, into the governor in front of him, then into the driver to the left of him, then behind him into his wife, and then back into President Shrimp's head? Explain that to me, man.
I don't-- I don't know. I don't like to think about that stuff, Charlie, to be honest.
Is that really what I look like, man? I need to lose weight fuckin' immediately. That is really, really bad, dude.
[laughs] A classic Charlie line. I knew you'd say a funny quippy line like that. How cute, how quaint, how interesting, how cool, how queer, HOW FUNNY, HOW SILLY, HOW--
You know I just gotta say, uh, we avoided seeing it the whole time, Pim. And I saw it right there and it was not as bad as I thought, it looked pretty good.
The penis? Yeah,I saw too. Yeah, it looked good. looked like a good penis. Yeah.
'Cause he hyped it up and said it would be horrible, and said it'd be ugly.
I thought it looked delicious.
(Charlie, Pim, and Glep turn their heads to him)
What's that?
I thought the penis looked delicious.
Hm,that's weird. I guess I'm not the only one that's not cursed.
(Pim tilts his flashlight down, revealing that the lower half of Allan has somehow become a spider.)
Allan, you're a spider!
No, I was always like this. Me was born this way.
[Mr. Boss and Smiling Friends arrive at the vacation cabin]
All right, make yourselves at home. If you guys get hungry, there's all the slop you can eat. I got a sweet hot tub in the back you can chill out in, and I got Super Monkey Ball for the GameCube.
Oh, I love Super Monkey Ball!
Dude, you like Super Monkey Ball? Pim, bro, I knew I liked you, dude. Come here, bring it in- bring it in, brother!
(Mr.Boss and Pim dab up in rotoscope.)
Oh thanks. Thanks, Mr. Boss, that's nice.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Smiling Friends pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
