Smiling Friends · Season 1
You think I'm evil? You've misunderstood me! [begins crying]
Waitwaitwaitwait. Are you saying you didn't suck the boss's life out of him and put him into a scary coma so you could take over the business and give it all to Satan?
No, I did do all of that, but you didn't have to be so nasty about it!
Yo.
Uh... Yo, what's up? What's up, man?
Vanessa's over; we're trying to watch TV. You're being incredibly loud.
Uh... You just-- Like, my volume, or--?
(starting to get annoyed) Yeah, "volume". That's what "loud" means, doesn't it?
Yeah-- I have the door closed, I mean...
We're on the couch, on the other side of this paper-thin wall, we're trying to watch a nice, romantic movie, and all we're hearing is injecting DNA into an egg!
Yeah, well, that's what I do, yeah.
(fed up with his excuses now) Yeah, that's what you do- you waste time. You do stupid shit, all the time!
You know, this-- this is what I care about, Doug. C'mon.
This is what you care about?! Care about something better! Care about yourself, maybe- care about me! The people who are keeping you alive!
I-- I care about you! This is, like, my-- This is my job, basically.
(knowing full well his excuses are just bullshit) Oh, no, you care about me? That's so good! You know what you oughtta do- "your job"? Get an actual job! Get one that pays you!
You know, I looked? It's a hard economy out there right now!
"It's a hard economy?" How about the economy of my patience, it's runnin' thin, buddy! Paper-thin, like these walls.
Dude, you have your problems, too. Like--
(finally snaps) I've got my prob--? Okay, okay! Get the fuck out!
I--
GET THE FUCK! OUT! Go!
I oughtta knock your block off, you little freak.
Pim, the world we live in stresses me out, dude.
Really? Why?
Just, like, never-ending constant chaos, no-- It-- It never lets up. I hate it, I-- It's not good.
Oh, okay. I mean... Like, you didn't like when the man came out of the egg, though? That was kinda nice, wasn't it?
No, that's what I'm talking about. That's exactly what I mean.
Oh, oh. You didn't like that-- Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.
What? It's not-- You didn't do it, it's not your fault.
Yeah, okay.
Wait, what? What am-- Dude, what am I looking at? What is that?
Charlie, that-- that's not Earth, right?
[Reveal: The Flat Earth.]
Pim, that's completely flat, that a hun-- that's a hundred percent flat, dude!
I know, that's what I mean, that-- I'm-- that's what I'm saying, that-- That can't be real, right? That's not, like--
I-- It-- We're looking at it, dude! That-- The-- The Earth is, uh-- the Earth is flat! The Earth-- I just-- look at-- I dunno, the Earth is flat!
Charlie, the Earth can't actually be flat, right?
There's the glass dome! Dude, dude, oh my God, dude, oh my--
This is-- This can't be real.
I need to sit down.
This can't--
Pim, we-- we need to take this to the grave, we cannot tell anybody. This changes literally every-- This changes everything.
No, I-- I know. I c-- We can't-- We can never tell-- We can never tell anyone.
I might actually puke, get back a little. I might puke. Stand back. I'm gonna throw up.
Oh my-- Okay.
I'm gonna throw up.
The Earth is flat, Charlie.
I know.
Wait! Before you kill us, can we at least speak to the leader of this wonderful country?
Okay. [Takes off black hood and puts on a crown.]
Oh… okay. I tried.
I learned today that all cultures are equal and there’s no such thing as a bad culture.
[Mr. Boss and Oscar kiss.]
Thank you for showing me the silliness of my ways, Pim. I formally declare an end to the eye rule, AND ALL RULES FOR THAT MATTER! NO MORE RULES!!!
[The Spamtopians start cheering as the entire country descends into anarchy and chants "No more rules", a frantic montage showing them murdering each other, committing arson, robbing banks and detonating bombs, taking the "no rules" rule so literally that the laws of physics seem to stop working and Spamtopia implodes in on itself in a massive pile of debauchery as Pim and Mr. Boss watch on. They duck away from an explosion, so violent it literally blows on-screen subtitles saying "no more rules" clean off-screen.]
...we should probably go, Mr. Boss.
Yeah, okay, no, let's-let's get out of here.
[Opening the back door of the building.] What’s all the commotion out here, boys?
The snowman came to life. There must have been some magic in that old daffodil I found.
You mean the daffodils that grow out of my nuclear waste?
[Cut to spilled nuclear waste, where the daffodils are grown into them.]
Oh I must’ve missed that.
You brought a snowman to life only to teach him he’s gonna die someday? You might be a psychopath, Pim.
What do we do now?
I don’t know man, I don’t know, I’m still processing the fact that Bill Nye, the freakin’ science guy, just passed on, and we saw it. I wa- I was like the biggest fan of his show, I knew the theme song, ♪Bill Nye the-♪ I-I can’t d- I’m not gonna do it but yeah I’m… I’m like a mega fan so that was hard to watch.
You know Allan you’re-you’re not just a pretty face man, y-you know you a-you also got some brains up there, did you know that?
Mr. Boss, you’re having the time of your life back there.
Yeah, are you okay?
[chuckling] I don’t know, I love my boys!
I love all you guys.
I love- I love all of you too. This is great.
This is a great day to be a Smiling Friend.
[Mr. Boss chuckles some more.]
I love being here, this is a fun energy, I like this place.
Oh hi Rotten, I’m just grabbing some ice. How’s living forever going?
Well, I’m not dead, but… I’m not really living either. I mean… Pim, how do you do it?
Well… I don’t know, sometimes life can be scary, but that’s also what makes it exciting.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, BOYS!
That was 6 months ago, Mr. Boss, but we still love you!
God, the Boss is funny, he re- no yo- I'll tell you something, he really is funny, and he really should do standup and… [Allan walks to watch] and I love Bill Nye's ghost, so that's awesome, and… [Zoey, Marge, and Glep walk to watch too.] Allan built the rocket shoes and Pim, you made that snowman come to life with the flower… Wow, I just I love my friends, and I love my God, and I love my country, and… uhh, and God bless America I guess, what else can you say?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Smiling Friends pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
