I just masturbated to heighten my focus. I have a 15-minute refractory period.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Take Dinesh and Gilfoyle. They are wasting an enormous amount of time arguing. What if we were to separate them, right? Divide their existing work space into two areas. We could put in some kind of portable barrier...
He's talking about cubicles!
We are not doing cubicles. No way!
No, no, no. Don't think of it as a cubicle. Just think of it as a neutral-colored enclosure, about yay-high, around your workspace.
I don't get it. Doesn't Peter Gregory want what's best for the company?
Look. I'm going to be straight with you. Peter Gregory doesn't care.
About...?
You.
Wait. Just him or both of us?
Any of you. Pied Piper.
OK... Uh, well, then why did he back us? Does he just want to piss off Gavin Belson? He spent two hundred thousand dollars just to...
Yeah, that's nothing! Peter would spend millions just to mildly annoy Gavin. These are billionaires, Richard. Humiliating each other is worth more to them than we'll make in a lifetime.
DDoctor
I don’t know how you did it, but you essentially aged 40 years in the last seven weeks. We had a meth addict in here this morning who was biologically younger than you are, and he’s 58. MySpace guy.
The point is, I learned Ruby on Rails over a weekend when I was 17. I should be able to learn cloud, I have to.
DDoctor
Can I give you my professional opinion, as your doctor? You should have taken that ten million dollars from Gavin Belson, OK? But regrets will kill ya so try not to dwell on it.
Richard, you're a fucking rock star, OK? You just don't know cloud, this tiny, little, shitty area, which is becoming super important, and in many ways is the future of computing... That sort of went south on me, but you understand what I'm saying.
As shocking as this is... Tara is attracted to you.
Come again?
Yeah, freaked me out too, at first.
I don't like the "at first" part at all.
You’re probably right, she just wanted to fuck a Danish.
[From outside the van on the highway]
I don't know how you read your screen in the car; it makes me sick as a dog.
I'm okay as long as I don't think about it. Besides, the presentation is tomorrow.
So if you just don't think about it, it really doesn't bother you to be staring at the screen when the car's moving and turning and you're all queasy...
[Richard sticks his head out the window and vomits]
Gilfoyle!
See, I knew it bothers you. Fucking liar.
It's not her you're sexually attracted to, it's my code.
Shut the... That is the most disgusting fucking thing I've ever h...
Just face it, Dinesh, you're gay for my code, you're code gay.
No! No, I'm into her. Her, OK? Fuck your code!
You'd like to fuck my code, wouldn't you? Hey, would you like to masturbate to the subroutine I just wrote?
...and then I'll sort of close right here in the center with a confidence and poise that, well, they probably won't have seen up until this point. And then at that point we've got some photos that we're gonna throw up on the big screen.
STSound Tech
Photos?
Yeah, you know, just a few. Gandhi, MLK, me as an inquisitive child...
Where the hell have you been?
There's been some developments. You know how I fucked Melcher's old wife? I fucked his new wife too.
What?
Don't worry, he's not gonna find out. I left way before he got back last night, and I didn't go back this morning until twenty minutes after he'd left.
You went back?
How many times did you fuck this woman?
The old wife or the new wife?
The new wife.
Last night or this morning?
Erlich, what were you thinking? This is kind of a big day today.
Relax, he's not gonna find out. She's not gonna tell him.
How the fuck do you know that?
Because she'd have to be crazy to tell him, and I asked her point-blank if she was crazy, and she swore to me, no, she's not crazy.
[After Erlich negotiated to get a suite after being assaulted by Melcher]
I was already happy you got punched in the face, but now I’m super happy!
Anyone who tells you their platform is faster than ours better have good lawyers.
We have to act like any animal that's been cornered, acting erratically and blindly lashing out at anything around us.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Silicon Valley pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.