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All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Sherlock and John exit Irene's house after disarming the agents sent to ambush them]
We should call the police!
Yes. [fires a gun repeatedly into the air] On their way.
For God's sake...
Oh shut up, it's quick.
It's a disgrace, sending your little brother into danger like that. Family is all we have in the end, Mycroft Holmes.
Oh, shut up, Mrs Hudson.
SHSherlock Holmes and John Watson
Mycroft!
[A long pause] Apologies.
Thank you.
Though do in fact shut up.
[John's current girlfriend, Jeanette, offers Sherlock a drink]
No thank you Sarah.
[hurriedly trying to turn her away] Uh, no, no, no, no, no. He’s not good with names.
No-no-no, I can get this. No, Sarah was the doctor; and then there was the one with the spots; and then the one with the nose; and then ... who was after the boring teacher?
JJeanette
Nobody.
Jeanette! [grins falsely at her] Ah, process of elimination.
How’s the hip?
Ooh, it’s atrocious, but thanks for asking.
I’ve seen much worse, but then I do post-mortems.
[awkward silence]
Oh, God. Sorry.
Don't make jokes Molly.
No. Sorry. [Lestrade hands her a glass of red wine] Thank you. I wasn’t expecting to see you. I thought you were gonna be in Dorset for Christmas.
That’s first thing in the morning, me and the wife. We’re back together. It’s all sorted.
[offhandedly] No, she's sleeping with a P.E. teacher.
[Lestrade’s smile becomes rather fixed. Molly turns to John]
And John. I hear you’re off to your sister’s, is that right?
Yeah.
Sherlock was complaining- [gets a dirty look from Shelock] -Saying...
First time ever, she’s cleaned up her act. She’s off the booze.
[offhandedly] Nope.
Shut up Sherlock.
I am really sorry.
JJeanette
You know, my friends are so wrong about you.
Hmm?
JJeanette
You're a great boyfriend.
[surprised] Okay, that’s good. I mean, I always thought I was great.
JJeanette
And Sherlock Holmes is a very lucky man.
[groans] Jeanette please-
JJeanette
No, I mean it. It’s heart-warming. You’ll do anything for him – and he can’t even tell your girlfriends apart.
No, I’ll do anything for you. Just tell me what it is I’m not doing. Tell me!
JJeanette
Don’t make me compete with Sherlock Holmes.
I’ll walk your dog for you. Hey, I’ve said it now. I’ll even walk your dog-
JJeanette
I don't have a dog!
No, because that was...the last one. Okay.
JJeanette
Jesus!
[Jeanette storms out]
I'll call you!
JJeanette
No!
Okay.
[John turns back to face the rest of the room]
That really wasn’t very good, was it?
[A body at the morgue, face beyond recognition. Sherlock asks to view the full corpse, instantly identifies the naked body as Irene Adler's, and leaves.]
[to Mycroft]: How did Sherlock recognise her from -- not her face?
Look at them. They all care so much. Do you ever wonder if there's something wrong with us?
All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock.
[On Sherlock] He will outlive God trying to have the last word.
Does that make me special?
I don't know, maybe.
Are you jealous?
We're not a couple.
Yes you are. [Texting] There. "I'm not dead. Let's have dinner."
Who the hell knows about Sherlock Holmes, but... for the record, if anyone out there still cares — I'm not actually gay.
Well, I am. Look at us both.
[Neilson and his CIA agents have Mrs Hudson at gunpoint]
Oh, Sherlock!
Don't snivel, Mrs Hudson. It will do nothing to impede the flight of a bullet. What a tender world that would be.
NONote On Sherlock's Door
CRIME IN PROGRESS. PLEASE DISTURB.
Mrs Hudson's been attacked by an American. I'm restoring balance to the universe.
[on the phone] Lestrade? We've had a break-in at Baker Street. Send your least irritating officers and an ambulance. Oh, no-no-no-no, we're fine. No, it's the burglar. He's got himself rather badly injured. Oh, a few broken ribs, fractured skull, suspected punctured lung. He fell out of a window.
[Cuts to Mrs Hudson's downstairs flat, where John is cleaning her face]
Oh, it stings. [Neilson falls past the window and crashes on top of a dumpster] Oh, that was right on my bins. [Neilson is heard groaning in agony]
[Cuts to police officers and paramedics congregating outside as an ambulance leaves and Sherlock stands by Lestrade on the sidewalk]
DLDI Lestrade
And exactly how many times did he fall out the window?
Oh, it's all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count.
[After Mrs Hudson has been attacked]
She'll have to sleep upstairs in our flat tonight. We need to look after her.
No.
Nonsense, she's fine.
No she's not, look at her! She's got to take some time away from Baker Street. She can go and stay with her sister. [To Mrs Hudson] Doctor's orders.
Don't be absurd.
She's in shock, for God's sake, and all over some bloody stupid camera phone! Where is it, anyway?
Safest place I know.
[Mrs Hudson pulls the phone out from the front of her blouse]
You left it in the pocket of your second best dressing gown, you clot. [Hands the phone to Sherlock] I managed to sneak it out when they thought I was having a cry.
Thank you. Shame on you, John Watson!
Shame on me?
Mrs Hudson, leave Baker Street? England would fall!
I told you that camera phone was my life. I know when it's in my hands.
Oh, you're rather good.
You're not so bad.
[There is an awkward pause]
Hamish [Both turn and stare at him] John Hamish Watson. Just if you were looking for baby names.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Sherlock pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.