Sherlock · Season 1
[returning to the room] Sorry, boys! I'm soooo changeable. It is a weakness with me, but to be fair to myself, it is my only weakness. You can't be allowed to continue. You just can't. I would try to convince you, but everything I have to say has already crossed your mind.
Then probably my answer has crossed yours. [points gun at Moriarty, then points it down at John's explosive coat on the floor.]
[Continuing from the cliffhanger in "The Great Game", Sherlock is pointing a gun at John's explosive coat. Moriarty stares at Sherlock's decision with a touch of fear. Suddenly Staying Alive by Bee Gees plays. It's Moriarty's mobile phone]
Mind if I get that?
Oh no, please. You've got the rest of your life.
[Moriarty answers his phone]
Hello? ... Yes, of course it is, what do you want? [Mouthing to Sherlock] Sorry!
[Mouthing back sarcastically] Oh, it's fine!
[Listens to the phone for a moment, then shouts] SAY THAT AGAIN! [normal voice] Say that again and know if you are lying to me, I will find you and I will skin you!
They wouldn't let us see Grandad when he was dead. Is that cos he'd gone to heaven?
People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special room and burned.
Sherlock...
[Sherlock is at home. John is at a crime scene and the two are talking via video chat.]
You realise this is a tiny bit humiliating?
It's okay, I'm fine. Now... show me to the stream.
I didn't really mean for you.
Look, this is a six. There's no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a seven, we agreed. Now go back, show me the grass.
When did we agree that?
We agreed it yesterday.
I wasn't even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin.
It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.
Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?
I don't know, how often are you away?
There is a mute button and I will use it.
[In Buckingham Palace, Sherlock is wrapped in a sheet, apparently naked]
Are you wearing any pants?
...No.
Okay.
[Sherlock and John are in Buckingham Palace]
What are we doing here, Sherlock? Seriously, what?
I don't know.
Here to see the Queen?
[Mycroft Holmes walks in]
Oh, apparently yes.
[They fall about laughing whilst Mycroft stares disapprovingly]
Just once, can you two behave like grown-ups?
We solve crimes. I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold out too much hope.
[Mycroft hands Sherlock, who is still undressed, some clothes]
We are in Buckingham Palace, the very heart of the British nation. Sherlock Holmes, put your trousers on!
What for?
Mycroft, I don't do anonymous clients. I'm used to mystery at one end of my cases; both ends is too much work. [to the equerry who brought him in] Good morning.
[He starts to leave, but Mycroft stops him by putting one foot on the trailing sheet behind him, nearly pulling it right off]
This is a matter of national importance. Grow up.
[through gritted teeth] Get off my sheet!
Or what?
Or I'll just walk away.
I'll let you.
Boys, please. Not here.
Who. Is. My. Client?!
Take a look at where you're standing and make a deduction. You are to be engaged by the highest in the land. Now FOR GOD'S SAKE... [forcibly calms himself] put your clothes on!
[Mycroft pours tea]
I'll be mother.
And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell.
[Sherlock is learning about Irene Adler]
Who is she?
Irene Adler. Professionally known as ‘The Woman’.
John Watson "Professionally"?
There are many names for what she does. She prefers 'Dominatrix'.
Dominatrix?
Don't be alarmed. It's to do with sex.
Sex doesn't alarm me.
[smirking] How would you know? [Sherlock just looks at him] She provides, shall we say, "recreational scolding" to those who enjoy that sort of thing and are prepared to pay for it.
Punch me in the face.
Punch you?
Yes, punch me, in the face. Didn't you hear me?
I always hear "punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext.
Oh, for God's sake! [He punches John in the face. John punches him back] Thank you, John, that was-- [John tackles Sherlock and grabs him in a chokehold] Okay, I think that's enough now--
You want to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier! I killed people!
You were a doctor!
I had bad days!
Look at those cheekbones. I could cut myself slapping that face. Would you like me to try?
[Irene Adler is stark naked while introducing herself to Sherlock and John; Sherlock struggles to make deductions about her]
D'you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes? However hard you try, it’s always a self-portrait.
You think I'm a vicar with a bleeding face?
I think you're damaged, delusional and believe in a higher power. In your case, it's yourself. And somebody loves you... Oh, if I had to punch that face, [Looks at John] I'd avoid your nose and teeth too.
[Laughs] Could you put something on please, anything at all... a napkin?
Why? Are you feeling exposed?
I don't think John knows where to look. [Stands up and offers coat to Irene]
No, I think he knows exactly where. [Stands in front of John] I'm not sure about you. [Takes coat from Sherlock]
If I wanted to look at naked women, I'd borrow John's laptop.
You do borrow my laptop.
I confiscate it.
I like detective stories - and detectives. Brainy is the new sexy.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Sherlock pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
