Seinfeld · Season 1
Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door so you can see in.
Why?
To prevent an ambush.
Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.
But then anyone can just look in and see you.
Our policy is, we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if someone wants to help themselves to an eyeful, well, we say "Enjoy the show."
You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her?
Ah! the minute I saw this girl, we just clicked. She's got such a nice face... hmm, her eyes, her mouth, nose...
We know what a face consists of.
[reading the latest Ziggy comic] "The New Yorker's stealing my jokes". Ha, now that's funny... because it's true.
[Elaine's new boyfriend is poor]
We found out his super power is lack of money.
Very funny.
He's invulnerable to creditors.
Ha ha.
He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.
All right, that's enough.
Hey, Elaine, maybe his girlfriend is "Lois Loan".
Well crafted. [leaves, comes back] I forgot my glasses.
He can wipe out his checking account in a single bounce!
Keep 'em.
Maura I uh, I want you to know I've given this a lot of thought I'm sorry, but we uh we have to break up.
No.
What's that?
We're not breaking up.
We're not?
No.
[pauses for a moment] Alright.
What's that?
It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
How much was it?
Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.
Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?
Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street. Maybe it's hot — that's his favorite.
So Kramer's running for president of the condo?
Yeah, it's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes.
Who are they running against?
Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
So Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.
"It's me"? Isn't that a little premature?
I thought so.
She's not a me. I'm a me.
I'm against all "It's me's." So self-absorbed and egotistical. It's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!
I had 'em Jerry. They loved me.
And then?
I lost 'em. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting, but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffes and bad puns.
Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, say goodnight and walk off.
I can't return the book. It's been flagged in every Brentano's in town. So instead I'm going to steal it, return it, get my money back, and then everything will be even.
You defile one book, steal another, get your money back, and that seems even to you?
Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he phhhffew! He bolted.
Well, you know, 85% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fall within the first three months.
[to Newman] See, we should've gotten some collateral from him...like his bag of cans, or...his other bag of cans...
Hey, look at the high score. "G.L.C." George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?
Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in, like, ten years.
I remember that night.
Oh, I was UNSTOPPABLE! The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella... just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...
Here's your pizza, pea brains.
I think I remember why we stopped coming here.
Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this "Frogger" high score, that's it for me.
Believe me George; you can count on Slippery Pete.
Slippery Pete?
Yeah, I don't care for the name either.
Jerry, I've been thinking. I've gone as far as I can with "George Costanza".
Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?
The nickname... George, what is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up.
You mean like Liza?!
I was thinking T-Bone.
But there's no T in your name. What about G-Bone?
There's no G-Bone.
There's a G-Spot.
That's a myth.
[Kramer calling Jerry to pick him up from downtown]
Where are you?
I don't know
What street are you on?
[looks around] I'm on First and... First. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Seinfeld pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
