Scrubs · Season 1
I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.
I just put some pizza rolls in the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy dings we're good to go.
Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.
OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.
J.D.: No. No more. Here are some of the lies you've told us over the last five years: You went to Harvard. You have a wife who only has a pointer and thumb-pinky. You have a - a brother-dad, a mother-sister. You have two kids, no wait, you have one kid, no wait, you had a baby with a Chinese local, you're a deaf-mute, oh wait, now you're telling us that you're a world class hurdler and you slept with the beautiful and irreplaceable Amy Carter?
I - I didn't sleep with Amy Carter. We did everything but.
[Jordan and Elliot are in the cafeteria]
You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
You don't like Cox?
Actually, I love Cox.
[walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.
See, that's the problem.
[offscreen] This sausage is huge!
Excuse me ladies, I'm needed elsewhere.
[to Elliot] Don't tell anyone I'm nice.
I'm not sure that suit works on you.
Thanks for your opinion, Carla, [turning to the camera] but I'm much more interested in what you all think.
We don't love it.
Well who cares, Lonnie, [turning to the camera again and pointing] because all that really matters is whether or not America loves it.
For the last time, it's Americo! And of course I love it, I made it!
He's a dynamite tailor; not sure why he's here.
Life's actually pretty good: Mom lets me live in the attic, I'm driving Dad's old Plymouth Horizon and as I'm Chief Bartender, they let me take home half the extra chicken wings, thank you very much.
Say, Dan. Do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it's not all some crazy dream?
You're black? 'Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy... and these, my friend, are all characteristics of white guys. Please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. If you don't know what that stands for, it's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the 'colored people' to 'African Americans' but then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP, it'd be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point... Do I think you're black? Naaaaaaaaa!
Knock knock. Who's there? Nurse Mophead. Nurse Mophead who? You have a mophead.
I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey, J.D., if you go out, would you get me a hot Italian sausage?
I've got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here!
[blank stares, head shakes]
People think I just walk into these situations, but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? ...I should go.
I think I may vomit.
I know he wasn't here yesterday. But I thought maybe he got the day wrong and he'd be here today with roses. Is that sad?
It's not not sad.
Now Dr. Cox needs our help getting through this. Jordan can watch him in the morning and at night, but she's got Jack, plus... she's not that emotionally available.
[cheerfully] I'm dead inside!
You probably wondered why I didn't show up before, huh? I know you wanted me to, even though you'd never admit it. Normally I would kill to get into this apartment, and you'd try and keep me out... I say "try", because at your Super-Bowl party, which I was not invited to, I was lucky enough to be able to watch the second half from right over there. I was the bearded Domino's employee you invited in because I said I was a fan of Jerome Bettis, whoever the hell that is. Anyway, I tried to convince myself the reason I didn't come earlier was because of you coming into work drunk; but that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that'll help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you... how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients; but because after twenty years of being a doctor, when things go badly, you still take it this hard. And I gotta tell you man, I mean... that's the kind of doctor I want to be. [pours himself a drink]
[narration] Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared, but I'd like to believe it was because of me that he was finally able to say this:
[sees J.D. taking a sip] You don't drink scotch.
[spits it back into the glass] Ugh... That's awful.
Barbie why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Dr. Pepper is a doctor? Hmmm?
Okay, two coins add up to 30 cents, no nickels. I could swear we've done this before. C'mon man, you went to Harvard for god's sake.
Relax! I figured it out.
A penny, and... a button, that you wrote '29 cents' on. Think I don't recognize your handwriting?
Can't we just kill him?
No. No, Troy, that's what he wants us to do.
Remember when I first started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex?
[alarmed] Baby!
[to Turk] Relax, Brown Bear, there's no shame in cry-maxing.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Scrubs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
