MMr. Marks
(to J.D.) Hey, I bought you a present.
Oh, my God, a journal!
MMr. Marks
Well, you seem like the kind of sensitive young buck that likes to chronicle his feelings.
(narrating) I can't wait to chronicle this one!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
(to a cafeteria worker) Do you have chocolate cake today?
CWCafeteria Worker
Nope.
Oh. Isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day!
Elliot, relax; I never get chocolate cake.
Oh, right, 'cause you're diabetic. Boo-hoo! You know what, Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see!
(to J.D.) Look, you obviously have some issues with your own father that you're projecting onto me, so why don't you go ahead and give him a jingle?
He's dead.
Good stuff!
No I'm serious.
Classic!
He had like a massive heart attack.
I'm sorry for your loss.
(narrating) Make the flesh and blood argument again, but in a different way.
Blood and flesh, Murray.
I'll do it.
(narrating) Jackpot!
I have been kicking ass lately, but this place is such a boys' club, I still can't even get x-rays or lab tests back on time.
Hey, Elliot, if you're desperate to get things done, you could always do what Jordan does.
(to the security guard) Could you move my car out of the sun? If the seat gets too hot, my thighs get all pink and sweaty.
(The security guard grabs the keys and speeds off)
Yeah. Bye-bye, security guard.
Hm. Very classy.
Don't judge me, stick. You do what you have to do to level the playing field.
Well, Carla and I would never behave that way.
(holding a plate of chocolate cake) Thank you.
How'd you get chocolate cake? He said they didn't have any!
Oh. I just did like this (thrusts her cleavage) and said, "Got cake?"
(to Dr. Cox) Anyway, know Mr. Marks? He said he doesn't have any family to be a kidney donor? But he's got a son! We gotta find this guy!
Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself. Like, say, he's got a son. Or he's 29 years old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover?
Ah, that's a horse with a sword on his head, and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams.
(to Carla) You will not turn Elliot into some flirtatious manipulator. I mean, don't get me wrong, outside the hospital, Elliot with her hair up is a slammin' hottie. But in here, she's an asexual mess. And that's the natural order of things. And you don't mess with the natural order!
Okay, so I tried to get some x-rays back from the lab tech by making a kissy face, and he asked me if I had palsy!
Elliot, if you want to get ahead, you have to use what God gave ya!
Or in your case, what Dr. Fineberg gave you.
Exactly!
(to Carla) You have created a monster. Elliot did a little tongue dance in Franklyn's ear just to get him to do her labs before mine.
So she used her femininity! The only reason you usually get your lab-work back so fast is because you always pick Franklyn to play basketball even though he always shoots his foul shots granny-style.
Oh, I'll just be a sec. Dave, can I get an orange soda? I'm so hot and thirsty.
DDave
It's on me. (gives Elliot the orange soda)
IInterviewer
I'd like an orange soda too.
DDave
Oh, I'm sorry, that was the last one. How sad.
Okay! I put interview guy in the lounge and told him that Elliot was with a patient. Now. How we gonna fix this thing?
JJanitor
You're okay. The guy wanted an orange soda, right? We bring him an orange soda, maybe the whole thing goes away.
Okay, here's the plan: Jordan and I will take care of interview guy. Soft-Scrub, you can do whatever the hell you want.
JJanitor
I will.
(to Mr. Marks about J.D.) Boy, tell me about it. You know, I got this kid who constantly ignores my advice, and then flashes me the sad doe eyes every time I call him a girl's name or scream in his face.
MMr. Marks
Do you wanna sing about him?
No. Not ever.
(to Murray) Sometimes Dr. Cox is all over me, like every second of my life.
Why do you keep talking about your boss like he's your father?
Remember? Recently deceased dad?
Massive heart attack!
Yes! I mean, yes.
Elliot, wait! Elliot, you did your flirty manipulation thing in front of that guy in there, and now, well, he kinda thinks you're this despicable floozy ho excuse for a doctor!
JJanitor
(to the interviewer) Hey, buddy. I need you to reconsider Blonde Doctor. And I'm gonna tell you why. See, I'm the future Mr. Blonde Doctor? And I kinda need this to happen so that I can, uh... hey, over here. I need this to happen so that I can just hang out around the house and, you know, bake bread or... gab across the fence with neighbor Marge. Nice lady. Polish, I think. Doesn't matter, I'm not prejudiced.
IInterviewer
What the hell are you talking about?
JJanitor
Here's the thing: I need you to take this can of orange soda, turn, smile, and give Blonde Doctor a big thumb's up! Or, I'm gonna take the same orange soda, follow you down to the parking lot, and smash your head in with it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Scrubs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.