Velma quotes from Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated

Daphne

Gang, this is all our fault.

Sheriff Stone

Isn't it always?

Daphne

Maybe we should just give Pericles the Planispheric Disk.

Shaggy

Like, no way. A treasure beyond all imagining in the clutches of an evil psychotic parrot?

Velma

Would be devastating on a global scale. Shaggy's right. There has to be another way.

Sheriff Stone

Well, you Mystery dorks better decide quick because those nasty cow thingies sealed off the town completely.

Mayor Nettles

All the roads leading in and out of the city have been eaten. They're cutting us off.

Sheriff Stone

Perhaps as-- as-- a species our time is over. It's evolution, people. We should all submit to the herd. I think I'll see if they're hiring any Sheriffs.

Mayor Nettles

Bronson, although I find your immediate surrender oddly endearing, you're not going anywhere. Kids, there must be a way to stop these things.

Daphne

I think I have it. It's all the little pieces, all the clues. Especially the fact that Professor Pericles referred to all the skull cattle as male drones. And then there's the sweet cheese.

Shaggy

I think I see where you're going with this, Daph. If Scooby and I can eat all that honey sweet cheese, those things will starve and we'll save the town.

Count me in. I'm ready to eat my way to victory.

Daphne

That's not what I was thinking. They're like bees. The herd is all male drones. So there must be a queen in the cow hive at Destroido.

Velma

Daphne, that's so genius I should have thought of it. They'll be totally protective of their queen. If we could capture the queen cow...

We could use her to lead the herd away from the town.

Mayor Nettles

Saving Crystal Cove.

Sheriff Stone

I don't know. I don't know. I think my plan of letting the herd enslave humanity is pretty darn good.

My fake father mayor dad used to keep a helicopter here at city hall.

Mayor Nettles

I still have it. Quick, it's our only chance.

Mayor Nettles

You did it, kids. You saved the town.

Daphne

I feel a little sorry for those skull cattle. It's not their fault they're horrible genetically engineered mutations.

Look. (The horrible herd rise in the ocean) Those things are part fish, remember? They can swim.

Velma

Whoa. What have we done?

Shaggy

You mean, like, other than release unnatural super predators into the ecosystem?

Sheriff Stone

It's best to just walk away from this one, kids. Just... walk... away.

Mayor Nettles

These citizens were found at the Tiki Tub. They're dancing, and they can't stop.

Daphne

That dance is called skanking. It's how you're meant to dance to ska music. And you said dance class was a waste of time.

Velma

Oy. Doctor, what's the prognosis?

If we can't find a cure within 24 hours, they will dance themselves into a permanent cataleptic state. They will become zombies for the rest of their lives!

(laughs)

It's Rude Boy!

Velma

Quick, cover your ears!

Dance!

Martha Quinn

We have to fight this MUSICALLY! We need ultimate POWER CHORD!

I'm fighting it, but I can't resist their catchy use of Caribbean mento and calypso with American jazz and rhythm and blues!

Daphne

Shaggy, Scooby, why isn't it affecting you?

I'm a dog. Music is just noise to us.

Shaggy

And, like, you've heard me sing. I'm totally tone deaf.

Velma

Shaggy! Scooby! You're our only hope! It's up to you to save the town! It's up to you to save us!

Shaggy

Like, zoinks!

Now, let's see who's really behind the evil ska music. Rude Boy is actually... (unmasks the Zombie Rude Boy)

Rude Boy?

You're alive! But the plane crashed 30 years ago.

Velma

Was an elaborate hoax, wasn't it, Mr. Rude Boy?

Oi. You blighters got it in for me, right. But yeah, we faked the whole bloomin' thing. All I ever wanted to do was play ska and be super rich and super famous. But apparently, it just wasn't in the tarot cards, maybe the fact that we only had one song had something to do with it. So me and me mates, the Ska-tastics here, we decided we'd fake our own deaths. Then, we could write the perfect song and return to take the music world by storm.

Martha Quinn

I don't understand, Rude Boy. Why did you wait 30 years to make a comeback?

Ah, don't be such a muppet, Martha Quinn. We planned to be only gone one year, but writing the perfect song took bloomin' forever. By the time we'd cracked it, ska wasn't popular anymore. But everyone loves the undead. So, we began dressing as zombie mogs, riding our undead scooters and wearing polycarbonite-lined skull masks to hide our identity.

Velma

So, in the end, desperate for success, Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics unleashed a dancing plague on the world using an inharmonic chord with special frequencies designed to induce post-hypnotic suggestion to sell their music.

Just as I thought, but didn't say. Dance them away, Sheriff. We are done here.

Now let's see who the Gluten Demon really is. (unmasks the Gluten Demon)

Francilee Jackson!

Velma

Not a big surprise after the work that Cachinga, Daphne, and I did. Francilee's cooking show wasn't taped before a live audience. She made the tape herself, allowing her to work the special effects and adding in the Gluten Demon during editing.

Plus, her stage name is Francilee Jackson, but her birth certificate lists her as Agatha Juniper Schildenheimer.

Daphne

As AJS, she signed those manifests. She rented that secret warehouse.

Velma

And she has a strange food allergy to all things healthy. Which is why she reacted to Cachinga's salad lunch so insanely.

Daphne

The only thing we don't know is why.

Oh, y'all, it's so simple. I needed a big comeback. After my cornbread recipe was revealed to have no corn in it, I was ruined. Ruined! My only chance was to open my own bakery where I could serve up my new breakout dish: The double bacon mayonnaise butter-stuffed pasta surprise with buttered bread sauce! Any cook worth their kosher sea salt knows the legend of the Gluten Demon. I dressed up like that and started destroying every restaurant in town so there'd be no competition when I opened mine. And I would have done it, too, been a huge success again, if it weren't for all y'all bread-hating health fanatics!

That's it, boys. Let's roll her away.

(the bowl rolls away from her) My bowl! My precious bowl! NO! My bowl! It's mine! MINE!

It's ancient maya by the look of it.

Daphne

(reads the bowl) TERCERO LLAVE. It's the third key.

Now let's see who this mysterious woman stealer really is.

The librarian?

Shaggy

Like, seriously? But you're not even British.

I'm so confused. Why?

It's simple, really. You spend a life reading about other people's exciting adventures and never, never, never have one of your own. It's awful. (sadly) I'm so lonely.

Velma

Jinkies. How did I miss that one?

I never really had any friends growing up. All I had were my books. For years I stayed in my room and read about incredible adventures, other people's adventures. Then, I got an idea, I was going to become the Dandy Highwayman. I was going to be the king of adventures and adored by women everywhere. I studied how to do an English accent. I incorporated a motorcycle helmet into my costume's hat and practiced my motorcycle skills for hours and hours. Then, I discovered something unimaginable: the key to a woman's total admiration and devotion. All you have to do is pay attention to them when they're talking. CRAZY, isn't it? It wasn't until I started to moderate the book club that I learned how to listen. From there, I actually became interested in what women have to say. Before long, I was fully engaged in their desires and feelings. I was living in the dream. And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling romance killers.

Sheriff Stone

I'm not buying it for a second. You put some kind of voodoo MAGIC SPELL on them, you did.

Never. I just listened, that's all. Except when the going got tough. I had a little help. (uncovers the earplugs) These earplugs were the only magic I used.

Sheriff Stone

I knew it! I knew there was some kind of trick involved. Listening to women? Who ever heard of such a thing?!

Daphne

Jeepers! The librarian? I kind of feel bad for him. You know, he never really abducted the wives. They said they went with him willingly because he was mysteriously charming and--

Sheriff Stone

We know, we know. The whole listening and paying attention thing. We get it already. Whatever.

Mayor Nettles

Sorry to bother you so early, kids. But the neighbors have been calling in constantly with reports of unearthly moaning, inhuman howling, blood curling screams...

Shaggy

In other words, same old same old.

You can count on us, Mayor Nettles.

Daphne

We'll see if there's anything mysterious going on here.

Mayor Nettles

(leaves) Thanks, kids.

Velma

Come on, come on, let's go! Let's get this over with.

After we're finished here, we need to relocate the Planispheric Disk.

We'll do it.

Shaggy

Good idea, Scoob. Yeah, you and I will re-hide the disc while you guys check out the scary house.

Daphne

You're out of luck, Shaggy. Remember? Fred hid the Disk last time. And he's the only one who knows where it is.

Velma

Oy, can we hurry? Please?

Okay, let's get started. But first, well gang, it looks like we got another...

Daphne

Mystery on our hands! Oh, Fred, we're such soul mates. We're finishing each other's sentences.

Come on, let's...

Split up and look for clues?

Shaggy

Like, I guess that means we're all soul mates, haha.

Everybody out.

Shaggy

Like, this is more like it. (chuckles) The F-F-Fearatorium Food Emporium makes me, like, f-f-famished.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(grabs Shaggy and Scooby hardly) What's wrong with you two? You're like bottomless pits. We're not here to indulge your munchies. We're here for that Planispheric Disk.

Daphne

Freddie, you're the one who hid it here. I don't understand why you don't know where it is.

Oh, you don't understand? Intellect isn't your strong suit, huh? What about you? Got any smarts in there behind those eye goggles?

Velma

Hmmph.

It's got to be here somewhere. Keep searching.

Shaggy

What's the score?

The score, Norbert, is that we're gonna find that disk tonight.

Shaggy

I meant the score to the baseball game. That you're listening to. On that thingymabob.

Heh. I knew that.

Velma

It's not Norbert. It's Norville. And nobody calls him that. It's always Shaggy.

I suggest less nitpicking and more searching. (talks through headphone) Wait. What? It's not here. Get back in the van.

Velma

Fred, this is all very bizarre.

You don't know the meaning of the word, child. (grunts) I just remembered where I actually hid the disk.

I don't know. Look in all the desks, I guess. I'll check out the superintendent's office. (leaves the gang)

Velma

Gang, something is definitely wrong here. (writes the blackboard with chalk) I mean, is it me or is Fred acting even stranger than usual?

It's not you.

Velma

Maybe if we can retrace our steps, we'll see a pattern. (writing) F-F-Fearatorium Food Emporium. Arcane-A-Rama Movieplex. Kennel of the horrible hounds. Education board of Crystal Cove. (marks the first and second 4 letters from top to bottom)

Daphne

"Fake Fred"?

Velma

I knew it.

Then who is he?

Shaggy

And who sent the message?

Velma

My guess? The real Fred. Wherever he is, he's probably in life-threatening peril.

Daphne

And in the clutches of some hideous creature.

Fan out. Search every inch of this place until we find that disk.

Shaggy

Well, like, if you remember hiding it here, like, dude, where is it?

Well, the exact location slipped my mind. (leaves the gang to search the Planispheric Disk alone)

Velma

We can't let that fake Fred get his hands on the Planispheric Disk.

What do we do?

Shaggy

Like, we do what the real Fred would do. We trap him.

Velma

Agreed. But it's got to be before he gets his hands on...

The Planispheric Disk. I found it! I found it!

Velma

Okay, never mind.

Daphne

Now that you've got it, what are you going to do with it? Fake Fred.

Ahh, well done. You finally figured out I'm an imposter. So what? I'm taking the Planispheric Disk, and who's going to stop me? You? You?

NO! (arrives) Me. I mean you. Me. I mean me. You me. I-- Aw, heck. You get the idea. (starts fighting Evil Fred)

Get me out of this. He's the fake.

Shaggy

They're, like, identical, right down to the ascot.

Which one's the real Fred?

Daphne

(to Evil Fred) Freddie, how do you feel about me?

What do you mean? You're my love, Daphne. I'm crazy about you.

Daphne

(to Fred) And you?

Uh, gosh. Gee, Daph, you know, I-- well, I guess aside from traps and solving mysteries, um... er, my stomach's getting hurty.

Daphne

Oh, Freddie. It's you! (kisses Fred)

Well, if you're so smart, then who am I really?

You're one of the most heartless criminals Mystery Inc. has ever faced. Aren't you, dad? (tries to unmask Evil Fred but realizes it's not a mask)

Ow! It's not a mask, you imbecile. I had plastic surgery to look like you. You would have spotted a mask too quickly.

I don't know what you think you were doing. You're supposed to be my father. But how could you try to impersonate me when you know absolutely nothing about me?

Velma

If he's Brad, that makes you Fred's sneaky criminal mom, Judy. (tries to unmask Old Daphne but realizes it's not a mask either)

Ouch! Watch it. I had plastic surgery, too.

Velma

I know.

Shaggy

Brad Chiles and Judy Reeves? (chuckles) But, like, why?

Yeah. Why?

Brad

For the treasure. What else? It was the genius mind of Professor Pericles that thought up the whole plan. Wasn't it, Judy?

Judy

That's right, Brad. While we went under the knife, Professor Pericles had Mr. E arrange for the Crystal Cove studio to be changed into an exact replica of the town.

Brad

Except more end of the world-ish, obviously.

Velma

I hate to be the one to point this out, but that's just crazy.

Pericles

(shows up) Is it, Velma? Or is it so brilliant you cannot begin to fathom its true genius?

Professor Pericles?

You failed, Professor. You'll never get your filthy talons on this disk.

Pericles

On the contrary, Frederick. You are going to hand it over to me, along with my associates, your dear parents, or else I will destroy the one thing you care about most.

Shaggy

Zoinks!

Daphne

(2 Kriegstaffebots grab her) Freddie!

Fine. You win. Take it.

Pericles

Excellent. (takes the Planispheric Disk) Auf Wiedersehen, you beautiful kinder.