(Moira walks through Jocelyn's front door)
I can't come in, but I have some good news.
That's great.
(pregnant pause)
...What's your news?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
David, if you're going out again can you pick up some new toilet paper? I cannot use the stuff the motel provides, okay? It's like a birthday streamer. You-- you-- it stretches, and then-- then-- and then you pull it, and it just snaps, okay? That whole thing just fell off the roller!
Wow, um. Dad, you remember Stevie?
(pregnant pause as Johnny turns and sees her behind the door)
Yes, yes, I remember Stevie. I know Stevie. I knew Stevie was here. That's why I came in with something funny.
Hmm. Oh yeah, sure.
What is that? Is that a new lamp?
Yeah, I'm thinking of bringing home-ware into the store, so that's a write off.
That's a write off? Do you even know what a write off is?
Uh yeah, it's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it.
Oh, and who pays for it?
Nobody, you write it off.
Who writes it off?!
I don't know, the govern-- the "write off" people! Why are we having this conversation?
SStevie
So if I need booze to get through my day, I can just write that off?
That's a stretch.
SStevie
But the skin care products you got this morning, those are a write off?
What skin care products? You purchased skin care products?!
Okay, okay. I am the face of the company. If I have acne, what does that say about the legitimacy of the store?
[gesturing] That's not a write off! That's not a write off! This?! Not a write off!
Oh, well, the bedding's non refundable, so...
David, a write off... is a business expense used to reduce your taxable income!
Okay, well then why isn't it called a "tax write off?"
[yelling] It is!
Alexis, this is Jake. We seem to have caught the boys in a... In an "afternoon delight." Is that term still a going thing?
No-- that's-- no.
No, never say that again.
Don't do that.
When it comes to three people, David, there's always a favorite. It's just like how Mom likes you more.
That's not true, and please don't include Mom in an analogy about my relationship. Thank you.
David, lunch today?
No.
Oh, okay. Well, I'll dine alone.
See?
See what?
Alexis seems to think you like me more.
Alexis, don't be ridiculous! This is exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.
You've never wanted to spend time alone with me. There, I said it.
You never asked.
Bordeaux? The trip I planned for the two of us?
That was a wine tasting tour, and I was seven years old!
You could've used the spittoon. That's what the other children did.
[reading from list] What is your favorite season?
Awards.
To be clear, you were going to go on a date with him knowing he had just broken up with me?
SStevie
...No I wasn't.
Uhh, you showed up for the date.
SStevie
...No I didn't.
You're literally here in the restaurant.
SStevie
...Because I was gonna tell him that I was breaking up with him!
[sarcastically] Oh, okay. [gives her a sly look]
SStevie
...Okay, yeah, fine. But if it makes you feel any better, nobody hates me more than me, generally speaking.
Fair enough, I would've done the same thing.
I can't have your personal drama storming over my business dealings right now, so I think it's best if you got out of the car and walked home.
Walked home? That would take like 15 minutes, David, that's absolutely not happening.
Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?
Oh, always. Just not now.
Hi, where are you?
I'm on my way! We've just encountered a bit of a roadblock, a hold-up, a minor issue.
Okay, you literally had one job to do.
Jocelyn is in labor!
Oh my god!
I know it's no one's fault. I'm with her now, we're in the car.
Okay, so what am I supposed to do, here?
Well, has the press arrived yet?
Yes! Everybody has arrived. Everybody is here, just waiting.
Oh! Don't start without me you little frippit. You don't have the media training.
Okay, can you just like, please try to hurry up? Because the last thing we wanna do is stand up a room full of singles.
Oh look, Jocelyn's pulling up to the hospital right now.
Wait, Jocelyn's driving?!
Yes, Alexis! She insisted! My nerves are fried!
[screams in pain]
[shrieks]
Moira? What's going on in there?
[yelling] Oh, it's my hands, John! It's the water! It's freezing cold!
Then move your hands!
How will I know if it's getting warmer if I'm not touching it?!
Well, Moira, you've got the cold tap on. You need to balance it with the hot.
Oh. Well, I'm sorry I'm not an alchemist, John. And it's not like there's a his sink for when the hers is inoperable.
Okay, Moira.
Excuse me while I try to pass through. [flailing] Oh, John! These door frames! It's like trying to force oneself through the eye of a needle!
I think the point has been made, Moira.
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