Moira Rose quotes from Schitt's Creek

Moira

So Jocelyn, you were saying that you teach high school? Or you want to finish high school? I'm not sure, I couldn't hear over your husband's chewing.

Moira

In the lea of a picture-esque ridge lies a small, unpretentious winery. One that pampers its fruit like its own babies. Hi! I'm Moira Rose, and if you love fruit wine as much as I do, then you'll appreciate the craftsmanship and quality of a local vintner. Who brings the musk melon goodness to his oak Chardonnay, and the dazzling peach [slurring] cral...bapple to his Riesling Rioja. Come taste the difference good fruit can make in your wine. You'll remember the experience, and you'll remember the name: Herb Ervling...ger. Burt Herngeif. Irv Herm-blinger. Bing. Livehaanger. Liveling. Burt Herkurn. Burn... Bingo Ling-- fucker!

Moira

What you did was impulsive, capricious, and melodramatic. But it was also wrong.

Oh, there it is! There it is! The Vivien Blake bitch face!

Moira

Excuse me?

I didn't want to say anything, but you were my favourite character on "Sunrise Bay".

Moira

[flatly] Thanks.

Jocelyn

It's true. He lived for "Sunrise Bay". I could be doing cartwheels in a thong in front of that television, which I have done, but if your show was on I was as good as wall paper.

Hey, how many people did you slap on that show?

Moira

I don't care.

Moira

Alexis! [...] I need to speak with our daughter.

Johnny

Good luck.

Moira

[loudly] Oh my God, where did you hear that?

Alexis

What is it?

Alexis

I don't get it, [the paperwork is] all done.

Moira

No, there's still a little bit that needs to be filled in.

Alexis

All that's missing is my middle name.

Moira

Then fill it in, please.

Alexis

Do I have to do that?

Moira

[scoffs] Why must you be so constantly irksome?

Alexis

Do you not know my middle name?

Moira

[incredulous] Of course I do! I blessed you with it!

Alexis

Okay, so um... then what name should I put down then?

Johnny

Alexis. Do as your mother says, please.

Alexis

Do you know my middle name?

Johnny

If I said... Anna?

Alexis

I can't believe this!

Moira

Alexis... Something Rose.

Alexis

Um, why don't you guys stay at the cabin for longer?

Moira

Oh, I would never just abandon you two in a motel in the middle of nowhere.

David

Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool?

Moira

Alexis looked Chinese as an infant! How many times must I defend myself?!

Johnny

How did you open the door?

Moira

I threw a shoe. This wine is aw-ful! Get me another glass.

Johnny

Well, I think maybe we've had enough wine, sweetheart.

Moira

I can't feel my tongue. But I know it's there, because I'm talking.

Johnny

Moira, you should hear what they're saying about you out there. You are doing great!

Moira

No. No, John, I ruined it. I ruined everything.

Johnny

No! No, you didn't!

Moira

I did!

Johnny

No, sweetheart, I ruined everything. I ruined it.

Moira

You did? Why did you ruin everything?

Johnny

Okay. Well, let's not focus on me right now.

Moira

Don't worry, he's fine. It's not the first time David's run away. Remember all those troubled years in high school when he'd charter the jet without permission?

Johnny

Yes, but he has no money.

Moira

Oh, he does now. If there's one thing David knows it's the street value of a woman's bag.

Johnny

Okay, you know what, can we stop talking about that bag for five minutes? The bag, the bag, and the bag!

Moira

John, it's an heirloom, my great grandmother took it from her husband when she left him, and it has been passed down through all the women in my family, as emergency currency in case we need to leave our husbands in the middle of the night.

Johnny

Well that's reassuring.

Moira

You don't have to worry darling, I'll never need it. But you know Alexis will!

Johnny

Yeah, more than once, probably.

Alexis

Oh my God, ever since David left you two have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!

Moira

I had just had my eyelashes dyed! Everything was cloudy!

Moira

Next step is to fold in the cheese.

David

...What does that mean? What does "fold in the cheese" mean?

Moira

You fold it in.

David

I understand that. But how? How do you fold it? Do you fold it in half like a piece of paper and drop it in the pot? Or what do you do?

Moira

David, I can not show you everything.

David

Okay, well can you show me one thing?

Moira

You just-- here's what you do: You just fold it in.

David

Okay, I don't know how to fold broken cheese like that!

Moira

Then I don't know how to be any clearer! You take that thing that's in your hand--

David

Uh huh?

Moira

And you--

David

If you say "fold in" one more time...

Moira

[yelling] It says "fold it in"!

David

[removing apron] This is your recipe! You fold in the cheese, then!

Moira

Don't you dare!

David

You fold it in!

Moira

David! Oh good, now I see bubbles! David! What does burning smell like?!

Moira

I can't come in, but I have some good news.

Jocelyn

That's great.

Jocelyn

...What's your news?

Alexis

When it comes to three people, David, there's always a favorite. It's just like how Mom likes you more.

David

That's not true, and please don't include Mom in an analogy about my relationship. Thank you.

Moira

David, lunch today?

David

No.

Moira

Oh, okay. Well, I'll dine alone.

Alexis

See?

Moira

See what?

David

Alexis seems to think you like me more.

Moira

Alexis, don't be ridiculous! This is exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.

Moira

You've never wanted to spend time alone with me. There, I said it.

Alexis

You never asked.

Moira

Bordeaux? The trip I planned for the two of us?

Alexis

That was a wine tasting tour, and I was seven years old!

Moira

You could've used the spittoon. That's what the other children did.

Alexis

[reading from list] What is your favorite season?

Moira

Awards.