Scenes with Alexis Rose 13
Okay, where are we going?
Alexis[pause] Well [Stavros is] just coming for me, but then I figured that we would just come back and grab you guys at some point.
What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit soaked dump, to gallivant around the world with her dumb shipping heir loser boyfriend she's known for three months?!
Alexis
Um, David, it will be four months next month.
Alexis
And... he just told me that he could potentially see himself considering saying "I love you" at some point sometime soon, so...
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm telling mom. I'm telling mom and dad, have you told them?
Alexis
No! No David, I'm waiting for the right opportunity, okay? Otherwise dad's gonna cry, and mom's gonna do that thing where she pretends that nothing's wrong and then just doesn't talk to me for five months, and I don't want that.
Alexis! [...] I need to speak with our daughter.
[loudly] Oh my God, where did you hear that?
(rapid footsteps)
Alexis
What is it?
Alexis
I don't get it, [the paperwork is] all done.
No, there's still a little bit that needs to be filled in.
Alexis
All that's missing is my middle name.
Alexis
Do I have to do that?
[scoffs] Why must you be so constantly irksome?
(pregnant pause)
Alexis
Do you not know my middle name?
[incredulous] Of course I do! I blessed you with it!
Alexis
Okay, so um... then what name should I put down then?
Alexis. Do as your mother says, please.
Alexis
Do you know my middle name?
(pregnant pause)
Alexis
I can't believe this!
Alexis... Something Rose.
Alexis
Um, why don't you guys stay at the cabin for longer?
Oh, I would never just abandon you two in a motel in the middle of nowhere.
Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool?
Alexis looked Chinese as an infant! How many times must I defend myself?!
Alexis
Oh my God, ever since David left you two have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!
I had just had my eyelashes dyed! Everything was cloudy!
You got that Teppanyaki table for your bar mitzvah.
That was thrown out after Alexis left her extensions on it and everything smelled like burnt hair.
Alexis
I thought it was an actual table, David.
There was a plug coming out of the side of it!
Alexis, this is Jake. We seem to have caught the boys in a... In an "afternoon delight." Is that term still a going thing?
Alexis
No, never say that again.
Alexis
When it comes to three people, David, there's always a favorite. It's just like how Mom likes you more.
That's not true, and please don't include Mom in an analogy about my relationship. Thank you.
Oh, okay. Well, I'll dine alone.
Alexis
See?
Alexis seems to think you like me more.
Alexis, don't be ridiculous! This is exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.
You've never wanted to spend time alone with me. There, I said it.
Alexis
You never asked.
Bordeaux? The trip I planned for the two of us?
Alexis
That was a wine tasting tour, and I was seven years old!
You could've used the spittoon. That's what the other children did.
Alexis
[reading from list] What is your favorite season?
I can't have your personal drama storming over my business dealings right now, so I think it's best if you got out of the car and walked home.
Alexis
Walked home? That would take like 15 minutes, David, that's absolutely not happening.
Alexis
Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?
Oh, always. Just not now.
Alexis
Hi, where are you?
I'm on my way! We've just encountered a bit of a roadblock, a hold-up, a minor issue.
Alexis
Okay, you literally had one job to do.
Alexis
Oh my god!
I know it's no one's fault. I'm with her now, we're in the car.
Alexis
Okay, so what am I supposed to do, here?
Well, has the press arrived yet?
Alexis
Yes! Everybody has arrived. Everybody is here, just waiting.
Oh! Don't start without me you little frippit. You don't have the media training.
Alexis
Okay, can you just like, please try to hurry up? Because the last thing we wanna do is stand up a room full of singles.
Oh look, Jocelyn's pulling up to the hospital right now.
Alexis
Wait, Jocelyn's driving?!
Yes, Alexis! She insisted! My nerves are fried!
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Schitt's Creek · 27 quotes
