David Rose quotes from Schitt's Creek

David

Okay, where are we going?

Alexis

[pause] Well [Stavros is] just coming for me, but then I figured that we would just come back and grab you guys at some point.

David

What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit soaked dump, to gallivant around the world with her dumb shipping heir loser boyfriend she's known for three months?!

Alexis

Um, David, it will be four months next month.

David

Oh my God!

Alexis

And... he just told me that he could potentially see himself considering saying "I love you" at some point sometime soon, so...

David

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm telling mom. I'm telling mom and dad, have you told them?

Alexis

No! No David, I'm waiting for the right opportunity, okay? Otherwise dad's gonna cry, and mom's gonna do that thing where she pretends that nothing's wrong and then just doesn't talk to me for five months, and I don't want that.

Alexis

Um, why don't you guys stay at the cabin for longer?

Moira

Oh, I would never just abandon you two in a motel in the middle of nowhere.

David

Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool?

Moira

Alexis looked Chinese as an infant! How many times must I defend myself?!

Johnny

David can cook.

David

I can't cook.

Johnny

You got that Teppanyaki table for your bar mitzvah.

David

That was thrown out after Alexis left her extensions on it and everything smelled like burnt hair.

Alexis

I thought it was an actual table, David.

David

There was a plug coming out of the side of it!

Moira

Next step is to fold in the cheese.

David

...What does that mean? What does "fold in the cheese" mean?

Moira

You fold it in.

David

I understand that. But how? How do you fold it? Do you fold it in half like a piece of paper and drop it in the pot? Or what do you do?

Moira

David, I can not show you everything.

David

Okay, well can you show me one thing?

Moira

You just-- here's what you do: You just fold it in.

David

Okay, I don't know how to fold broken cheese like that!

Moira

Then I don't know how to be any clearer! You take that thing that's in your hand--

David

Uh huh?

Moira

And you--

David

If you say "fold in" one more time...

Moira

[yelling] It says "fold it in"!

David

[removing apron] This is your recipe! You fold in the cheese, then!

Moira

Don't you dare!

David

You fold it in!

Moira

David! Oh good, now I see bubbles! David! What does burning smell like?!

Johnny

David, if you're going out again can you pick up some new toilet paper? I cannot use the stuff the motel provides, okay? It's like a birthday streamer. You-- you-- it stretches, and then-- then-- and then you pull it, and it just snaps, okay? That whole thing just fell off the roller!

David

Wow, um. Dad, you remember Stevie?

Johnny

Yes, yes, I remember Stevie. I know Stevie. I knew Stevie was here. That's why I came in with something funny.

David

Hmm. Oh yeah, sure.

Johnny

What is that? Is that a new lamp?

David

Yeah, I'm thinking of bringing home-ware into the store, so that's a write off.

Johnny

That's a write off? Do you even know what a write off is?

David

Uh yeah, it's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it.

Johnny

Oh, and who pays for it?

David

Nobody, you write it off.

Johnny

Who writes it off?!

David

I don't know, the govern-- the "write off" people! Why are we having this conversation?

So if I need booze to get through my day, I can just write that off?

David

That's a stretch.

But the skin care products you got this morning, those are a write off?

Johnny

What skin care products? You purchased skin care products?!

David

Okay, okay. I am the face of the company. If I have acne, what does that say about the legitimacy of the store?

Johnny

[gesturing] That's not a write off! That's not a write off! This?! Not a write off!

David

Oh, well, the bedding's non refundable, so...

Johnny

David, a write off... is a business expense used to reduce your taxable income!

David

Okay, well then why isn't it called a "tax write off?"

Johnny

[yelling] It is!

Johnny

Alexis, this is Jake. We seem to have caught the boys in a... In an "afternoon delight." Is that term still a going thing?

David

No-- that's-- no.

Alexis

No, never say that again.

David

Don't do that.

Alexis

When it comes to three people, David, there's always a favorite. It's just like how Mom likes you more.

David

That's not true, and please don't include Mom in an analogy about my relationship. Thank you.

Moira

David, lunch today?

David

No.

Moira

Oh, okay. Well, I'll dine alone.

Alexis

See?

Moira

See what?

David

Alexis seems to think you like me more.

Moira

Alexis, don't be ridiculous! This is exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.

David

To be clear, you were going to go on a date with him knowing he had just broken up with me?

...No I wasn't.

David

Uhh, you showed up for the date.

...No I didn't.

David

You're literally here in the restaurant.

...Because I was gonna tell him that I was breaking up with him!

David

[sarcastically] Oh, okay. [gives her a sly look]

...Okay, yeah, fine. But if it makes you feel any better, nobody hates me more than me, generally speaking.

David

Fair enough, I would've done the same thing.

David

I can't have your personal drama storming over my business dealings right now, so I think it's best if you got out of the car and walked home.

Alexis

Walked home? That would take like 15 minutes, David, that's absolutely not happening.