RRoland
So Johnny Rose wants the ol' Johnny Hancock, huh? Well shouldn't be a problem, Johnny. I'm happy to sign off on the listing.
JohnnyWell, thank you, very much, Roland, appreciate it.
RRoland
Sure. Why don't you come over tonight and pick it up?
Johnny
Uh, no-- Mr. Mayor, I-- No, Roland, a signature. That's all I need.
RRoland
Johnny look, here is what you're gonna do: you're gonna grab the kids, you're gonna grab Moira, you're gonna come over we're gonna sit down like civilized people, have a few laughs, and then at the end of the evening we'll get to the big signing, okay?
Johnny
Right. Okay-- honestly Roland, it's just a-- it's just a signature. A flick of the wrist. That's it.
RRoland
You're not rejecting my hospitality, are you, Johnny? Because that really wouldn't be a good way to start things off, I don't think.
Johnny
No! No. I'd love to come to dinner are you kidding me? No. I just thought, let's do business first, get the signature, and then dinner.
RRoland
Johnny, you want that. To get that you need this. So let's just do this my way.
Johnny
Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah. Dinner it is.
RRoland
Dinner it is. Attaboy!
I don't get it, [the paperwork is] all done.
No, there's still a little bit that needs to be filled in.
All that's missing is my middle name.
[scoffs] Why must you be so constantly irksome?
(pregnant pause)
Do you not know my middle name?
[incredulous] Of course I do! I blessed you with it!
Okay, so um... then what name should I put down then?
Johnny
Alexis. Do as your mother says, please.
Do you know my middle name?
(pregnant pause)
Johnny
If I said... Anna?
Alexis... Something Rose.
Johnny
How did you open the door?
I threw a shoe. This wine is aw-ful! Get me another glass.
Johnny
Well, I think maybe we've had enough wine, sweetheart.
I can't feel my tongue. But I know it's there, because I'm talking.
Johnny
Moira, you should hear what they're saying about you out there. You are doing great!
No. No, John, I ruined it. I ruined everything.
Johnny
No! No, you didn't!
Johnny
No, sweetheart, I ruined everything. I ruined it.
You did? Why did you ruin everything?
Johnny
Okay. Well, let's not focus on me right now.
Johnny
Bob... in case I wanna mention this in my remarks, how did Carl go?
BBob
Well, it was a bit of a freak accident, really. Apparently, he was trying to unhook his belt from the ceiling fan and... apparently it got knotted around his neck.
Johnny
What?
BBob
Yeah, you know, you'd think the whole thing would've come down, you know? Try keeping a fan and a body spinning up there for two days. But uh... Carl found the studs on that one.
Johnny
[horrified] Oh... yeah...
BBob
That's craftsmanship.
Don't worry, he's fine. It's not the first time David's run away. Remember all those troubled years in high school when he'd charter the jet without permission?
Johnny
Yes, but he has no money.
Oh, he does now. If there's one thing David knows it's the street value of a woman's bag.
Johnny
Okay, you know what, can we stop talking about that bag for five minutes? The bag, the bag, and the bag!
John, it's an heirloom, my great grandmother took it from her husband when she left him, and it has been passed down through all the women in my family, as emergency currency in case we need to leave our husbands in the middle of the night.
Johnny
Well that's reassuring.
You don't have to worry darling, I'll never need it. But you know Alexis will!
Johnny
Yeah, more than once, probably.
Johnny
David, if you're going out again can you pick up some new toilet paper? I cannot use the stuff the motel provides, okay? It's like a birthday streamer. You-- you-- it stretches, and then-- then-- and then you pull it, and it just snaps, okay? That whole thing just fell off the roller!
Wow, um. Dad, you remember Stevie?
(pregnant pause as Johnny turns and sees her behind the door)
Johnny
Yes, yes, I remember Stevie. I know Stevie. I knew Stevie was here. That's why I came in with something funny.
Johnny
What is that? Is that a new lamp?
Yeah, I'm thinking of bringing home-ware into the store, so that's a write off.
Johnny
That's a write off? Do you even know what a write off is?
Uh yeah, it's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it.
Johnny
Oh, and who pays for it?
Nobody, you write it off.
Johnny
Who writes it off?!
I don't know, the govern-- the "write off" people! Why are we having this conversation?
SStevie
So if I need booze to get through my day, I can just write that off?
SStevie
But the skin care products you got this morning, those are a write off?
Johnny
What skin care products? You purchased skin care products?!
Okay, okay. I am the face of the company. If I have acne, what does that say about the legitimacy of the store?
Johnny
[gesturing] That's not a write off! That's not a write off! This?! Not a write off!
Oh, well, the bedding's non refundable, so...
Johnny
David, a write off... is a business expense used to reduce your taxable income!
Okay, well then why isn't it called a "tax write off?"
Johnny
[yelling] It is!
Johnny
Moira? What's going on in there?
[yelling] Oh, it's my hands, John! It's the water! It's freezing cold!
Johnny
Then move your hands!
How will I know if it's getting warmer if I'm not touching it?!
Johnny
Well, Moira, you've got the cold tap on. You need to balance it with the hot.
Oh. Well, I'm sorry I'm not an alchemist, John. And it's not like there's a his sink for when the hers is inoperable.
Johnny
Okay, Moira.
Excuse me while I try to pass through. [flailing] Oh, John! These door frames! It's like trying to force oneself through the eye of a needle!
Johnny
I think the point has been made, Moira.
Schitt's Creek · 27 quotes
