Jocelyn Schitt quotes from Schitt's Creek

Oh, there it is! There it is! The Vivien Blake bitch face!

Moira

Excuse me?

I didn't want to say anything, but you were my favourite character on "Sunrise Bay".

Moira

[flatly] Thanks.

Jocelyn

It's true. He lived for "Sunrise Bay". I could be doing cartwheels in a thong in front of that television, which I have done, but if your show was on I was as good as wall paper.

Hey, how many people did you slap on that show?

Moira

I don't care.

Moira

I can't come in, but I have some good news.

Jocelyn

That's great.

Jocelyn

...What's your news?

Alexis

Hi, where are you?

Moira

I'm on my way! We've just encountered a bit of a roadblock, a hold-up, a minor issue.

Alexis

Okay, you literally had one job to do.

Moira

Jocelyn is in labor!

Alexis

Oh my god!

Moira

I know it's no one's fault. I'm with her now, we're in the car.

Alexis

Okay, so what am I supposed to do, here?

Moira

Well, has the press arrived yet?

Alexis

Yes! Everybody has arrived. Everybody is here, just waiting.

Moira

Oh! Don't start without me you little frippit. You don't have the media training.

Alexis

Okay, can you just like, please try to hurry up? Because the last thing we wanna do is stand up a room full of singles.

Moira

Oh look, Jocelyn's pulling up to the hospital right now.

Alexis

Wait, Jocelyn's driving?!

Moira

Yes, Alexis! She insisted! My nerves are fried!

Jocelyn

[screams in pain]