Here now with a commentary on the values and priorities in American journalism is Mr. Subliminal. Hello, Mr. Subliminal. [pause] Welcome Mr. Subliminal, everybody.
Mr. Subliminal (Kevin Nealon): Thank you. Thank you, Dennis (haircut). You know, there's so many... There's so many important newsworthy events in today's world. But what's making headlines? [Holds up two copies of the New York Post with the same story...] Donald and Ivana Trump (greedy pigs). I mean, what's the big deal? The Trumps are just two normal people with normal problems (therapy). Donald's a confused man who should evoke our sympathy and understanding (cheating bastard), and Ivana... a very sweet and unfortunately heartbroken women (had it coming to her) who was misled into signing an obviously unfair prenuptial agreement (sucker). And caught up in all... of this, in the middle, is a sweet, innocent country girl named Marla Maples (homewrecker), who never had a chance... never had a chance to defend herself before the press (guilty). And who cares? Who cares where she's hiding out? (Atlantic City) Personally, I just don't understand the fascination with her (breasts). I mean, Germany... German reunification is right around the corner (big mistake), and Marla's picture... Marla's picture is on the cover of every paper. There's no reason for this (big breasts). Now, let's get our priorities in the right place (hot sex). So, in summing up, let's leave Donald (fishmouth) and Ivana out of the news, and let that poor innocent Marla Maples (slut) live her life without the press manipulating her (call me). I mean, come on. I mean, really.
Let me just say this. Marla doesn't deserve this (tie me up), and the public doesn't deserve this. Unlike other news reporters, I have true journalistic values (talk dirty to me). And from this point on, I will bring to you only the most important and newsworthy issues in today's world (bring Donald's money). Thank you.
[The Happy Fun Ball sketch]
K1Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3
It's Happy Fun Ball!
AAnnouncer
Yes, it's Happy Fun Ball! The toy sensation that's sweeping the nation! Only $14.95 at participating stores! Get one today! [suddenly, in a serious tone] Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball. Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete. Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs: Itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremites, loss of balance and coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, or heart palpitations. If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Inc., and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability. Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball includes an unknown glowing green substance which fell to Earth, probably from outer space. Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime warranty. [back in energetic tone again] Happy Fun Ball! Accept no substitutes!
Bob Swerski (George Wendt): Before we sign off, Todd here has a special ritual that he would like to perform in honor of the Bulls. Todd, as you can see, is standing in a hula skirt and a coconut bra. Todd, when was the last time you performed this ritual?
TOTodd O'Conner
(Chris Farley) January 26, 1986, when the Bears won the Super Bowl.
Bob: Okay, you may proceed.
TOTodd O'Conner
DA Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls
Secret Service Agent (Kevin Nealon): Sir, we've only been jogging for three blocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fast food places.
Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman): I just want to mingle with the American people, talk with some real folks.. and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something.
SSSecret Service Agent
Fine. But please don't tell Mrs. Clinton.
BCBill Clinton
Jim, let me tell you something—there's gonna be a lot of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton about.
DSDavid Spade
[during his Weekend Update segment "Hollywood Minute"] And Steve Martin, what about his new movie, Leap of Faith? I was gonna go see it, but I was sick that day. [the audience laughs lightly, then bursts into rapturous applause, as unbeknownst to Spade, Steve Martin himself walks up behind him] He has blonde hair in it- am I supposed to buy that? His hair has been grey since 1974. He's probably turned into one of those guys that doesn't wear a tie now- "Hey, I'm Matt Dillon". [as he says the following part, Martin grabs Spade's shoulder and starts squeezing it in implied anger.] Yeah, just a minute, Kevin. Anyway-- ow, you're hurting me. [he finally sees Martin, and is understandably scared shitless.]
Thanks for the tip, Kevin. [to Spade] You wanna go now? [Spade immediately leaves without a word, and Martin proceeds to do a similar segment ripping on HIM instead.] Hi there. I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hassling people with real careers. It's called "Your Last Hollywood Minute." Deal with it!
Bennett Brauer (Chris Farley): [making air quotes throughout] That's right, Bennett Brauer, here with a commentary. Not quite what you're used to, perhaps. Not a tidy picture, is it? Because in today's souped up society, apparently John Q. Viewer is only comfortable getting his opinions from a Ken doll. Well, maybe I'm not a "G.Q. model" or a "hunk". Maybe I'm not "handsome" or even "presentable". I'm not "pleasing to the eye". Maybe I'm not "witty". I have no "charm" or "appeal". I'm not "smart" or even "the average". I don't "pee in the potty". I'm not "clean". I don't "smell good". I'm not "polished" or "prepared". I have nothing "interesting to say". I guess I don't "play the game". When I eat, I don't "use silverware" or "wipe my face". I don't "wash afterwards" or even the "next day". So I guess I just don't "fit the mold", and if that 's the case, I'll just step back and I'm sure John and Jane Doe can go back to enjoying the endless parade of commentators who don't "make people queasy". Thanks, that's all for now, Kevin.
Matt Foley (Chris Farley): First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.
You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and livin' in a van down by the river!
Young man, what do you want to do with your life?
Brian (David Spade): Well, actually, I kind of want to be a writer.
...Well, la-dee-FRICKIN-da! We got ourselves a writer here! Hey Dad, I can't see real good, is that Bill Shakespeare over there?
Dad: Well, actually, Matt, we've actually been encouraging Brian in his writing.
Dad, I wish you could shut your big YAPPER!
From what I hear, you're using that paper not for writing, but for rollin' doobies. Well there's gonna be plenty of time for doobie rollin', when you're LIVIN' IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!
Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?
Stacy (Christina Applegate): [Sarcastically] I wanna live in a van down by the river.
Well, you'll have plenty of time for livin' in a van down by the river when...YOU'RE LIVIN' IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!
BBBennett Brauer
That's right, Bennett Brauer here with another commentary. Didn't think the suits would have me back, perhaps. Thought they'd have my derriere replaced by one of those cookie cutter store mannequins. Well, maybe I'm not "the norm". I'm not "camera friendly". I don't "wear clothes that fit me". I'm not a "heartbreaker". I haven't "had sex with a woman"; I don't know "how that works". I guess I don't "fall in line". I'm not "hygienic". I don't "wipe properly". I lack "style". I don't have "charisma" or "self esteem". I don't "own a toothbrush" or "let my scabs heal". I can't "reach all the parts of my body". When I sleep, I don't...I "sweat profusely". But I guess the "powers that be" will keep signing my paycheck, at least until John and Jane Q. Viewer start to go for the remote so they can get back to watching commentators who don't "frighten children" and don't "eat their own dandruff" and don't "pop their white heads with a compass they used in high school".
Lucy (David Spade): God, I love these fries!
Cindy (Chris Farley): If you love' em so much, why don't you marry 'em! [Takes some fries] Can I have some?
LLucy
Um, sure, Cindy, go ahead..
CCindy
[taking more] Oh, God, these are good!
Kristy (Adam Sandler): Uh.. Cindy, can you leave some for us?
[Cindy laughs and keeps eating]
LLucy
I thought you were, um, trying to lose weight?
CCindy
[deep voice, while choking Lucy] LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!
KNKevin Nealon
[subliminal editorial] In Singapore, public flogging by law is one hundred years old. (Dick Clark) And, frankly ...I was stunned to think there was any place on Earth where a teenage boy could be stripped and paddled across his bare buttocks. (Neverland Ranch) Admittedly...some convicted felons deserve to be beaten. (Leona Helmsley) But some say justice must be satisfied. But who gets satisfaction out of having people tied up and whipped? (Rick James) Others say...this acts as a deterrent but no one can predict the future. (Hillary Clinton) Yes, the boy admitted to spray painting cars, but he's only eighteen and young people often do stupid and impulsive things they later regret. (Shannen Doherty) I happen to think...that everyone's entitled to one mistake. (Euro Disney) And I'm not saying there aren't...those who I'd love to see get a good flogging. (Urkel) It's just that...I'm afraid we've become so insensitive that we've learned to accept the idea of a man's beating in public. (Pee Wee Herman) Let's have some compassion... Remember... No, I'm just saying, you gotta... Remember, justice should be tempered with mercy. These words from a wise man (Bazooka Joe) should be our watchword. ... And hopefully, before long, this boy can go on with his life and his story will be yesterday's news and long forgotten. (Debbie Gibson) Thank you.
PHPhil Hartman
Ladies and gentlemen, as we close out our 19th season, let’s say goodbye to the Saturday Night Live family singers.
[The remaining cast enters Home Base, each dressed as one of their prominent recurring characters]
Auf wiedersehen, goodnight!
LKLucy & Kristy
We sell you jeans
Like, even if they’re too tight!”
[Lucy and Kristy leave, as do each character after their respective solo]
We must be stealing.
Tori Spelling (Melanie Hutsell): Watch 90210.
Ike Turner (Tim Meadows): I’m sorry, Kevin Nealon.
We’d like to give you more.
JMJay Mohr, Sarah Silverman, Norm MacDonald
We’re not on a lot
So we’d better try and score.
It’s time to say farewell.
Linda Richman (Mike Myers): I feel verklempt
So talk among yourselves.
We have to bid adieu.
Zoraida (Ellen Cleghorne): What makes you think
That I won’t cut you?
To say goodbye is sad.
Richmeister & Pat (Rob Schneider and Julia Sweeney): We skipped this year
And that’s why it was bad.
We’ll wake up bright and early.”
MMMichael McKean
[dressed as Lenny Kosnowski] I don’t have a character yet
But I was on Laverne & Shirley.
MFMatt Foley
[alone and tired] So long.. farewell
Hey, what am I, chopped liver?
I need to sleep in a van down by the river.
[Matt sits on the apron of the stage, half-asleep, as Phil Hartman sits and wraps his arm around him]
PHPhil Hartman
You know, I can’t imagine a more dignified way to end my eight years on this program.
[singing] Good-bye... good-bye... good-bye.
