[coming home from the grocery store while Dan, Darlene and D.J. play baseball] Get your popcorn, get your peanuts, get over here and help me with these damn bags!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Do I HAVE to get dressed up for this boring dinner?
No, we're all dining naked.
AGAIN?!
This is great, now I gotta eat this stupid fish and wear this stupid dress...
And then you're gonna do the stupid dishes.
[forbidding Becky to see Johnny] I want you to get on the phone, you call the tongue bandit, and tell him you ain't goin' nowhere tonight.
Something is about to occur that is gonna wish you were to woke up as a different person, in a different house, in a different country, on a different planet.
[Behind him, the doorbell rings. Dan opens the door to reveal Edgar and Bonnie standing there, all smiles, carrying a box]
Croissants!
[Dan and Roseanne are speechless]
[about Johnny] It's none of your business!
It IS my business when you start sneakin' out of this house to meet some guy that I would consider leavin' your father for!
You know, Becky, what you did is gonna make it to ZIT Magazine's Ten Most Vicious Teens!
So how long's Becky grounded for?
What'd she do?
She forgot to gag Darlene like I told her.
[Roseanne and Dan are contacting their insurance at the hospital while Darlene is having an appendectomy]
Conner. C as in 'cat,' O as in 'oaf,' N as in 'numbskull,' N as in 'nitwit'...E as in...'empty-headed,' R as in 'target!'
I found it, Darlene!
What?
The floor of your room!
[The ladies have just learned that Booker is assigning them an extra hour of overtime because of a mistake Jackie made on her machine.]
I suppose you're going to point the finger at me.
Yeah, and you know which one.
WWaitress
My Marvin passed away about 7 years ago. I miss him. He was a good man. The hardest part is going home at night to an empty house. It's so damn quiet. Y'know, sometimes, I turn on the ball game and turn it up real loud like he used to do. And I hate sports! But what are you gonna do?
[examining D.J.'s artwork] This is a pretty picture. Is this one for school? There's Daddy and me, and Becky and you... where's Darlene?
[points to a spot on picture] Right there.
That looks like a bunch of flowers.
I know. That's her grave.
[D.J. grins at Darlene, who glares back]
[yelling at Darlene] How come I found my new sweater in the bottom of your grungy closet?
Because everything in the free world is in the bottom of the grungy closet. So what else is new?
[frustrated at the washing machine] I HATE this house! Nothing ever works!
[cooking] Except me.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.