[holding up the device and smiling] Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable! [Morty vomits as Rick glances at him and puts the box away] You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna.
I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were!
I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough.
Y'know what, Rick?! That's it! I'm done with these i-insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty! Do-don't-don't be like that! The universe is a crazy, chaotic place!
You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun!
Oh yeah, Morty, yeah, re— Yeah, th-that's real easy to say from the sidekick position, but-but, uhh... how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll... talk about how simple and fun it is?
Seriously, Rick? Y-Y-You'll let me... call the shots?
Okay, yeah, fine! But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.
Okay. All right, tough guy. But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure.
Deal. All right, w-well, come on! Let's get going! [Beth comes in]
Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again.
No! The opposite. Can you fix it? [Summer comes in]
Grandpa Rick! Can you help me with my science homework?
Yeah, d— Just don't do it.
Grandpa! [Jerry comes in]
Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?
Wow, hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family.
Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say! Bahhk-bahk-bahk-bahk!
Oh, Morty, y-you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you ding-dongs... [rummages box and holds a cube] this is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this— [a blue man poofs out of nowhere]
MMr. Meeseeks
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!
You make a request— Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar.
—the Meeseeks fulfils the request... [Meeseeks opens jar]
—and then it stops existing. [Meeseeks poofs away]
Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out. Just... eh-keep your requests simple. They're not gahh-ods.
All right, g-get outta here now! Everybody outta here! I got a bet to win!
[after Summer, Beth, and Jerry leave, Morty closes the door]
G1Giant 1
Hey look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him and murder him?!"
Th-th— But that's not how it went down!
G2Giant 2
Oh well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that.
Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Reehh-al straightforward and fun.
Meh, try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid. And there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape.
You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica!
Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss—your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought...
[opens cupboard] "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me."
I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate.
[rummages freezer and fridge] Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread.
My marriage is FINE, thank you.
Jerry, it's your house, whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.
C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that!
Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science.
Boy, Morty, I really Cronenberg-ed the world up, didn't I? We got a... whole planet of Cronenbergs walkin' around down there, Morty. A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though, that's a huge step in the right direction.
Oh, my god! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick?!
ME irresponsible?! You-- All I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Morty! You're the one who wanted to be-- Wanted me to buckle down and make you up a... roofie-juice serum, so you could roofie that poor girl at your school! [stammering] I mean, w-w-w-w-w w-- Are you kidding me, Morty?! You're gonna try to take the high road on this one?! Y-y-y-y-you're a little creep, Morty! Y-you're a-- You're-you're-you're just a little creepy... creep person!
All right, fine! I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something, you know what?! You gotta accept your part of the blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who-who-who-who haphazardly, y'know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of CRONENBERGS! You gotta fix this, Rick!
[In an alternate reality, Rick blows himself and Morty up after Morty hands him a screwdriver. The "main" Rick and Morty then portal in to find their corpses and innards all over the garage]
All right, Morty, here we are.
[horrified] OH MY GOD, RICK! IS THAT US?! W-W-W-WE'RE DEAD! WHAT IS GOING ON, RICK?! I'M FREAKING OUT...!
[grabbing and shaking him] Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!
You gotta calm-- Calm yourself, Morty...!
I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS...!
Morty! Calm down, Morty...!
Morty! You gotta calm down, Morty!
Will you listen to me, Morty...?!
[smacks him] SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME! It's fine! Everything is fine! There's an infinite number of realities, Morty, and in a few dozen of those, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one of those realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality, and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Morty. Now help me with these bodies.
[lifting his alternate self's body] Look, Morty, I'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, tha-th-th-that seems fair to me I mean, that seems like a fair way to divvy it up.
Rick! What about the reality we left behind?!
What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is, don't think about it. It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more of these, tops. Now pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. [drags his body away, then comes back] I-I-I don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, if I hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so... again, you're welcome.
[at a pawn shop on a small planetoid]
Look, I'm not paying 70 (erh) smidgens for a (ERHH) broken defraculator.
PPawnbroker
That is multiphase quantum resonator.
Well, does it defraculate?
Then- then- then it's a broken defraculator.
PPawnbroker
Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks!!
Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what, I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart.
Hey uh, Rick, um... y-you think maybe I could get something from this place? L-l-like a souvenir? L-like just to have—like something cool, y'know?
Not here, Morty, we'll stop somewhere else, because you know, there's always another pawn shop.
Oh okay, I just, um... Y'know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, y'know?
Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?
Yeah, y'know! I mean, it's different from the stuff on Earth. A-a-a-and y'know, y-you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy and- y'know, I don't really have anything to- to remember all those trips by. It'd be kinda cool, like a souvenir. Y'know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember... all the cool stuff we did, y'know?
Okay. 60 (erhp) for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.
[Morty sees Morty Jr. turned into monster in the living room]
Morty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay!
MJMorty Jr.
What are you gonna do, ground me?! I can't go outside anyway!
So what?! Y-Y-You could do things inside! Y-You could play guitar, you could masturbate!
MJMorty Jr.
I don't wanna masturbate! I wanna conquer the planet!
Oh, here we go again! Y-Y'know, who do you think is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?!
MJMorty Jr.
Love... that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?!
All right, that's it! No more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only!
MJMorty Jr.
I hate video games!!
You take that back!! [they fight over the remote] Give it to me!! [pushes Morty Jr.] I-I-I-I— I didn't mean— I didn't mean that! I didn't mean to do that! I'm sorry!
MJMorty Jr.
[runs to the door] I can't take this anymore!! I'd rather breathe poison than live another minute with you!!
[Morty Jr. nudges Morty back and walks out of the house. He takes a deep breath and holds it in; he pauses for a beat]
MJMorty Jr.
My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! [runs into the street] Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date, it was a pagan holiday!
[uses alternate reality goggles] Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders! It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know... predictable?
When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals.
Gimme a break! We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. [uses goggles]
Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.
Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables!
[scoffs] What are you talking about?
All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" Well, now you know, you'd be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart!
[Morty walks in on Summer, packing a bag and preparing to run away]
Hey, uh…y-you doing okay? [she glares at him] I-I kinda know how you feel, Summer—
No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents' misery, you're just a symptom of it.
Can I show you something?
Morty, no offence, but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident!
[points outside] THAT, out there? That's my grave.
[understandably confused] Wait, what?
On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-an-an-and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast twenty yards away from my own rotting corpse!
[deeply shocked] So…you're not my brother?
I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. [beat] …Come watch TV?
Hey, Morty, lemme-- [burps] lemme-- [burps again] lemme ask you a question real quick: does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it?
Rhetorical question, Morty. The answer is yes, you just have to be a genius. [scans the microscope from Mr. Needful; an "IQ" bar on the laptop drops to nearly 0] Cute. Your sister’s boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.
Ooh! Oh boy, Rick. I don’t think you’re allowed to say that word, you know?
Uh, Morty, I’m not disparaging the differently-abled. I’m stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded.
Okay, yeah, but I don’t think it's about logic, Rick. I-I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing.
Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers, but fucks with you in unforeseeable ways? Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus"! I-I use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers! This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He would've had to run until he died, making them worthless! I've removed the curse, making them worth, like, I don't know, $8 million? See you at the Olympics. This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family. Now it does their taxes.
DDoll
Everything's deductible.
Don't pay for cool stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money! You know, like how every store in the world works?
Oh, look, it’s Rosemary’s Baby! How's business?
Here’s the last of our inventory. We’re going to file chapter 11 and do some restructuring.
Sounds like code for "You win, Rick!"
That was important to you, wasn’t it?
Nope, it was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for twenty minutes.
