[After not speaking for ages, Rich hits his buzzer.]
Er, Rich?
Ever since the clangers, I’ve been lost. The last picture I recognised was the KKK and that’s pretty sad.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Thirty-mile-an-hour winds come when a train enters the station, and a lot of hair gets blown down into the tunnels.
That's how I lost mine, actually. Most of it is Tottenham Court Road.
[Talking about how Tube tunnels are cleaned]
I don't understand why you can't have a—you know, like you used to have a cleaning tape for your cassette deck—you can't have a cleaning Tube? You'd just send a big furry train down …
[About Derren Brown]
JVJohnny Vaughan
He's got one great trick. You know when you've got an empty seat by you in a train, and you don't want anybody to sit there? He says you're insane to put things on the chair to stop people sitting there. The trick is, as they approach, you smile at them and pat the seat.
The word "donkey"—when did it come into the English language?
GGGraeme Garden
When was Don Quixote published?
[On the Number of the Beast ]
They've discovered a papyrus which has the whole book of Revelations--it's the oldest papyrus on the book of Revelations--and the number is 616, as was known about--
GGGraeme Garden
[pressing his buzzer] That's the fax number of the Beast.
MSMark Steel
You know what they say is a test of whether you're anal? Whether or not you keep your records in alphabetical order. I would surely think that it depends on how many records you got—I mean, if you've only got two and you keep going back and going "ABBA, ZZ Top, they're still there, that's lovely" but I've got a roomful of bloody records! I keep them in alphabetical order so I can find the one I want! Apparently that means I got a problem with me arse! How is that right?
What is meant by the expression "hoover the talking seal"?
RMRoger McGough
Well, it's either one of those wonderful Oz expressions for throwing up … "Excuse me, I've got to go hoover the talking seal …"
Or "My wife came in just as I was hoovering the talking seal …"
RMRoger McGough
[reciting a poem] A crab, I'm told, will not bite,
Or poison you just for spite;
Won't lie in wait beneath a stone,
Until one morning out alone,
You poke a finger like a fool
Into an innocent-looking pool;
Won't grab your hand
And drag you off across the sand
Down into the bottom of the sea
To eat you dressed for Sunday tea.
The crab, I'm told, is a bundle of fun.
With claws like that? Pull the other one!
Jo, what’s a good way to create the impression that you’ve cleaned the house when you haven’t?
Just lock the door and kill everyone.
[Stephen answering the question on how to create the impression that you've cleaned the house when you haven't.]
You spray or apply furniture polish to a radiator, and it fills the room with the smell of furniture polish. These hints are either from a book called Trade Secrets by Katherine Lapworth and Alexandra Fraser, or from Superhints by the Lady...
I know those two. They're slags, the pair of them.
What do you know of the book called Superhints by the Lady Wardington?
Yeah, I know her.
Do you know the Lady Wardington?
She's a bitch.
What is the cheapest way to remove blood stains from clothes? Let’s imagine if you cut yourself shaving and you get a spot there.
The cheapest way?
Yeah.
What, you have to go down to the river and beat it on a rock?
[Stephen has said that you get a better clean on a knife blade if you have it pointing up in the cutlery rack of a dishwasher.]
I clean my knives in a crossbow. Some people say it's foolish. I put them in the hoover and set it on blow, and then shoot them and trap them around the kitchen, as I sit with a plug, bare-wired, at my feet, peeing on it! Gives it a better clean...
[A picture of a blood-spattered surgeon appears on the screen.]
Can I just say, I'm so impressed you got a picture of my husband in our fantasy sex kit.
[on having to replace a door]
The door handle kept turning like that. Turning and turning and turning, and I couldn’t get into the loo. And I really needed to go. So I kicked the door in. And it’s the only time I’ve ever kicked a door in. Brilliant! It was a really cheap, flimsy door, and it smashed, like that, and it exploded, and the door bit fell down, and there was wood everywhere, and I burst in, and [smiling triumphantly] had a crap.
Lovely. Very nice.
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