It's so weird that these national heroes are not from the place they are supposed to be. William Wallace was from Kenya. His mother was Masai... Not really!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
So, Culloden was really more of a local difficulty; it was Highland versus Lowland; it was like Celtic and Rangers. Catholic versus Protestant, essentially. It's that kind of fight. And it goes on to this day. Will we never learn? Who knows? Religion. Shit it.
[Speaking of marmots]
Given the right conditions, it's a dangerous, a deadly merciless killer of humans. How?
[presses his buzzer]
Clive.
Lead piping in the billiard room.
[Guessing which illness most doctors treat more than any other]
Pregnancy?
Pregnancy isn't a disease, Alan.
APAndy Parsons
It would be if Alan got it!
It’d be a surprise, wouldn’t it?
I’ll give you a clue. It begins with D.
Death?
Doctors don’t treat death.
Oh, there you are. Great Wall of China.
I've got quite an interesting fact about that.
Yep.
Longest wall in the world, not one cashpoint.
[After discussing the Great Stink]
I'd love to have been in parliament that day. "And I put it to the honourable member, that he who smelt it, dealt it!"
Whoa!
[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - HE WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT.]
[After Stephen has had to have beer goggles explained to him]
Stephen doesn't have beer goggles, he has Madeira pince-nez. "Oh, you're a cracker! More Madeira? A small Sherry?"
A Sherry Monocle? He's got the Sherry Monocle in.
You're all rotters and I hate you.
In fact, every woman in the world has got bird flu. But we don't give a shit, we just get on with our lives. Now it's only because a few men have caught it lately that people are going mad about it. "Oh, I've got bubonic plague, but I've still got to do the hoovering."
[About alcohol]
Does it affect memory? Cos I’m fairly sure it does.
I did know that.
Cos on my 30th birthday, I got some photos back after we had this dinner, and there were people with indoor sparklers. And I thought, “when did they have them? I must have gone to the loo or something. I don’t remember that.” And the next one was me with a sparkler. Then it’s me with two sparklers. Me lighting sparklers really intently, handing sparklers out.
[on breaking wind in front of the queen]
JCJulian Clary
It was just a little smidge as I thought, and I tried to get rid of it by internal squeezing. But it can't be done, and...
...are the muscles a little lax down there?
What's the difference between table tennis and ping pong?
In table tennis you serve the ball with a bat, and in ping pong it's launched from the vagina of a Thai woman.
[Stephen asks for Gandhi's first name, which is not 'Mahatma'.]
Do you know what "Mahatma" means?
It means "Can I have my hat please, Mother?"
JRJonathan Ross
What's the protocol for when you see a really ugly baby?
I'll tell you. People show you their babies on their phone now, and it's like a cashew with some hair coming out of it. The thing to say is "Nice phone".
[Discussing what babies have that adults do not]
They don't have kneecaps, do they?
JRJonathan Ross
Aren't you confusing them with mer-babies?
[A picture of the KKK comes up]
Oh man, of all the pictures you have to show.
I know, it's not good.
That's my uncle in that.
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