QI quotes

Sandi Toksvig

What is the opposite of a plant eating sheep?

Sara Pascoe

A sheep that grows plants.

Sandi Toksvig

See, just when I thought what I said was really clear…

Jimmy Carr

You sound like a vegan who's really hungry.

Sandi Toksvig

The opposite of a plant eating sheep would be a…?

Colin Lane

A sheep eating plant.

Sandi Toksvig

Yes!

Sara Pascoe

Well done, Colin.

Colin Lane

[triumphantly basks in the applause of the audience]

Sandi Toksvig

Colin, I said in the beginning the more you get wrong, the more points you get. I don't know if that's...

Colin Lane

I've been on this show six or seven times and I still don't know what the rules are.

Jimmy Carr

There is a penis for sale in London...

Sandi Toksvig

Sorry?

Jimmy Carr

There is a very strange store in the East End in London. And the last man to be hanged in England, ah, they have his penis and it's for sale.

Sandi Toksvig

How much is it?

Sara Pascoe

And was he hung?

Sandi Toksvig

We have all this nuclear waste stinking the place up instead of keeping it all underground why don't we do the opposite, fire it all at the sun and forget about it?

Jimmy Carr

[exasperated] I only just started recycling.

Colin Lane

If we fired it all at The Sun, wouldn't Rupert Murdock be upset?

Sandi Toksvig

Suddenly it seems like a good idea.

Bill Bailey

Phantom leg itch, yeah. What about if you got two legs and got, like, a phantom third leg?

Sandi Toksvig

That's what every boy thinks he's got.

Sandi Toksvig

Some of these “Bills of Mortality”, they just had cause of death “suddenly”.

Rhod Gilbert

Forced air? I never heard the term. I'm forty…??? late forties. I'm not gonna bother sitting here working it out. I'm fifty soon, I never heard the term forced...well, not in that context.

Sandi Toksvig

I love the fact, Rhod, that I'm asking you some quite complicated science question and you don't know how old you are.

Rhod Gilbert

[scribbles] I'm about forty nine.

Sandi Toksvig

Have you just worked it out?

Rhod Gilbert

Yeah. [laughter] I'm so used to saying “I'm fifty in a few years”, I'm so used to saying that, that for a moment...

Sandi Toksvig

[to Rhod Gilbert] The thing is though, it is quite good to know how old you are and the producer just told me in my ear that you are forty eight.

Rhod Gilbert

What are we talking about?

Sandi Toksvig

Hidden. Underwater cables.

Rhod Gilbert

Oh, yeah.

Sandi Toksvig

You're forty eight!

Rhod Gilbert

Spying was a lot more hassle in those days. Now all you need is somebody's maiden name and their pet's name and you're off.

Alan Davies

If you're a Russian you just have to go and see Donald Trump and ask him.

Rhod Gilbert

I've been to the bottom of the sea.

Really? What's down there?

Rhod Gilbert

My feet.

Sandi Toksvig

Which part of the body was used to stop the Netherlands flooding in 1953?

Bill Bailey

Somebody put their finger in a dike!

Sandi Toksvig

No, we mentioned on QI before, the story of a Dutch boy sticking his finger in a dike is a myth. What other body-part might you stick into a hole to st…[general tittering]

Alan Davies

The penis.

Alan Davies

I sucked into that.

Sandi Toksvig

I can categorically tell you, no dyke needs a penis.