TV show quotes
How do you measure the unpleasantness of a smell?
I mean I don't know, but I once did a fart that was so bad my da- I didn't own up to it – and my dad went and got the yellow pages out and he was looking for the number of a plumber because he thought a sewage pipe had leaked.
Whose social media is little more than an odious pile of crap?
Is that a trick question? Cause isn't everyone's…
The Epicureans said that truffles smell like the tussled sheets on a brothel bed.
We have some actual truffles here [hands out plates with bits of truffles]
[surreptitiously empties his plate into his shirt pocket]
[On the fact that most of virgin olive oil is adulterated]
They should have on the extra virgin oil stuff, like, in brackets “May contain slag.”
[Sandi has been awarding scratch and sniff stickers for quite interesting answers]
I cannot wait to see the Swedish version of Sherlock where he goes: “ [sniff, sniff] It's smellementary, my dear Watson.” [To the applauding audience] Hey, come on! Yes!
Has he got any sticker? No, then I'd ask for them back.
[ Sandi has handed out an odd gadget, wanting to know what you open with it]
A safe? A suitcase? Your heart?
[Later]
And also you can measure the girth of your penis. [Hands gadget to Romesh ] You can measure the length of yours with that.
HOW DID WE GET THERE SO QUICKLY!?
[On which train the Murder on the Orient Express took place]
Well, what is the full name of the one where the murder took place, then?
We were thinking of the one where it took place! We don't have to say the name of this train. We just, all of us, demand the points!
: Is there WiFi or 3G on the Orient Express? That, for me, is generally the...
That's what they meant: There's no WiFi. It is murder on the Orient Express.
[On a list of obscure organs in animals]
Do you have a smart vagina?
Erm, it's terribly tidy. [beat] I have a woman in, twice a week. [High-fives Lisa Tarbuck]
[On Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo Bear being basically thieves]
In the first episode someone could've just come in and shot them.
[Imitating Yogi Bear] Boo-Boo! It's getting dark! I'm loosing blood, Boo-Boo!
[Imitating Boo-Boo Bear] Don't go to sleep, Yogi! Don't go to sleep!
[Imitating Yogi Bear] I don't think I'm gonna make it, Boo-Boo! I can see a great big pic-a-nic basket in the sky, Boo-Boo!
[ Alan's buzzer goes “In, Out, In, Out, Shake It All About” Slade, Okey kokey ]
Very base level Kamasutra, there.
[“store scum” being an anagram of “customers”, audience claps enthusiastically]
[points towards audience] There's a few people out there work retail.
Seriously, there are all these people doing downward dogs...
I'm going to stop you right there.
[On the screens is an image of a hedgehog which has lost its spines, audience goes awwww]
[on the audience's reaction] Oh, you really got this one bad, haven't you? [goes: awww, awww] One spineless hedgehog and you lose it. Sums this country up, if you ask me.
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