If a lion mates with a tiger, you get a …?
Scandal.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Can I just say something that's very strange? Because there's some German chewing gum called Spunk, and, um, you do have to be careful you don't swallow it—but in fact, I actually talked about that chewing gum on Clive James's show with you [pointing at Stephen] and Princess Diana! Do you remember? Seriously!
[wearily] That was a dream. You've got to sort these out.
Who are the Lords of Shouting?
Jo Brand and Alan Davies: [hitting their buzzers] WE ARE!
Thatcher's grave is going to be a permanent urinal to all decent people, isn't it?
How do hedgehogs make love?
Carefully!
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - CAREFULLY]
What's long and pink and hard in the morning? Answer - The Financial Times crossword.
An old lady gave me a Kit Kat recently, and it tasted exactly like old lady’s cupboards. And I looked on the sell by date and it was 1998.
Oh, bless.
DGDave Gorman
Are you using the phrase ‘old lady’s cupboards’ in any kind of euphemistic sense?
[Discussing the airport luggage codes that would cause you to have MAD BAD FAT SAD OLD GIT on your suitcase]
… which means they would in fact have recently visited Madrid, which is "MAD" … Bossy-er City, Louisiana …
Oh!
… which is "BAD"—you're from Louisiana, aren't you?
It's called Bossier City. [He pronounces it "Bojer".]
Bossier! I beg its appallingly insignificant pardon.
PSPeter Serafinowicz
I never saw American History X, because I didn't see any of the first nine.
There’s a little bit of Alan in me. Is there any Alan in you?
No. No.
Do you want some?
[Discussing the possibility of receiving xenotransplanted organs from pigs]
LSLinda Smith
Now what are the chances of a reckless young pig, goes out and gets killed in a motorcycle accident? They probably don't even carry donor cards!
It's in the Bible …
I haven't read it!
You should—it's hilarious.
What, or which, is the largest living thing on earth?
[determined] It is the blue whale!
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - BLUE WHALE]
I had an ants nest in my flat once.
Did you? What did you do?
Well, I was fairly stupid about it, because I saw an ant, I thought ‘there’s an ant in the flat’. And the next day I saw an ant and I thought ‘oh, there he is.’
It’s the same one?
And this went on for a couple of weeks, and then one day I moved the telephone table, there’s loads of them there. They went, [gasps]. Hoovered them. Hoovered the lot of them.
No.
I'll give you an extra two points if you can tell me the longest fence in the world.
The Great Fence of China!
It's to keep people off the Great Wall.
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