What is the most boring place in Britain?
Is it the Big Brother House?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Charlton Heston played Michelangelo?
Yes, you know, and—
The effete Italian homosexual?
Yes, that's the one, he was not effete—
Played by the president of the gun club?
He was an athletic Italian homosexual-
I thought he was a wussy one!
He may well have preferred man-on-man action, that doesn't mean he was Julian Clary! He was butch, like me!
Welcome to QI, the closest modern equivalent to Lions versus Christians.
And Alan goes...
[Alan hits his buzzer, and the klaxon goes off, flashing ‘hopeless’ behind him.]
Minus 10 to Alan already before we’ve even begun our first round.
How do otters kill crocodiles?
Softly with their songs.
[Danny Baker has related a theory that states if a person can lick their own elbow, then they will be immortal.]
But isn't that how socialism was invented, that someone said, "Come, let us lick each other's elbows"?
The fourth largest navy in the world, if one goes by boats alone? Disney. Disney has the fourth largest flotilla in the world.
Good God. They'll be making films next!
How do you spell ribbit? Oh, like that.
That’s apparently how you spell it.
No, that’s rabbit in New Zealand.
JCJackie Clune
I have an Australian girlfriend who has two vaginas. She went to have a smear test and the doctor said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. You've got some precancerous cells, but they're only in one of your vaginas." She says, "Oh, I've been saving the other one for that special man."
You could call the American Indians, or Native Americans, you could call them Aboriginals if you wanted.
You could. But it’s more fun to call them redskins.
Yes. I wouldn’t try it though, in America.
No.
You’d have your balls turned into a small purse.
A very big purse, I think you’ll find.
What am I thinking?
I’ll have my balls turned into a rucksack.
JCJackie Clune
It is actually possible for the ball sack to be stretched beyond recognition.
By a woman scorned?
I know that the stingray sucks food up from the sea bed.
Yeah, it’s more of a fish than an insect.
It can locate and suck up food from a foot below the surface of the sea bed.
It’s what we in the gay community call a bottom feeder.
Can I be in the gay community?
Oh, very well.
Can I be an arthropod and in the gay community?
It’s a specialist area, but I’m sure there are many websites devoted to it.
The gay arthropods.
The gay arthropods.
[Randomly, during a question as to whether banana plants are trees]
They walk.
I'm sorry?
Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.
Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.
...they do, they walk. I travelled to Colombia and went to a banana plantation and I was admiring this banana tree said "hold on a minute, what about this patch next to the tree and the man said "the banana trees they walk".
[After 15 seconds...]
The intelligent voices in my head tell me you're absolutely right Sean, they do walk! They walk up to 40 centimetres in a lifetime.
You should read the books.
I don’t have time to read the books. I haven’t read all yours yet.
It’s full of interesting stuff. For instance, Bond has these strange ideas, he has this idea that homosexuals can’t whistle, for example.
Its cos they’ve got cock in their mouth.
[Stephen drops his head to the desk.]
I want you to go and stand in the corner.
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