Sam [to Spike]: It's amazing how you're still a jerk under pressure.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Are you okay, Kenny?
I told you, didn’t I? It’s Jenny. She dumped me.
Yeah, but that was this morning, wasn’t it? Kenny, everyone gets dumped. Even I’ve been dumped. Once. I think. Actually, what did happen to him? I think I might just have forgotten I had him. It’s terrible when you lose track of one, isn’t it?
Suzy, I caught one of your matches the other day and I was impressed. Just a little word of advice though, show your legs more.
Look, can we discuss your proposed spending plan for the graphics department quarterly target allocation?
What does that word mean?
Which one?
Any one.
Graphic Department spending proposals. An HB pencil and a sunbed?
Well, I can explain the pencil.
Kenny, I need a sunbed. I need a skin tint that goes with my hair colour.
And you think that's a justified office purchase, do you?
Yeah, of course, it's justified. If I don't stay gorgeous what are the guys round here going to think about at night?
I'm sure they'll manage to think about someone else.
Exactly.
Well, we'll compromise, then. How about a hole in the roof?
So, how are you feeling?
You know how it is. No, I'm fine, really. I just have this occasional tendency to drop to my knees, beat the ground with my fists and sob hysterically. Mum has to tether me up the garden at night so I can howl at the moon, but basically, I'm still the warm, lovable human being as I ever was. Except I can't speak to brunettes without attempting to strangle them.
Hey, there are other girls in the world.
"Yeah? That's what everyone says, but I don't believe them."
How could anyone be madly in love with you?
I don't know. But then again, I'm the only person in this conversation who isn't.
No, I am.
Mr Sullivan [on the conundrum of Lynda's woodcarving]: Well, it's obvious isn't it? A freak worm hole has opened up in the fabric of the space-time continuum. This seemingly insignificant woodcarving has been sucked back in time ten years to the bedroom of the infant Lynda Day. But what awesome celestial forces are behind this strange phenomenon? And what, Lynda, is their evil purpose? We shall have to act quickly to save the entire Universe!"
Lynda [aged 6, on Kenny]: He followed me. He always follows me.
I'm telling you, Kenny, Spike has absolutely no effect on me whatsoever.
Hey Lynda, is it okay if I borrow your pencil?
Will you stop making stupid suggestive remarks!
But you're the perfect one to do it, Kenny. You've got that steel in you, Kenny.
I see. So, you think that if you can perch on my desk, cross your legs, flatter me, ruffle my hair, that I'm going to fire Claire Pearson?
I haven't ruffled your hair.
See, you're not even trying, are you?
Nice line, Kenny.
I'm beginning to think there are hidden depths in you.
I've got depths like you wouldn't believe. I just don't spend much time there.
I'm going in there now, and if you hear screaming, you know what to do?
Calm you down and get you a glass of water?
No, watch and weep.
Sam [as he leaves, to Kate]: Flatter 'em, doubt 'em, challenge 'em. Never fails.
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