Colin quotes from Press Gang

Colin

So. You saw through my disguise.

Spike

A tablecloth with a headband round it? No, I just took a lucky guess!

Colin

Height?

Four foot two, not counting my head.

Colin

So, you didn't think your black belt in judo was worth mentioning?

Well, I thought people would be more interested in the train-spotting angle.

Colin

So, who hates me enough to want me battered senseless by Malcolm the shaving gorilla?

Shall I get the list?

Colin, what does a rabbit mean to you?

Colin

A four-pack of lucky feet.

Colin

Can I talk to you seriously for a moment?

I very much doubt it.

Lynda

I was just going up these stairs.

Colin

Right.

Lynda

No particular reason.

Colin

You said.

Lynda

Well, I'll just go up them, then.

Lynda

Me neither.

Spike

Is that right?

Lynda

What a coincidence?

Spike

It's just amazing!

Colin

Look, would you both mind? You're both very cute and everything, I mean if you're selling the film rights to this little romance, I'm in, but just at the moment I really don't want to listen to it.

Colin

Of all the people I thought would notice...

Lynda

I'm the last?

Colin

And of all the people I thought would care...

Lynda

I'm not sure I do care - I don't know what your problem is yet. But I do know it's serious.

Colin

And how do you know that?

Lynda

Because you live for what you do. You live to hustle, right?

Colin

Well, sure. So?

Lynda

It's like you live for your work. Like there's nothing outside of that. No social life, nothing. And, of course, there's your appalling dress sense.

Colin

What's appalling dress sense got to do with it?

Lynda

I'm trying to think of everything we have in common. The point I'm making is this. I know how an obsessive behaves. Because I am one. And I know how much it takes to knock an obsessive off the tracks because I've been there.

Kenny

What are you doing in my wardrobe?

Colin

Well your mum said I could wait in your room.

Kenny

I don't think she meant in my wardrobe.

Colin

Would it have killed her to be a little more specific?

Kenny

Colin, it's me. I invented calm. I only have a pulse at weekends. Where is lunch?

Colin

You don't sound calm.

Kenny

It's a voice exercise. I have to talk through my teeth and imagine I'm kicking puppies.

Kenny

Colin, I know that you arranged for Frazz to tape me in my wardrobe, so I would guess that you also arranged for the most beautiful woman I've ever seen to walk into my life and slap me in the face.

Colin

Yeah, sorry about that, kid.

Kenny

No problem. Actually, that's what it was kind of like with me and Jenny, only she took longer on the backswing. But one question does spring to mind: why?

Colin

Kenny, where do you see yourself in ten years time?

Kenny

Being nice to people in a new and older age group, being dumped by all my girlfriends for being too boringly nice, and never getting further through a sentence than 'But Lynda...'

Colin

There's a real world out there.

Kenny

Yeah, and you ought to try it some time.

Kenny

I don’t have a secret life.

Colin

You do now.

Spike

You want me to find Kenny for you?

Colin

You know where he is?

Spike

I could guess who he's with. Next best thing.