TV show quotes
[Barrowclough and the prisoners are trapped in a locked church]
Come on, Fletcher, you've been convicted of breaking and entering.
Ah - "entering" being the operative word, Mr Barrowclough. I ain't never been convicted of breaking out of nowhere.
Lots of famous people have been illegitimate, you know. William the Conqueror.... Napper Wainwright....
Who's Napper Wainwright?
He was a screw at Brixton. Mind you, he was a bastard.
I've got something very serious to say. I don't know quite how to put this, gentlemen, but there is a thief among us.
There's nigh on 600 people in this prison, and I should think two-thirds of them are in for stealing something.
Oh yeah, that's stealing on the outside, innit, Warren, eh? That's stealing against civilians. That's just a way of life. It's a living, innit? That's ordinary skulduggery, that is. The crime I'm talking about has been perpetrated within these walls. Which is despicable! I mean it's beneath the dignity of any moral, law abiding criminal.
Unlike the rest of you, I'm not a common criminal.
Oh? I dunno if it's escaped your notice, but you are doing porridge, ain't you? And have been for 18 months now.
Yes, you know what I mean, but I'm a professional man, a dentist. Consequently—
Now, just a minute. Let's just set the record straight, shall we? You was a dentist, right? It's been some time now since they struck you off their little list, innit, eh? After that regrettable incident with the laughing gas. I mean in your own mind you may not consider yourself a criminal, but to the ladies in question it was no laughing matter, was it?
[Fletcher has gathered everyone into his cell to get to the bottom of who stole his tin of pineapple chunks.]
Kangaroo court, eh? Heard about it.
Oh, McLaren, hello! Make room for McLaren, come on, shift up there, Lukewarm.
No reason to exclude me, you know, Fletch. We're all in this together. The finger of suspicion points at everyone.
Right.
I'd just like to mention, of course, if anybody points it at me, I'll clobber them!
Oh yeah. Well, that's nice. Very good of you to be so reasonable.
[Godber has hidden a newly stolen tin of pineapple chunks under a towel on Fletcher's bed.]
They think we're all pilferers, don't they, eh? Think we're all thieving all the time, don't they? We're under continual harassment, suspicion, poking through our belongings without any justifications whatsoever. I think if you'll excuse me, I'll go for a shower. [goes to grab his towel]
No!
What? What?
Oh, well, you've no need to Fletch. You're so clean!
What's got into you, Godber? Eh? Eh!? [to Mr. MacKay] You lot are warping this lad's mind, you know that, don't you? [picks up the towel and leaves the cell, inadvertently revealing the tin to Mr. MacKay.]
FLETCHER! Come here, a minute. What is that?
What's what? [spots the tin] Bloody hell!
Come with me, Fletcher!
Listen—
No, you won't need your towel!
Listen, that is a plant!
No it's not! It's a tin of pineapples!
[Fletch has a question for Mackay]
'Ol love-lorn Lenny here wants to know whether the BBC ever play prisoner requests.
No. Oh no. The answer to that is no. On the grounds that it could cause embarrassment."
Embarrassment?
To the prisoner's families. The families might've excused his absence by telling the neighbours that the felon in question was abroad, or working on a North Sea oil rig.
Oh. I see.
No doubt your wife, Fletcher, has told your friends that you are on a five-year safari. [chuckles at his own joke]
No. She just tells them I'm doing missionary work in Scotland.
[Godber has just asked Fletch if he would make it outside of prison]
With you, it's different. I mean, you're young, you're 'ealthy, you've go an honest face.
Is that enough?
Yeah, I think so, yeah. Character, that's what I can read there. That's what you've got, son. Character. [pats him on the shoulder] You're a good lad.
So you think, Fletch, that if somebody cared for me. Like, a girl, like, she'd... uh... forgive me past misdemeanours?
Yeah. If she's any sort of human being, yes she would, yeah. Any human being would. [places his hand on his shoulder] You see, you've got to learn to believe in yourself, ain't ya, eh? 'Cause I believe in ya.
Do ya?
Of course I do, yeah.
[handing him an envelope] Oh, well, I'll post this, then. Could you get your mucker, Barrowclough to post it in the village for me quite, like?
[Reading envelope] Who is it? BBC?
Yeah. It's on plain notepaper, so they won't know it's from a prisoner.
"'Ello Young Lovers Corner?" Is all this soul searching just for the benefit of that slag Denise?
No! Not 'er.
Who, then?
[tentative] Ingrid.
[obviously shocked and infuriated, smiles falsely] My Ingrid?
[poetically] Our eyes met across the crowded room.
My daughter Ingrid?
[continuing] And though we didn't know each other, we both knew -
[interrupting him in fury] You think I'd let my daughter Ingrid hang out with the likes of you!? [Grabs him by the shirt and raising his fist] A JUVENILE DELINQUENT FROM THE BACKSTREETS OF BIRMINGHAM!!!
Fletch! Fletch! Fletch! Be careful!
WHY!?
You've crushed your ping-pong ball.
I think some of you wrongly assumed that I had left you for good. But, as you see, nothing could be further from the truth. Only... I am somewhat disturbed to hear what has been happening in my absence. So now... We're going to have a new regime here, based not on lenience and laxity but on discipline, hard work and blind, unquestioning obedience. Feet will not touch the floor. Lives will be made a misery. [At the door] I am back, and I am in charge here.
[Mr. Mackay leaves, but as he walks down the corridor, Fletch and Godber start singing]
[singing] For 'e's a jolly good fellow, for 'e's a jolly good fellow, for 'e's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us.
[joining in] And so say all of us, and so say all of us. [Mackay smiles proudly and continues to march to the exit] For 'e's a jolly good fellow, for 'e's a jolly good fellow, for 'e's a jolly good fellow... And so say all of us!
[Fletch and his friends are cleaning a floor. Mr. Wainwright walks through it with dirty feet, leaving boot marks.]
[annoyed] Mr. Wainwright! Now look what you've done!
[Wainwright wanders over, leaving more dirty marks]
We'll have to do it all again now, won't we? [Wainwright nods with a smirk on his face]
[Fletch sulkily dips his cloth into his bucket of water and throws it on the floor, deliberately near Wainwright's shoes. Wainwright's smile fades and he angrily steps forward and crushes Fletch's hand with his boot. A cry of pain is heard.]
[Talking about Wainwright] Do you know what sorts of curtailments we've suffered? Shorter telly hours, no fraternisation in the exercise yard, and he's only removed our ping-pong table to put in your flamin' mess.
Yeah, well, that's only until our billiard table is re-covered.
Oh yeah, yeah, well, yeah.
Well, it was your fault it wanted re-covering.
Our fault?
Well, some prisoner certainly tampered with it.
Can you prove that!?
Well, we can surmise it. When Nosher Garrett went over the wall, he was picked up in Blackpool wearing a green baize suit.
Fletch [sings]: Born free..... till somebody caught me..... now I'm doin' solit'ry.....
Fletch [sings]: I believe for every bit of rain that falls..... someone gets wet.
[Fletch, under Grouty's orders, is trying to get Godber to throw his fight]
[Slowly] I've got to ask you... Well, I've got to tell you, what someone has asked me... Well, told me... Well, that they was wondering you see... Well, they was insisting if you could see your way clear... Not that you've got much choice... Oh Gawd, I don't know how to say this to you, son.
But, what is it you're trying to say, Fletch?
Tomorrow night ain't gonna be your night, Len.
How?
Big Grouty wants you to take a dive in the second [round]. [Godber looks aghast, while Fletch stares solemnly at his boots] It's no good looking at me like that. 'Course you're shocked, I know you'll be shocked. I'm ashamed.
[Still aghast] I can't do that, Fletch.
I know, I know that, I know that. I respect you for that. But you gotta try and see the position that I'm in, see?
Well, I appreciate that, Fletch, but I just can't do it!
[pleading] But why not? I mean, what does it mean? It's meaningless. Just inter-wing fightin'! What is it, it's meaningless!
[shouting] I know that!
[taking his arm] Well then why can't you do it? For me?
I've already promised Billy Moffet I'd go down in the first. [Moffet is Grouty's rival]
[The prisoners are singing the carol Good King Wenceslas:
Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even. Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel...
[Entering] SILENCE!
[continuing maliciously] ... When a Scotsman came in sight, hollerin' -
That'll do, Fletcher.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Porridge pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
