Fletch quotes from Porridge

[explaining to Godber about the early lights-out] If you wanna watch Z Cars, forget it. You'll have to get your kicks from the Wombles of bleedin' Wimbledon.

You eat like pigs an' all!

[to Godber] We could go out, you know... yeah, I could phone up a couple of them dolly birds that dance on Top of the Pops. What are they called? Pan's People. There's one special one - beautiful Babs. Dunno what her name is.

[annoyed] Mr. Wainwright! Now look what you've done!

We'll have to do it all again now, won't we? [Wainwright nods with a smirk on his face]

[to Rawley, the judge who sentenced him] If I'd known you was crooked I could have slipped you a few bob!

[draws a Chance card] Would you Adam and Eve it? "Go to jail".

Any questions?

Any point?

None whatsoever.

Next of kin?

My beloved Isabel, the little woman. Not that she's so little, mind you. I said to her one day, I said "Isabel, I shall never get over you. I'll have to get up and go around".

Oh, by the way - when you have your medical, tell him you've got bad feet.

Godber

Why?

'cos then you might get your brothel-creepers back. Otherwise you'll be given prison boots - and they're guaranteed to give you bad feet for the rest of your life! [Heslop starts laughing] Why are you laughing? That's absolutely true, that!

No, I don't mean that! I mean, that's funny about your wife being a big woman and you have to get up and go around! [roars with laugher]

Suffer from any illness?

Bad feet.

[annoyed] Suffer from any illness?

[insistently] Bad feet!

Paid a recent visit to a doctor or hospital?

Only with my bad feet.

Are you now or have you at any time been a practicing homosexual?

What, with these feet? Who'd have me?

[stamps his form] Right, you're A-1.

A-1! 'ang on, 'ang on, I can hardly walk here, doctor! [pretends to limp over to scales]

Now I want you to fill one of those containers for me.

What, from 'ere?

Godber

I'm only in here due to tragic circumstances.

Which were?

Godber

I got caught.

What have you got there, Fletcher?

[sotto voce] Crown jewels. [out loud] Chicken feed!

Empty it.

It'll make a terrible mess, Mr Mackay!

Empty it!

All right Fletcher, just don't let me catch you thieving!

I won't, Mr Mackay.

You won't what?

I won't let you catch me, Mr Mackay!

That's what you've got to tell yourself, you're just having a quiet night in.

Godber

Trouble is, I've got six hundred and ninety-eight quiet nights in to go.

[Fletch has just sat on Godber's needle] What's going on 'ere, then? [indicates Fletch] Did you assault this man, Godber?

Godber

No, he sat on me darning needle.

That true, Fletcher?

Naff off, can't you see I'm in agony?

Why don't you get a move on? [Walks out of the cell]

Why don't you go home an' see who's been sleeping with your old lady while you were night duty.

[sarcastically] Ha, ha, ha. Oh that is original, Fletcher. I've been havin' that for the last seven years. [wanders off]

So's she an' all.