Porridge · Season 1
[voice-over during the opening credits of every episode]
Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner. We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences: you will go to prison for five years.
12 o'clock, midday bang-up... [Godber looks surprised] Not what you think, laddie! Not what you think!
Any questions?
Any point?
None whatsoever.
Next of kin?
My beloved Isabel, the little woman. Not that she's so little, mind you. I said to her one day, I said "Isabel, I shall never get over you. I'll have to get up and go around".
Oh, by the way - when you have your medical, tell him you've got bad feet.
Why?
'cos then you might get your brothel-creepers back. Otherwise you'll be given prison boots - and they're guaranteed to give you bad feet for the rest of your life! [Heslop starts laughing] Why are you laughing? That's absolutely true, that!
No, I don't mean that! I mean, that's funny about your wife being a big woman and you have to get up and go around! [roars with laugher]
Suffer from any illness?
Bad feet.
[annoyed] Suffer from any illness?
[insistently] Bad feet!
Paid a recent visit to a doctor or hospital?
Only with my bad feet.
Are you now or have you at any time been a practicing homosexual?
What, with these feet? Who'd have me?
[stamps his form] Right, you're A-1.
A-1! 'ang on, 'ang on, I can hardly walk here, doctor! [pretends to limp over to scales]
Now I want you to fill one of those containers for me.
What, from 'ere?
I'm only in here due to tragic circumstances.
Which were?
I got caught.
[after Fletch implies that he is illiterate] I read a book once! Green, it was.
[explaining to Godber about the early lights-out] If you wanna watch Z Cars, forget it. You'll have to get your kicks from the Wombles of bleedin' Wimbledon.
[Fletcher is on the farm, feeding the pigs]
You eat like pigs an' all!
What have you got there, Fletcher?
[sotto voce] Crown jewels. [out loud] Chicken feed!
Empty it.
It'll make a terrible mess, Mr Mackay!
Empty it!
[Fletch empties the bag, which contains nothing but chicken feed]
All right Fletcher, just don't let me catch you thieving!
I won't, Mr Mackay.
You won't what?
I won't let you catch me, Mr Mackay!
[to Godber] We could go out, you know... yeah, I could phone up a couple of them dolly birds that dance on Top of the Pops. What are they called? Pan's People. There's one special one - beautiful Babs. Dunno what her name is.
That's what you've got to tell yourself, you're just having a quiet night in.
Trouble is, I've got six hundred and ninety-eight quiet nights in to go.
[Fletch has just sat on Godber's needle] What's going on 'ere, then? [indicates Fletch] Did you assault this man, Godber?
No, he sat on me darning needle.
That true, Fletcher?
Naff off, can't you see I'm in agony?
Why don't you get a move on? [Walks out of the cell]
Why don't you go home an' see who's been sleeping with your old lady while you were night duty.
[Officer returns to the cell, looking bemused]
[sarcastically] Ha, ha, ha. Oh that is original, Fletcher. I've been havin' that for the last seven years. [wanders off]
So's she an' all.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Porridge pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
