Mackay quotes from Porridge

12 o'clock, midday bang-up... [Godber looks surprised] Not what you think, laddie! Not what you think!

Any questions?

Any point?

None whatsoever.

What have you got there, Fletcher?

[sotto voce] Crown jewels. [out loud] Chicken feed!

Empty it.

It'll make a terrible mess, Mr Mackay!

Empty it!

All right Fletcher, just don't let me catch you thieving!

I won't, Mr Mackay.

You won't what?

I won't let you catch me, Mr Mackay!

'Ol love-lorn Lenny here wants to know whether the BBC ever play prisoner requests.

No. Oh no. The answer to that is no. On the grounds that it could cause embarrassment."

Godber

Embarrassment?

To the prisoner's families. The families might've excused his absence by telling the neighbours that the felon in question was abroad, or working on a North Sea oil rig.

Godber

Oh. I see.

No doubt your wife, Fletcher, has told your friends that you are on a five-year safari. [chuckles at his own joke]

No. She just tells them I'm doing missionary work in Scotland.

Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even. Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel...

[Entering] SILENCE!

[continuing maliciously] ... When a Scotsman came in sight, hollerin' -

That'll do, Fletcher.

There is one question I'd like to ask... [crosses to door and checks nobody is outside] What became of the soil that was excavated from the tunnel?

Ah now, wait a minute, I don't know what you're imagining about our relationship, but do not presume you've got a new informer in your back pocket. Everything's just the same, it's still them and us, I'm still on the side of us.

Perfectly harmless question, Fletcher, for future reference. I just want to know they disposed of the soil.

[insistently] I can't help ya!

Scotland's finest.

[checking the bottle] With a couple of nips out of it, I see.

Well, still a rare treat.

Bribes, is it?

Christmas present.

Come along Fletcher. Just between you and me.

Is that door closed?

[grinning triumphantly] Oh yes. And there's no-one outside.

Christmas present?

Christmas present.

You wanna know how they disposed of the soil?

Simple as that.

I'll tell ya.

I thought you might.

[pouring himself some whisky and leaning in close] They dug another tunnel and put the earth down there.