Lennie Godber quotes from Porridge

Oh, by the way - when you have your medical, tell him you've got bad feet.

Godber

Why?

'cos then you might get your brothel-creepers back. Otherwise you'll be given prison boots - and they're guaranteed to give you bad feet for the rest of your life! [Heslop starts laughing] Why are you laughing? That's absolutely true, that!

No, I don't mean that! I mean, that's funny about your wife being a big woman and you have to get up and go around! [roars with laugher]

Godber

I'm only in here due to tragic circumstances.

Which were?

Godber

I got caught.

That's what you've got to tell yourself, you're just having a quiet night in.

Godber

Trouble is, I've got six hundred and ninety-eight quiet nights in to go.

[Fletch has just sat on Godber's needle] What's going on 'ere, then? [indicates Fletch] Did you assault this man, Godber?

Godber

No, he sat on me darning needle.

That true, Fletcher?

Naff off, can't you see I'm in agony?

Why don't you get a move on? [Walks out of the cell]

Why don't you go home an' see who's been sleeping with your old lady while you were night duty.

[sarcastically] Ha, ha, ha. Oh that is original, Fletcher. I've been havin' that for the last seven years. [wanders off]

So's she an' all.

They think we're all pilferers, don't they, eh? Think we're all thieving all the time, don't they? We're under continual harassment, suspicion, poking through our belongings without any justifications whatsoever. I think if you'll excuse me, I'll go for a shower. [goes to grab his towel]

Godber

No!

What? What?

Godber

Oh, well, you've no need to Fletch. You're so clean!

What's got into you, Godber? Eh? Eh!? [to Mr. MacKay] You lot are warping this lad's mind, you know that, don't you? [picks up the towel and leaves the cell, inadvertently revealing the tin to Mr. MacKay.]

FLETCHER! Come here, a minute. What is that?

What's what? [spots the tin] Bloody hell!

Come with me, Fletcher!

Listen—

No, you won't need your towel!

Listen, that is a plant!

No it's not! It's a tin of pineapples!

'Ol love-lorn Lenny here wants to know whether the BBC ever play prisoner requests.

No. Oh no. The answer to that is no. On the grounds that it could cause embarrassment."

Godber

Embarrassment?

To the prisoner's families. The families might've excused his absence by telling the neighbours that the felon in question was abroad, or working on a North Sea oil rig.

Godber

Oh. I see.

No doubt your wife, Fletcher, has told your friends that you are on a five-year safari. [chuckles at his own joke]

No. She just tells them I'm doing missionary work in Scotland.

With you, it's different. I mean, you're young, you're 'ealthy, you've go an honest face.

Godber

Is that enough?

Yeah, I think so, yeah. Character, that's what I can read there. That's what you've got, son. Character. [pats him on the shoulder] You're a good lad.

Godber

So you think, Fletch, that if somebody cared for me. Like, a girl, like, she'd... uh... forgive me past misdemeanours?

Yeah. If she's any sort of human being, yes she would, yeah. Any human being would. [places his hand on his shoulder] You see, you've got to learn to believe in yourself, ain't ya, eh? 'Cause I believe in ya.

Godber

Do ya?

Of course I do, yeah.

Godber

[handing him an envelope] Oh, well, I'll post this, then. Could you get your mucker, Barrowclough to post it in the village for me quite, like?

[Reading envelope] Who is it? BBC?

Godber

Yeah. It's on plain notepaper, so they won't know it's from a prisoner.

"'Ello Young Lovers Corner?" Is all this soul searching just for the benefit of that slag Denise?

Godber

No! Not 'er.

Who, then?

Godber

[tentative] Ingrid.

[obviously shocked and infuriated, smiles falsely] My Ingrid?

Godber

[poetically] Our eyes met across the crowded room.

My daughter Ingrid?

Godber

[continuing] And though we didn't know each other, we both knew -

[interrupting him in fury] You think I'd let my daughter Ingrid hang out with the likes of you!? [Grabs him by the shirt and raising his fist] A JUVENILE DELINQUENT FROM THE BACKSTREETS OF BIRMINGHAM!!!

Godber

Fletch! Fletch! Fletch! Be careful!

WHY!?

Godber

You've crushed your ping-pong ball.

I think some of you wrongly assumed that I had left you for good. But, as you see, nothing could be further from the truth. Only... I am somewhat disturbed to hear what has been happening in my absence. So now... We're going to have a new regime here, based not on lenience and laxity but on discipline, hard work and blind, unquestioning obedience. Feet will not touch the floor. Lives will be made a misery. [At the door] I am back, and I am in charge here.

[singing] For 'e's a jolly good fellow, for 'e's a jolly good fellow, for 'e's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us.

[joining in] And so say all of us, and so say all of us. [Mackay smiles proudly and continues to march to the exit] For 'e's a jolly good fellow, for 'e's a jolly good fellow, for 'e's a jolly good fellow... And so say all of us!

[Slowly] I've got to ask you... Well, I've got to tell you, what someone has asked me... Well, told me... Well, that they was wondering you see... Well, they was insisting if you could see your way clear... Not that you've got much choice... Oh Gawd, I don't know how to say this to you, son.

Godber

But, what is it you're trying to say, Fletch?

Tomorrow night ain't gonna be your night, Len.

Godber

How?

Big Grouty wants you to take a dive in the second [round]. [Godber looks aghast, while Fletch stares solemnly at his boots] It's no good looking at me like that. 'Course you're shocked, I know you'll be shocked. I'm ashamed.

Godber

[Still aghast] I can't do that, Fletch.

I know, I know that, I know that. I respect you for that. But you gotta try and see the position that I'm in, see?

Godber

Well, I appreciate that, Fletch, but I just can't do it!

[pleading] But why not? I mean, what does it mean? It's meaningless. Just inter-wing fightin'! What is it, it's meaningless!

Godber

[shouting] I know that!

[taking his arm] Well then why can't you do it? For me?

Godber

I've already promised Billy Moffet I'd go down in the first. [Moffet is Grouty's rival]