F
Tied for 3rd most-quoted character in Porridge: in 6 of its 36 quotes
Most scenes with: Lennie Godber (2)
Scenes with Fletcher 6
PPrison officer
[Fletch has just sat on Godber's needle] What's going on 'ere, then? [indicates Fletch] Did you assault this man, Godber?
No, he sat on me darning needle.
OOfficer
That true, Fletcher?
Naff off, can't you see I'm in agony?
OOfficer
Why don't you get a move on? [Walks out of the cell]
Why don't you go home an' see who's been sleeping with your old lady while you were night duty.
[Officer returns to the cell, looking bemused]
OOfficer
[sarcastically] Ha, ha, ha. Oh that is original, Fletcher. I've been havin' that for the last seven years. [wanders off]
FFletcher
So's she an' all.
FFletcher
I've got something very serious to say. I don't know quite how to put this, gentlemen, but there is a thief among us.
WWarren
There's nigh on 600 people in this prison, and I should think two-thirds of them are in for stealing something.
FFletcher
Oh yeah, that's stealing on the outside, innit, Warren, eh? That's stealing against civilians. That's just a way of life. It's a living, innit? That's ordinary skulduggery, that is. The crime I'm talking about has been perpetrated within these walls. Which is despicable! I mean it's beneath the dignity of any moral, law abiding criminal.
BBanyard
Unlike the rest of you, I'm not a common criminal.
FFletcher
Oh? I dunno if it's escaped your notice, but you are doing porridge, ain't you? And have been for 18 months now.
BBanyard
Yes, you know what I mean, but I'm a professional man, a dentist. Consequently—
FFletcher
Now, just a minute. Let's just set the record straight, shall we? You was a dentist, right? It's been some time now since they struck you off their little list, innit, eh? After that regrettable incident with the laughing gas. I mean in your own mind you may not consider yourself a criminal, but to the ladies in question it was no laughing matter, was it?
[Fletcher has gathered everyone into his cell to get to the bottom of who stole his tin of pineapple chunks.]
MMcLaren
Kangaroo court, eh? Heard about it.
FFletcher
Oh, McLaren, hello! Make room for McLaren, come on, shift up there, Lukewarm.
MMcLaren
No reason to exclude me, you know, Fletch. We're all in this together. The finger of suspicion points at everyone.
MMcLaren
I'd just like to mention, of course, if anybody points it at me, I'll clobber them!
FFletcher
Oh yeah. Well, that's nice. Very good of you to be so reasonable.
[Godber has hidden a newly stolen tin of pineapple chunks under a towel on Fletcher's bed.]
FFletcher
They think we're all pilferers, don't they, eh? Think we're all thieving all the time, don't they? We're under continual harassment, suspicion, poking through our belongings without any justifications whatsoever. I think if you'll excuse me, I'll go for a shower. [goes to grab his towel]
Oh, well, you've no need to Fletch. You're so clean!
FFletcher
What's got into you, Godber? Eh? Eh!? [to Mr. MacKay] You lot are warping this lad's mind, you know that, don't you? [picks up the towel and leaves the cell, inadvertently revealing the tin to Mr. MacKay.]
MMr. MacKay
FLETCHER! Come here, a minute. What is that?
FFletcher
What's what? [spots the tin] Bloody hell!
MMr. MacKay
Come with me, Fletcher!
MMr. MacKay
No, you won't need your towel!
FFletcher
Listen, that is a plant!
MMr. MacKay
No it's not! It's a tin of pineapples!
[The prisoners are singing the carol Good King Wenceslas:
PPrisoners
Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even. Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel...
FFletcher
[continuing maliciously] ... When a Scotsman came in sight, hollerin' -
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Porridge pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
Porridge · 36 quotes