You don't just declare war, Jeremy. You prime the press, you square things with the UN, you make up your reasons.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Mark, we're out with a man who has guns! You're chucking his daughter and I've shagged his wife. Tonight is going, if a bit weird, extremely fucking well for us.
JJez
Well... I did see him throw a petrol bomb, but I thought it might just have been a joke.
This zip... there's no pocket to this zip!
So?
(So that's the way it is? Let's just put a zip here, a swastika there. Who knows what these things once stood for? Who the hell even cares?)
JJez
[To Sophie's father] He can't hear... Can you, you big fox-hunting, badger baiting, tweed-shirt bumfuck homophobe?
[to Jez, smiling smuttily]
PPenny
Get yourself a nice tank of petrol. Come back soon.
JJez
(Yeah, right, so your husband can kill me and your son can worship my stuffed corpse and you can wheel me out for a fuck. No thank you.)
Please, no. Please tell me no.
JJez
What?
That. The smutty smile. Jeremy, please tell me that nothing's going on there.
JJez
Nothing is going on there.
Let's just say nothing's going on there.
JJez
Yeah. [Pause] Actually I did want to tell someone, I mean it was so cool, she had all this jam -
Oh my God, you didn't?! You fucked her! Jeremy, you need chemical castration, you're out of control! That's Sophie's mother!
JJez
She's hot.
She's not out of Hollyoaks, Jeremy, she probably had a ration book! Oh you're a piece of work aren't you? I'm down the pub putting the hours in with the dad, and you're back at the house banging the mum! That is not a good impression!
JJez
I dunno, I think I made a pretty good impression.
Jeremy, please, don't smile like that. You're not James Bond, you're disgusting.
JJez
(I am James Bond.)
[Mark has just twisted a bird's head off whilst hunting]
Teas, coffees for the huntsmen.
JJez
No teas for the beastmaster, thanks. He feasts on the blood of his prey.
[to Mark and her father] Hey, nice to see you two getting on. What are you two talking about?
Oh, just...metal. (And the fact that I don't really love you)
Bye. Love you!
I love you, too. (It's okay, everyone says it. I say I love Häagen-Dazs and my broadband provider, and I like Sophie more than them. In most respects.)
Hi, Alan, you wanted to talk about... oh!
Don't be alarmed, Mark, it's just Tai Chi. Take a seat and I'll just power through. Should take 45 minutes, I'm done in ten. Stick that up your dojo.
Great.
Tonight should be a free-fire idea zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I'm serious. Fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What? You think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?
(Oh he is good. Taboo busting, semi-incomprehensible pep-talk.)
In business, Jeremy, you learn that every man has his price, and I judge yours to be... £530.
Sounds like you want to pimp me out.
JJez
Pimp me out. Pimp my ride. There's a new climate.
...and I was quite shocked when you called Kathy a knucklehead, Mark.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did. You said she was a knucklehead and she should knuckle down or you'd knuckle her fat head. Then you stamped on Gerrard's foot.
That was an accident.
No it wasn't.
But it could have been. I was careful to make sure that it could have been.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Peep Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.