Peep Show Season 1 quotes

Mark

Sit down. Clear your tubes. 'Cause you and me are gonna chow down on the biggest hairy motherfucking business shit-storm since Enron.

Mark

Oh right, so, now she's finished with you, suddenly you're in love with her again?

Exactly. Duh! That's how love works Mark.

Big Suze

Jeremy?! What the hell are you doing here?

Me? Oh. Nothing. I was just passing through... Kettering... And I thought, hey I know someone who's gone to Kettering for the weekend.

Look, Suze. Being black isn't about the colour of your skin. It's about vibe, hanging out, kicking back, smoking a number. Fighting prejudice and negative stereotypes wherever you find them! Yeah? I'm down with all that! Is Johnson? I mean, what's Johnson done for black people lately?!

Big Suze

You mean... apart from his mentoring and community work?

...Yeah, apart from that!

Big Suze

Jeremy, you tried to sell my body to another man for private gain. I don't want to talk to you. Goodbye.

Jeremy

I did not try to sell her body. I tried to rent out her sexual organs [beat] on a one-use basis.

You should try and sum up all your aims in the first line.

Mark

Right, look, this is a very complex business proposal so I really don't think you could sum up all the aims in one line.

If you can't sum up all the aims in the first line then they're too diffuse.

Mark

Look, my aims are not too fucking diffuse, okay?!

Fine! Jesus! They just might be too diffuse. That was all I was saying...

Mark

(Great... Now I'm getting an angry lap dance... Brilliant...)

Sophie

And have I lived enough? I mean, I've only slept with four men. Is that enough?

Four?... Oh... Yeah. (Jesus. I've had sex with more men than that, and I basically only sleep with women.)

Mark

You know what this piece of paper says, Jeremy?

Is it something to do with history? Have they stopped history books?

Mark

This piece of paper says that I am fucked.

Oh. That's horrible, who sent you that?

Mark

It's my plan for Project Zeus

Let's have a look.

Mark

That's what I've got to go through that door and pitch to the entire JLB board in 10 minutes.

Shit.

Mark

I'm about to walk into a boardroom gangbang and get fucked by the biggest swinging dicks in corporate strategy.

Maybe you should run away.

Mark

Right, thanks Jez.

Well, I mean, people say it like it's a bad thing, you know, running away from your problems. But if your problems never catch up with you, what's the hitch?

Mark

Right, well, in this case there would be repercussions.

What do you care? You'd be in the woods, playing the ukulele with the rabbits and the squirrels!

Mark

I suppose I could... run away.

Do it, man!! (I think that was good advice... I mean, I didn't actually expect him to do it... Maybe I wouldn't have said it if I thought there was any chance of him actually doing it... But... yep, there he goes.)

Mark

(God, I'm running away! This is brilliant! Maybe I'll go to KFC and have a whole bargain bucket! Or I could join al-Qaeda! Maybe I'll marry my lap dancer! I do think in a weird way we had a connection... fuck the Blockbuster's fine, I'm going clear!)

Jeremy

(Hiding out in a car park. He's not exactly Grizzly Adams, but it's a start.)

Mark

(Right, here I go. Palms dry. Mouth dry. Inter-buttock area moist.) So. [clears throat] Integrating sales and marketing, Project Zeus. The bad news is... it doesn't work. But, look, big picture... so what? Maybe we shouldn't be in the credit business at all, m-maybe we should look at, uh, human rights or, or global warming, I mean these are just ideas, but... w-where's the humanity? I suppose that's what I want to ask you today, if anything... where is the humanity? [puts a hand on Johnson's shoulder] Old friend. (Shit. I'm crashing and burning. That stupid bloody hippie sold me down the river! Plan B. ...what is plan B?) Right, o-o-okay, you - you can stop the murmuring. Please, s-stop murmuring. Un-unless you think it's nice to murmur a-at someone who's... dying!? (Did I just say that? I did just say that.) Yep, th-th-that's right, I've got brain cancer; half my brain's been eaten away al-already, probably, but I think I did a pretty decent job for a man with a brain tumour the size of a pineapple who - who's going to be dead within a month! (Uh, plan C. Is there a plan C?!) Ah! Ah, my brain, my poor diseased brain! [falls into a chair, blinking awkwardly]

[stands] Yep... I'd just like to assure everyone that Mr. Corrigan will indeed be dead in a month.

Mark

I'm marrying her, what more does she want?

Mark, are you having some sort of mental breakdown?

Mark

I'm just joining the gym. Get some exercise, and some time... not away from Sophie, just... without her.

.....

Mark

You should join too. You get a free pen!

Matt

Can you take some more? Can you? Do you want it? Do you want it?

Mark

NO!

Matt

What?

Mark

No, I don't want it, alright? Fuck off! You've made it too hard, I can hardly fucking pedal! No mountain is this hard, it's just not realistic!

[after joining Nancy in the sauna] (Could use my sauna line.) Phwoor. Cor, it's like a sauna in here! [Nancy laughs] (Classic line. That is just a great line. Gotta manoeuvre more dates into saunas.)

[after being trapped in the flotation tank] I've got to get out. It was so dark! So dark!

Still, there are worse places to get trapped, right? I mean, you must be bloody relaxed by now!