Only Fools and Horses · Season 1
[The chandelier has just fallen down and smashed. Grandad walks downstairs]
Alright, Del Boy.
Alright? Look at it!
Did you drop it, Del?
How could we drop it?! We wasn't even holding it! We was working on that one.
Well I wish you'd said something, 'cos I was working on this one. Is it very valuable Del?
(smiling) Nah, not really. (angry) It was bleeding priceless when it was hanging up there though!
I have become dismayed, even shocked by the attitude of youth - but today you walked into this church and offered us this tree simply because you care. You have rekindled my faith in the human race. It's not nicked is it?
(commenting on the chicken he's been eating at the Nag's Head) Tough? Tough? It's the toughest chicken I've ever known. It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice!
(after listening to Old Shep) Did you have an old dog?
I've had many old dogs in my time!
There are 2,000 stories in the Naked City and this plonker is looking for a basket on wheels.
[Rodney is looking for crimes to report at the tenants' meeting.]
Well, why don't you tell them what happened to poor Rita Alldridge then?
Yes! Good idea! What happened to Rita Alldridge then?
Last Friday night she was indecently assaulted over by the adventure playground.
No! Did she report it?
Yeah, I saw her this morning, she'd just been down the police station.
Right. There you are, you see; that's exactly the sort of thing... Hang on a minute, if this happened on Friday night, how come it's taken her 'til Wednesday to report it?
Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke's cheque bounced.
She's very intelligent actually. We got on really well.
Yeah, they do say opposites attract, don't they?
[Dr. Becker has examined Grandad.]
Don't worry, he's got legs like Nijinsky.
(puzzled) Nijinsky is a racehorse.
No, Del, he means Nijinsky the Russian ballet dancer.
No I don't!
(bedbound) Del Boy, I'd like to be cremated.
Well you'll have to wait till the morning, 'cos they'll be closed now!
(Following a police chase, Del angrily returns home. He slams the flat door and throws a suitcase across the room.)
Had a good day, Del?
(Del throws his cap on the floor in anger)
Oh, good day?! Good day?! Oh, the best Grandad! The very bloody best! I've been chased by a gendarme, attacked by Pussycat Willum, almost caught rabies and it's all this dipstick's fault!
[entering the flat] Oh, he don't half exaggerate.
Exaggerate?! You should have been with me in that alley, Rodney! It was like Call of the Wild! Why didn't you warn me that copper was coming?!
Because I didn't see him!
You didn't see him?! What do you want me to get you, radar or something?!
I am 24 years old, I have two GSEs, thirteen years of schooling and three terms at an adult education centre behind me, right? And with all that, what have I become? I am a lookout.
No, Rodney, you're wrong. You're not just a lookout, you're a bad lookout!
[After Rodney announces he's starting a business with Mickey Pearce]
You wanna watch that young Pearcey, he's a bit too fly for my liking. He'd rob his own grandmother, he would!
Oh don't be stupid, Grandad! [under his breath] That was never proved.
What are these things?
Those? They are lawnmower engines.
Lawnmower engines?
Listen, they're not ordinary lawnmower engines.
(interested) No?
No, they're broken lawnmower engines.
Well, I've gotta admire yer bottle Rodders - I must admit. You've been in the business five minutes and already you've opened up a Spanish branch. You've cornered the World market on broken lawnmower engines - what's your partner doing now, is he buying second-hand pedalos?
No, no, no, nothing like that, no, we're - we're going into the self-catering holiday trade.
Cor, what on 200 nicker?
Yeah well, we're starting in a small way.
What you got, a Wendy House?
Boycie would scalp you if dandruff had a going rate.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Only Fools and Horses pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
