FOFather O'Keith
Have you ever been to this church before?
Of course I have... when my mum and dad got married.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Del, Rodney, and Albert are paying for their grocery shopping]
CGCheckout Girl
(surly) £29.48.
Sorry?
CGCheckout Girl
(even surlier, with a look of contempt) £29.48.
Did you sue them?
CGCheckout Girl
Who?
The Charm School!
LGLennox Gilbey
You ever heard of the Scarlett Pimpernel?
That weren't you, was it?
LGLennox Gilbey
No, but I'm like him. They seek him here, they see him there. Those policemen seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven or is he in hell? That damn illusive Sha-a-dow.
(to Lennox) An hour ago, you were the man of mystery. Now we know your name, your address and your mum's shoe size.
[Rodney starts creeping up to the desk, looking like he's going to steal the gun from Lennox.]
Rodney, what do you think you're playing at?
Come back and sit down, son!
PMr. Peterson (store manager)
What are you doing? There's only half an hour to go!
[Rodney goes to the desk and picks up the cigarettes instead of the gun and looks very pleased with himself.]
You plonker!
(to Mr. Peterson) So is it Young Lennox, or Old Bill?
[After Del lies to Lisa that he used to be a Royal Marine Commando, and had a bad landing from a faulty parachute.]
LLisa
I always thought Marines were, you know, taller.
He used to be much taller, but like he said, he had a bad landing.
[Del proves to know little about hang-gliding.]
AAndy
We've got some great thermals today.
Thermals? Oh, what a shame! I'm just wearing my ordinary y-fronts.
[Del returns from hospital in a wheelchair after his hang-gliding trip.]
This is my punishment, isn't it? Spending the rest of my life in this wheelchair.
Still, it could have been worse.
How?
My gran had one with a squeaky wheel.
[After Del accidentally reveals that he was pretending to be paralyzed to make Rodney feel guilty.]
Rodney, I was up there for three hours, Three bloody hours! I did a loop-the-loop over Dymchurch. Little kids were pointing, "There goes a spaceman, a spaceman!" Finally, when I had just given up hope, I cluttered into an aerial thing, and fell 50 foot to the ground. It was only by the grace of God, that I landed on something soft!
Yeah, I can see the bruising on your head.
No, it was not my head, I landed on a very unfortunate and very unsuspecting courting couple!
You're kidding!
I wish I was! Due to your vicious mind and general "wally-ness", they've had to put their wedding back by six months! And I've had to pay for a new sun-roof in their Sierra! And that's regardless of what Radio Rentals are gonna do me for the aerial!
It got nothing to do with me, Del! It's was a Micky Pearce production!
Micky Pearce! You wait till I get a hold of him, I'm gonna stuff that camera half a mile up his nostril!
You think I'm bald? Well I'm not!
Well that's one hell of a parting you've got there son!
A typical Brit! The only thing that works is his mouth.
Australia is an awfully long way off, isn't it?
They'll love you over there. They've got no class!
Australia! Where the men are men.
So are the women...
What's that supposed to mean?
Albert Last time I was over there, the only way you could tell the sexes, was the men spit further.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Only Fools and Horses pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.