[looking at a road map] Ah yes, here we are. Hell on Earth. I though for a minute we had taken a wrong turning.
S3The Beast in the Cage (4)
[In traffic jam.] Yes I've always said that for a really super Bank Holiday treat you've got to go a long way to beat four and a half hours staring up a horse's BOTTOM! [Camera reveals horsebox in front.]
[In traffic jam. Mobile phone rings:] Hello? What? No we CAN'T bloody well move any further forward. I couldn't give a bugger if you are. 5 yards my foot it's 4 at the most and where's that going to get you anyway? Well you can bloody well LUMP IT THEN CAN'T YOU!? (Horn honks) And you.
(Tuts) Typical! See this? Story about a bloke who was shot by gangland villains in the East End. Says, "They dumped the body, riddled with bullet holes, in the boot of his brother's car and though interestingly, this was something the local garage failed to spot when they went over it for the MOT.
S3Beware the Trickster on the Roof (5)
[shouting from an open window, wielding a metal coat hanger] You callous coldhearted thieving bastards! Help you with a couple of points?! I'll help you straight onto this point when I see you! I'll bloody well tear your liver out and feed it to the cat, you see if I don't!
We can't leave it here (A cow with a back leg slightly damaged)
No, I'll just slip in the freezer with the beef burgers.
S3The Worst Horror of All (6)
MMan
Sloppiness and bad manners just won't do. Do you understand what I'm saying?
[with poorly concealed menace] Yes. Right. I do understand what you're saying, and I'm very sorry.
MMan
[contemptuously] I should think so.
[louder] Yes, I'm very sorry because I'm afraid I'm going to have to throw your toupee down the drain! (does so)
I'm sorry neither of you have managed to master the mechanics of a door handle. That must be very complicated for you with your limited brain power. [to the woman] Oh, and do forgive me for not getting the fur coat out. Because if you hadn't chopped its legs off, it could have climbed out on its own. [to the man] You asked me if I wanted to go on working here. Well if it means sucking up to odious bastards like you two every day, then I think I'd rather remain unemployed, thank you very much!
[says at the end just before he opens the kitchen door to discover Ronnie & Mildred there] At least we’ve escaped from the worst horror of all.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's One Foot In The Grave pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.