Night Court · Season 1
He saved Christine?
It's true. If Dan hadn't been carrying this card, she wouldn't be with us today.
[reads card] "Wanda's Whip Emporium"?
The other side.
Oh. [reads] "Step 1, give a swift blow to the victim's back to clear air passage. Step 2, clear the mouth of any foreign objects."
"Step 3, loosen constrictive clothing."
[Christine looks beneath the trench coat she's wearing, and shrieks. Dan pulls her undergarments out of his pocket.]
Better to be safe than sorry.
You know, this could be the greatest night of my life...
Mmm.
[storms into the room] Okay, I want this over with before I vomit!
[She disappears into the bathroom.]
[leaving] Let the good times roll.
[runs to the bench] Your Honor, circumstances of an very extremely urgent personal nature have arisen and regrettably force me to ask for a recess.
[not looking up] Sex or money, Dan?
[feigning offense] Oh, I'm hurt! Oh, I'm offended! I mean, that you would jump to such an assumption. Has it ever occurred to you I could be in the midst of a dire personal tragedy? [Harry gives him a look] Sex.
[after Bull has an emergency]
Well, in view of these circumstances, I guess it would really be proper for us to call...
Yes?
A short...
Yes.
Recess.
YES!
Now, believe it or not, I really understand how you feel?
No, you don't.
Yeah, I was what you'd call a lonely kind of kid. I was never invited to the cool parties. Nobody asked me to join the popular clubs.
Well, I'm one up on you there. I was asked to join the most popular club in high school.
Really?
Yeah. Eight of us were selected to go through the initiation. And all we had to do to join was... shave our heads before we showed up for the junior prom. So I did. And when I walked into the gym to meet my date...
You were the only one who'd shaved his head.
I was only 16, Harry. Unsure of myself. Worried like most adolescents about the way I looked anyway. And there I stood. Humiliated. In front of what was for me, at the time, the whole world. I wanted to kill myself. And then I wanted to kill them.
Just like Bully the Dragon.
Yeah, only I didn't live happily ever after.
This is an introductory poem for the new book I wrote.
Some monsters roar and shake the ground with fury as they tread.
But I never actually met a beast who truly wished me dead.
Oh, sure, their ugly faces and steely eyes can scare.
But they never seem to be more mean than the ferocious teddy bear.
So I guess it's true, like the covers of the books of this story, it's only a part.
That the monster's face never gives you a clue to the love that's in his heart.
Well, I'd say the real Bull Shannon just showed up.
Thanks.
What're you gonna call your book?
The Snake Pit of Chucky's Mind.
I'm quite all right, I don't need this ridiculous operation!
What are you going to say when your ulcer perforates and you start hemorrhaging?
[Dan lies back in bed and gurgles sarcastically.]
[rolling a gurney in] I'm here to take Dan Fielding to the morgue.
[Everyone tells him there must be some mistake.]
He's just here for a minor operation.
[smiles] I'll check back later.
Yeah, over my dead body.
It's a date!
Yes, and please give my regards to the lovely Mrs. Dracula.
Your Honor, would you please this man I'm not a pervert?
[starts to speak, but turns back] How are we defining pervert?
Sir!
Look, folks. Pervert, prude! It's not my job to label people. Wait a minute... [pulls out toe-tag] I guess it is! [laughs]
I don't have a life, Harry. I have a lifestyle. Do you know how many women I have slept with?
It doesn't matter how many women you've slept with! [pause] More than a hundred?
You know the slogan under the Golden Arches? "Over four billion served"? Let's just say I'm competitive. And out of all of them, not one of them ever said, "I love you."
[the defendants are an elderly couple who have been disturbing the police by having sex in their own apartment, very often, and very loudly]
I don't mean to pry, Mr. MacNulty, but why are you so loud during these romantic interludes?
[cupping a hand to his ear] What?
...And when the police arrived, Mr. MacNulty attacked the arresting officers.
He was merely protecting his wife!
Burn this image in your mind, sir: this man, standing stark naked, swinging a baseball bat.
My Louisville slugger.
[tilting his head] What?
SHE SAID SHE LIKES YOUR BAT!
[on Dan] Is he always such a boot-licker?
Shinola is Dan's favorite flavor.
[Dan and Roz are trapped in an elevator with two sumo wrestlers]
Don't let on. I have a pack of C-H-U-C-K-L-E-S.
Chuckles?! [They corner Dan] Chuckles?!
No way, Porky! These are mine. [One wrestler speaks angry Japanese] What do you think he's saying?
I don't know, but I think it's something about singing soprano in the Vienna Boys' Choir.
So you really think you're gonna be responsible for everything that happens next year?
I'm gonna make ABC the number-one network again!
[bangs gavel] Held over for psychiatric.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Night Court pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
