Ned Bigby quotes from Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide

Ned

It's the first day of school, and it can be totally frightening. But the key to surviving it is whether you're ready... or not.

Ned

And make your excuses realistic, because no one is gonna believe that a dog ate your homework. [a dog runs by and snatches Ned's homework] A dog ate my homework!

I like you.

Ned

Please, don't!

Moze

Jock never liked me. He used me to get Amy jealous. I'm such an idiot.

Ned

No, he's the idiot. Any guy would be lucky to have you as his girlfriend.

Moze

[smiles] That's the nicest thing you ever said to me.

Cookie

When are you going to steal the golden notebook?

Ned

Not steal, borrow it without asking!

Bigby. I noticed you aren't doing well in my class.

Ned

That's not true. I haven't been doing well in any class.

Moze

Sorry. I guess I'm not used to you calling me 'Jennifer.'

Ned

That's because I've been calling you 'Moze' since the first grade, remember?

Moze

Yeah...

Ned

There were three Jennifers in class, but only one Moze. And there still is only one Moze! Wanna know what a 'Moze' is? It's a super-cool girl who happens to be my best friend.

Moze

You are such a dork sometimes! [playfully shoves Ned]

Ned

I know. Jennifer.

Moze

Call me 'Moze.' [Ned grins]

Hey, let's hit Brazil for some music, and dancing, and...

Ned

I'll meet you guys there.

Ned

Oh, come on!

Hey, Ned! I've been waiting for you...

Ned

You're going to have to wait a little longer...

Moze

(runs to the bathroom) Do not go in there!

Cookie

I'm dead. How am I going to dance with Vanessa and Lisa at the same time?

Moze

Wait for a merengue song, keep spinning, and hope for the best.

Ned

Where's Suzie?

Moze

She's with Jock.

Ned

No! She's supposed to be with me, to kiss!

Ned

(groans)

Moze

That's it! I'm calling for help!

Moze

[to Ned] Well, you're too tough.

Ned

Not anymore. From now on, it's super nice, non-bully, Ned Bigby.

Ned

If he breaks his neck, he'll be in the hospital! Not in the principal's office!

Cookie

Not one of your best plans.

Gordy

Yeah, especially considering we're on the second floor.

Ned

I just want a girl whose funny, athletic, smart, has a great smile, is a good friend, isn't afraid to take charge once in a while, likes sports and call me demanding, but I like them on the tall side.

Cookie

You just described Moze.

Ned

What? Very funning! I've known her forever, we're just friends! And I'll know my perfect girl when I see her.

Gordy

Let's go to chapter 5, Torture!

Ned

Nah, let's start from the beginning.

Moze

So, how did it go with Faymen?

Ned

Something tells me he doesn't like me. Actually, it was him.

Moze

You just have to get to know each other, find out what you guys have in common. You both read. There's something. And I like him, and it's important that my best friend likes him.

Ned

Fine.

Moze

And got a little treat for you.

Ned

75 dollars to super nail salon and day spa?

Moze

My aunt gave it to me and it expires today. We can get manicures, get our faces scrubbed.

Ned

EHHH!

Moze

Guys get manicures all the time.

Ned

Then ask Faymen.

Moze

He's got a big soccer practice tonight. Did you know he's like some big soccer prodigy in Brazil?

Ned

Then I suggest you ask a girl.

Moze

Of Course. I'll just ask...[crickets chirping] You know, I'm just gonna pick up the phone and call...[owl hooting] I'm the captain of the volleyball team. I'll just get one of my friends on the team to go.

Cookie

My Pen! My Lucky Pen's gone! GG-GG! I ACED 5 tests with that pen and now I'M GONNA FLUNK and be a flunky.

Moze

OK. Let's split up. Cooke, you stay here, look for your stupid pen! Ned, you go to study hall, make friends with Faymen.

Ned

AAH!

Moze

I'll go to practice and find a girl to go to the spa with.