Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]
Second boy: [over radio] Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away.
Servo [as Santa Claus]: They're on to me! Into the escape pod!
Second boy: [over radio] Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away.
Servo [as Santa Claus]: They're on to me! Into the escape pod!
[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]
Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
Joel [as Santa]: Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.
. . .
Girmar: Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis raquet!
Joel [as Santa]: We'll have to sell this stuff to Wham-O!
Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
Joel [as Santa]: Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.
. . .
Girmar: Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis raquet!
Joel [as Santa]: We'll have to sell this stuff to Wham-O!
[Santa winds his reindeer (which are all apparently wind up toys) and they begin to move.]
Servo: This isn't charming at all! It's creepy!
[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]
Crow: Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head.
[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]
Servo, Mike, and Crow: He, he haha, hahaha, [laughing turns into terrified screams] AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!!
[Santa is still laughing]
Mike: [scared] What's happening?!
[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a pentagram-like symbol on the wall.]
Servo: A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out.
Servo: This isn't charming at all! It's creepy!
[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]
Crow: Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head.
[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]
Servo, Mike, and Crow: He, he haha, hahaha, [laughing turns into terrified screams] AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!!
[Santa is still laughing]
Mike: [scared] What's happening?!
[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a pentagram-like symbol on the wall.]
Servo: A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out.
[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]
Mike: [cheerfully] Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization.
Mike: [cheerfully] Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization.
[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]
Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road��
Crow [as Satan]: Route 666!
Satan: ��that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.
Mike [as Satan]: ��to sleeping audience.
. . .
Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.
Servo: [singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy!
Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road��
Crow [as Satan]: Route 666!
Satan: ��that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.
Mike [as Satan]: ��to sleeping audience.
. . .
Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.
Servo: [singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy!
[Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England]
Crow: Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited".
Servo: Modern architecture--efficient and beauty-free.
[Later in the same shot]
Crow: Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co....
Crow: Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited".
Servo: Modern architecture--efficient and beauty-free.
[Later in the same shot]
Crow: Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co....
[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]
Joel [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.
Joel [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.
[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]
Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.
Joel [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about.
Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.
Joel [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about.
[Scientists Clete and Helen are testing the Gill-Man's intelligence, which for some reason involves the liberal use of a cattle prod.]
Servo: Jeez, the Mengele Institute for Marine Research!
Servo: Jeez, the Mengele Institute for Marine Research!
[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]
Hank: Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.
Artur: Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.
Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle�� beer in the jeep.
[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]
Servo [as Artur]: I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first.
Hank: Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.
Artur: Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.
Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle�� beer in the jeep.
[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]
Servo [as Artur]: I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first.
[Sea Monster rises from the water as a couple captured natives try to flee, James Bond- like music plays in background.]
Tom: James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.[N]
Tom: James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.[N]
[Sean watches Gorgo and his mother leave the blazing ruins of London and head back to the ocean]
Sean: She's going back now--back to the sea.
Servo [as Sean]: ...With the blood of many on her scales.
Sean: She's going back now--back to the sea.
Servo [as Sean]: ...With the blood of many on her scales.
[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]
Hank: �� I found something a lot more interesting!
Joel: Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!
Crow: Only mounted. [N]
Hank: �� I found something a lot more interesting!
Joel: Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!
Crow: Only mounted. [N]
[Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.]
Commissioner Magee: The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan.
Crow [as Magee]: If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there.
Commissioner Magee: We kill��
Servo: Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.
Commissioner Magee: �� and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking.
Joel: Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on!
. . .
Servo [as Magee/Elmer Fudd]: You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite.
Commissioner Magee: The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan.
Crow [as Magee]: If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there.
Commissioner Magee: We kill��
Servo: Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.
Commissioner Magee: �� and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking.
Joel: Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on!
. . .
Servo [as Magee/Elmer Fudd]: You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite.
[Several children are writing.]
Crow [as children]: Call me Ishmael... I was born in a house my father built... The minute Yossarian...
. . .
Crow: [sings] I've written a letter to Daddy...
Crow [as children]: Call me Ishmael... I was born in a house my father built... The minute Yossarian...
. . .
Crow: [sings] I've written a letter to Daddy...