Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes

1930 total quotes


Man: That's an asteroid!
Joel: That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!

Joel: Hey, Crow.
Crow: Yes, Joel Hodgson?
Joel: I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.
Crow: You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?
Joel: It was on 8-track.
[Gypsy and Crow laugh.]

[Troy Tempest pilots the Stingray into a crater in the inkiest depths of the ocean bottom.]
Crow: That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of an abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea.

[During an effects sequence.]
Servo: They must've spent tens of dollars on this.

Japanese General: Operation Rear View Mirror has failed.
Servo: Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice.

[Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.]
Dr. Hidaka: The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere.
[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]
Joel: There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village.

[Kenny searches for his turtle Tibby among the shore rocks.]
Kenny: Tibby? Tibby? Tibby?
Joel: Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him.

[At night, Kenny mopes about his lost stones that he was collecting for "Gamera's new house".]
Joel [as Catherine]: When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole box of gravel.

[While playing back phone messages left by viewers.]
Joel: All you scary guys with the low I.Q.s, don't call any more because you're scaring Gypsy.

[A supertanker has just exploded in flames.]
Servo: Oh my God, it's Gordon Lightfoot!

Helen: I think he's so wonderful, I love Gamera!
Joel: Keep your shirt on, honey.

Servo: Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat.

Crow: Looks kinda skinny. Must be a Carpenter ant. [chuckling] Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause--
Joel: [horrified] Oh no...
Crow: Never mind.
Joel: You don't mean that...
Servo: Ant-orexic.
Crow: [laughs] See? Servo got it.

Servo: You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in The Flintstones.
Crow: I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes.

[During an unpleasant closeup of the queen ant laying eggs.]
Crow: Hope no one's eating rice at this point.