Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[Roxie parks her car at Tommy's service station and honks her horn. Tommy, played by the homely Arch Hall, Jr., looks up.]
Crow: Honk if you love Eegah!
Tommy: Hi, Roxie!
Joel [as Tommy]: Sorry about my face!!
Crow: Honk if you love Eegah!
Tommy: Hi, Roxie!
Joel [as Tommy]: Sorry about my face!!
[Roxy walks up to her little car.]
Crow [as Roxy]: Taxi! ...Oh, I drove.
. . .
Servo: Y'know, the nice thing about this car is she can fold it up and put it in her purse.
Crow [as Roxy]: Taxi! ...Oh, I drove.
. . .
Servo: Y'know, the nice thing about this car is she can fold it up and put it in her purse.
[Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]
Joel, Servo, and Crow: SHUT UP!!!
Joel, Servo, and Crow: SHUT UP!!!
[Russian names are on the screen.]
Mike: These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee.
Mike: These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee.
[Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]
Ryder: Listen, lady!
Lea: Doctor!
Ryder: Doctor.
Crow: Doctor Lady!
. . .
Ryder: I had to eject! I had no other choice!
Servo [as Lea]: That's Doctor I Had No Other Choice!
. . .
[later, Ryder tries to make up with Lea]
Ryder: Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel.
Mike: It's Doctor Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel.
Ryder: Listen, lady!
Lea: Doctor!
Ryder: Doctor.
Crow: Doctor Lady!
. . .
Ryder: I had to eject! I had no other choice!
Servo [as Lea]: That's Doctor I Had No Other Choice!
. . .
[later, Ryder tries to make up with Lea]
Ryder: Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel.
Mike: It's Doctor Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel.
[Ryder and Lea jump into an "Enforcer" (resembling a tiny bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan]
Servo: Herve Villechaize's Death Car.
Mike: Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy!
Crow [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three!
. . .
Crow [as Kalgan]: We need both horsepowers on this thing!
. . .
[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]
Mike [as Bodyguard]: I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound!
Servo: Herve Villechaize's Death Car.
Mike: Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy!
Crow [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three!
. . .
Crow [as Kalgan]: We need both horsepowers on this thing!
. . .
[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]
Mike [as Bodyguard]: I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound!
[Ryder and Lea kiss at the end of the film]
Servo: They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast.
Servo: They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast.
[Ryder dodges dozens of laser beams fired by Enforcers from about 20' away]
Servo: Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, white thing?
Servo: Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, white thing?
[Ryder heroically heads off to face Kalgan.]
Mike: There goes a big, brave brick of meat.
Mike: There goes a big, brave brick of meat.
[Sam and Joe call McCartin's bluff about permits. He sits down, thoughtfully.]
McCartin: After you load with water�� you leave. Tonight!
Joe: The sooner, the better!
Servo [as Joe/Cheerleader]: The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us!
Crow [as Sam/Cheerleader]: Yay!
McCartin: After you load with water�� you leave. Tonight!
Joe: The sooner, the better!
Servo [as Joe/Cheerleader]: The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us!
Crow [as Sam/Cheerleader]: Yay!
[Sam and Joe enter an old-fashioned peasant village.]
Sam: Looks like they're pretty hard hit.
Mike: Poor dopes, they appear every hundred years and get hit by a huge storm.
Sam: Looks like they're pretty hard hit.
Mike: Poor dopes, they appear every hundred years and get hit by a huge storm.
[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]
Sammy: It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good!
Joel: Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels.
Sammy: It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good!
Joel: Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels.
[Samson walks into the room, wearing a luchadore mask, wrestling tights, and a cape, with no shirt.]
Crow: [trying to stifle a laugh] PfftHAHA!!!
Samson: I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on?
Servo [as Samson]: I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress?
. . .
Mike [as Samson]: So, do you need any wrestling done, or...?
Season 7
Crow: [trying to stifle a laugh] PfftHAHA!!!
Samson: I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on?
Servo [as Samson]: I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress?
. . .
Mike [as Samson]: So, do you need any wrestling done, or...?
Season 7
[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]
Crow [as Santa]: [cheerfully] Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup.
Crow [as Santa]: [cheerfully] Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup.
[Santa Claus makes his way home after delivering his presents.]
Mike [as Santa]: Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. [pause] ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Mike [as Santa]: Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. [pause] ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho!