Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[High school girls attend an assembly. Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence.]
Joel [as Principal]: Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.
Crow [as Principal]: Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen?
[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]
Matronly Woman: Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well.
Servo [as Matronly Woman]: ...and why I'm being fired.
Joel [as Principal]: Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.
Crow [as Principal]: Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen?
[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]
Matronly Woman: Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well.
Servo [as Matronly Woman]: ...and why I'm being fired.
[Hired assassin Cain Miro is busy in his room when he hears a knock on the door. He goes up to it and opens it... outward as bar owner Erika enters]
Crow: Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall!
Cain: Crazy coming up in here...
Joel [as Cain]: ...in my hallway here.
Crow: Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall!
Cain: Crazy coming up in here...
Joel [as Cain]: ...in my hallway here.
[Holly Trumball (Demi Moore) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]
Holly: You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.
Max: I'm going off duty for the day.
Holly: Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.
Joel: Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.
Holly: You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.
Max: I'm going off duty for the day.
Holly: Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.
Joel: Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.
[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]
Hoyt Axton: [singing] My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say?
Crow: She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!"
Hoyt Axton: [singing] My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say?
Crow: She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!"
[Hugo sits in his cage while The Great Vorelli answers the door]
Hugo: Attica! Attica!
Hugo: Attica! Attica!
[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]
Narrator: �� and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.
Joel: Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!
. . .
Narrator: �� having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days��
Servo [as Narrator]: And then tragedy struck -- we ran out of stock footage!
Narrator: �� and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.
Joel: Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!
. . .
Narrator: �� having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days��
Servo [as Narrator]: And then tragedy struck -- we ran out of stock footage!
[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]
Mike: Oh, I suppose Hell got an NEA grant!
Mike: Oh, I suppose Hell got an NEA grant!
[In a barfight, a patron grabs Jake and throws him over the bar.]
Joel: You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar.
Servo: Oh, they hadn't invented that yet.
Joel: You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar.
Servo: Oh, they hadn't invented that yet.
[In a desert, The Bacchus 3 crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]
Crow [as one of the crew]: Hey, corn...CORN?!?
Crow [as one of the crew]: Hey, corn...CORN?!?
[In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.]
Owner: No dancing, not allowed.
Joel: This is just like Footloose.
Owner: No dancing, not allowed.
Joel: This is just like Footloose.
[In a field, Scully watches Mulder pull up some sod.]
Mike: Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of Sod-Laying Man!
Mulder: Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently.
Crow [as Mulder]: ��unlike me.
Mike: Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of Sod-Laying Man!
Mulder: Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently.
Crow [as Mulder]: ��unlike me.
[In a flashback scene, the Creature and a farmer stare at each other through the farmer's barn.]
Mike [as the Creature]: Well, I'll be damned... farmers do exist!
Mike [as the Creature]: Well, I'll be damned... farmers do exist!
[In a monologue about springs directed at his golf partners, implied by several cuts to be extremely lengthy]
Gilbert: I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks...
Mike [as friend]: Guns, huh?
Gilbert: I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks...
Mike [as friend]: Guns, huh?
[In a promotional film from Bell Telephone, we see two dogs on a well-manicured lawn.]
Bell Woman: [voiceover] It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation.
[The sprinklers are then turned on by telephone operated remote control, and the dogs run away.]
Crow: Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on you?!
Bell Woman: [voiceover] It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation.
[The sprinklers are then turned on by telephone operated remote control, and the dogs run away.]
Crow: Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on you?!
[In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]
Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di-- [movie skip] --ren!
Mike: "Kill some diffren"?
Servo: "Diffren"?
Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone!
Crow: You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld?
Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di-- [movie skip] --ren!
Mike: "Kill some diffren"?
Servo: "Diffren"?
Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone!
Crow: You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld?