Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[Hamlet talks with Ophelia in her "closet".]
Ophelia: My prince��
Servo [as Ophelia]: �� are back from Fotomat.
. . .
Hamlet: I never gave you aught.
Crow [as Ophelia]: Tscha!
Ophelia: My honored prince�� you know right well you did.
Servo [as Hamlet]: Right well did not!
Ophelia: My prince��
Servo [as Ophelia]: �� are back from Fotomat.
. . .
Hamlet: I never gave you aught.
Crow [as Ophelia]: Tscha!
Ophelia: My honored prince�� you know right well you did.
Servo [as Hamlet]: Right well did not!
[Hargrove is sitting down at the pub]
Hargrove: Morning, David.
Hawkins: Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you?
Hargrove: Oh, the usual.
Servo: 9 A.M., why so late?
Hargrove: Make it a double, will you?
Crow: Alright, now we're in England.
Mike: Andy Capp: The Movie.
Hargrove: Morning, David.
Hawkins: Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you?
Hargrove: Oh, the usual.
Servo: 9 A.M., why so late?
Hargrove: Make it a double, will you?
Crow: Alright, now we're in England.
Mike: Andy Capp: The Movie.
[Harness races at the grandstand]
Crow [as horse]: Get the car! There's carrots in the car!
Servo [as horse]: Carrots? I love carrots!
. . .
Mike: A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three!
Crow: [quietly, as if off in distance] Aiieee...
Servo: Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh?
. . .
Narrator: They're into the curb.
Servo: And they're into jazz.
Crow [as boy]: Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya!
. . .
[One horse is way behind.]
Mike [as horse]: Uh, hey guys, wait up!
. . .
Narrator: The race is over.
Crow: And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage.
Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys] Elvira...
[Fade to the next scene]
Servo [as Bob]: Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large!
Crow [as horse]: Get the car! There's carrots in the car!
Servo [as horse]: Carrots? I love carrots!
. . .
Mike: A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three!
Crow: [quietly, as if off in distance] Aiieee...
Servo: Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh?
. . .
Narrator: They're into the curb.
Servo: And they're into jazz.
Crow [as boy]: Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya!
. . .
[One horse is way behind.]
Mike [as horse]: Uh, hey guys, wait up!
. . .
Narrator: The race is over.
Crow: And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage.
Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys] Elvira...
[Fade to the next scene]
Servo [as Bob]: Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large!
[Harry carries Suzy, wearing a hooded white beach robe and opaque sunglasses, from her boat to her boat-like convertible.]
Mike: Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies.
. . .
Servo [as Suzy]: I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion.
Suzy: Will I see you tomorrow?
Mike [as Harry]: Uh, you have to ask the editor.
Harry: [monotone] No... not tomorrow.
Crow [as Harry]: I have a headache... tomorrow.
Mike: Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies.
. . .
Servo [as Suzy]: I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion.
Suzy: Will I see you tomorrow?
Mike [as Harry]: Uh, you have to ask the editor.
Harry: [monotone] No... not tomorrow.
Crow [as Harry]: I have a headache... tomorrow.
[Harry pulls his hugely coiffed wife Beth out of the malfunctioning plane.]
Harry: What happened?
Mike [as Beth]: I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked!
Harry: What happened?
Mike [as Beth]: I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked!
[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]
Capt. Walsh: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen.
Servo [as Capt. Walsh]: An oncoming plane.
Capt. Walsh: Although the sky above remains black��
Crow [as Capt. Walsh]: �� our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry.
Capt. Walsh: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen.
Servo [as Capt. Walsh]: An oncoming plane.
Capt. Walsh: Although the sky above remains black��
Crow [as Capt. Walsh]: �� our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry.
[Having stabbed an intruder behind Gertrude's tapestry, Hamlet discovers it is not the King, but Polonius.]
Hamlet: Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool!
Crow [as Polonius]: Oh, right, it's my fault you killed me.
Hamlet: Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool!
Crow [as Polonius]: Oh, right, it's my fault you killed me.
[Having taken several bullets, a bazooka round, and a blast from a flamethrower, Lon Chaney emerges from the sewer much the worse for wear.]
Servo: Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man.
Servo: Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man.
[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]
Joel [as Chillas]: Let's eat some butter. Gobs of butter. Big handfuls!
[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]
Phil: What's this?
Servo [as Chillas]: It's made of butter.
Joel [as Chillas]: Let's eat some butter. Gobs of butter. Big handfuls!
[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]
Phil: What's this?
Servo [as Chillas]: It's made of butter.
[Helen's daydream progresses to her marriage.]
Narrator: She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away.
Crow: Speaking of accidents...
Narrator: She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away.
Crow: Speaking of accidents...
[Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog]
Gypsy: Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses!
Joel: [impressed] All right, Gypsy! Good one!
Gypsy: Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses!
Joel: [impressed] All right, Gypsy! Good one!
[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]
Joel: Attack of the Mary Martins! [N]
Joel: Attack of the Mary Martins! [N]
[Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.]
Servo [as a rock monster]: Don't let him get you over his head!
Servo [as a rock monster]: Don't let him get you over his head!
[Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.]
Dr. Hidaka: The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere.
[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]
Joel: There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village.
Dr. Hidaka: The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere.
[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]
Joel: There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village.