PPJ
Okay, that was Greg Zonar, and I didn't date him, he was stalking me.
Mike stalked a girl once. But, Mike stalks a lot of girls.
All S1
S1 E7Free Agent
Fine, we start and finish on three. No fingernails, no disengaging your grip early. In the event of a dispute, we're gonna bring in a neutral party...
I know the rules of a thumb fight!
[Mike wins the thumb fight immediately]
PPJ
[to Kenny] Hey, don't feel bad, you did better than last year, okay?
It was odd, it was like little girl hands.
[Kenny tackles Mike to the floor]
S1 E8Superstar Treatment
I'm going on the record, I think Dani's great.
PPJ
Puh-lease.
Come on, she's cool, she's funny, she's sm—
PPJ
Don't you dare say smart!
Smurfy.
That's the only word you can think of that begins with "sm"?
PPJ
You were gonna say smart. About a woman who thought she was having dinner in another state.
You know what, guys, I feel like I've seen her before.
PPJ
Oh hey, does this help jog your memory? [begins making porn music sounds and talking in a whispery voice] Oh, Mr. Cable Man—
[in a deep voice] Yes?
PPJ
[in porn voice] I want all your channels!
Wow, dinner and a movie.
I've seen this one.
S1 E9Managers
Come on, shots are on me. What do you want?
AAndy
Uh, blue!
PPJ
That was not Fun Andy!
Yes it was! Don't you remember? Fun Andy was the reason you spent your sweet sixteen party in the emergency room.
PPJ
No, he had an allergic reaction.
To cocaine! You take sweet little lovable Andy and you cut him loose and he turns into Mr. Hyde. Or Dr. Jekyll. Who was the one with the fangs?
PPJ
Dracula?
S1 E10Take One for the Team
TTrouty
You ever made love on a bed of popcorn kernels, baby?
S1 E11When Heroes Fall from Grace
PAunt Phyllis
These are petanque boules that I won off of an old man in Provence.
PPJ
Oh wow, these boules are... what are these?
PAunt Phyllis
It's lawn bowling, but much more pretentious.
PPJ
Should we go out and... petanque?
PAunt Phyllis
I've got a better idea, why don't we go to a bar and get pe-tanked?
S1 E12Released
You're a good friend.
You're a good friend too.
You're a really good friend.
You're a really good friend.
PPJ
Alright, before you two start making out can we please get back to the game!
AAndy
This has been my favorite episode of Gilmore Girls.
Alright! [throws poker chip at Andy]
AAndy
[in Valley Girl imitation] You guys were mad at each other, but then you got back together!
S1 E13Baseball Myths
Come on, Kenny, the guy tried to bring a goat into Wrigley Field.
The goat had a ticket.
It wasn't Goat Day.
That's why he bought a ticket. Otherwise he'd have got in free.
I made out with my 10th grade English teacher, Miss Francis.
PPJ
What?!
No, nonononono! It was two years ago, not when I was in high school. That would have been totally creepy.
Did you call her Miss Francis?
Yes.
That's still pretty creepy.
You know, something's been bugging me the last couple of days. Did Brendan put a baby in your stomach?
PPJ
Yes, she lives with my mother.
AAndy
That's who that little girl is! The one in the rock shirts with the five o'clock shadow.
Mexican Freddy's really not Mexican.
AAndy
Sure, just like they call fat guys "tiny" or ugly guys "handsome."
What?
AAndy
You know what I'm talking about, handsome.
PPJ
You know, it's a funny thing about your wife, Andy, it turns out she does not feast on human flesh.
MFMexican Freddy
It turns out I was working out my issues with my father... on your face.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's My Boys pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.