My hovercraft is full of eels.
S2 E12Spam
[A Hungarian man is reading a badly translated Hungarian-to-English phrase book]
PPolice Officer
What's going on here?
You have wonderful thighs.
PPolice Officer
What?
Drop your panties, Sir William! I cannot wait til' lunchtime!
PPolice Officer
Right! [arrests the Hungarian]
My nipples explode with delight!
Spam
BMrs Bun
Have you got anything without Spam?
WWaitress
Well, Spam, egg, sausage, and Spam; that's not got much Spam in it.
BMrs Bun
I don't want any Spam!
BMr Bun
Why can't she have egg, bacon, Spam, and sausage?
BMrs Bun
That's got Spam in it!
BMr Bun
Not as much as Spam, egg, sausage, and Spam,
BMrs. Bun
Look, could I have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage, without the Spam?
WWaitress
Bleurgh!
BMrs. Bun
What do you mean "Ugh?" I don't like Spam!
VVikings
[singing] Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam... Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!
WWaitress
You can't have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage without the Spam.
BMrs. Bun
Why not?!
WWaitress
Well, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, Spam and sausage, would it?
BMrs. Bun
I DON'T LIKE SPAM!
BMr. Bun
No need to kick up a fuss, dear; I'll have your Spam. I love it! I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam!
WWaitress
Baked beans are off.
BMr. Bun
In that case, can I have Spam instead?
WWaitress
You mean Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, and Spam?
BMr. Bun
Yes!
WWaitress
Bleurgh!
S2 E13Royal Episode 13 (or The Queen Will Be Watching)
S1Sailor 1
Still no sign of land. How long is it?
S2Sailor 2
That's a rather personal question, sir.
S1Sailor 1
You stupid git! I meant 'how long have we been in the lifeboat?' You've spoiled the atmosphere!
S2Sailor 2
Sorry, sir.
S1Sailor 1
Shut up! We'll have to start again. Still no sign of land. How long is it?
S2Sailor 2
33 days, sir.
S3Sailor 3
33 days?
S2Sailor 2
I don't think we can hold out much longer. I don't think I did spoil the atmosphere that time.
S1Sailor 1
Shut up!
S2Sailor 2
Well, I don't think I did!
S1Sailor 1
Of course you did!
S1Sailor 1
Do you think I spoiled the atmosphere?
S3Sailor 3
Yes, I think you did.
S1Sailor 1
Look, shut up! Shut up! Still no sign of land. How long is it?
S2Sailor 2
33 days, sir.
S4Sailor 4
Have we started again?
Undertaker Sketch
MMan
Excuse me, are you suggesting eating my mother?
UUndertaker
Well, yeah. Not raw, cooked!
MMan
What?
UUndertaker
Roasted, few french fries, broccoli, horsheradish sauce. [licks lips]
MMan
Well... I do feel a bit peckish.
UUndertaker
Great!
MMan
Can we have some parsnips?
UUndertaker
[calls out behind the desk] Get some parsnips!
MMan
I really don't think I should...
UUndertaker
Look, we'll eat her, and if you're feeling a bit guilty about it afterwards, we'll dig a grave and you can throw up in it!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monty Python's Flying Circus pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.