Monty Python's Flying Circus Season 2 quotes

In the debate, a spokesman accused the goverment of being silly and doing not at all good things. The member accepted this in the spirit of healthy criticism, but denied that he had ever been naughty with a choir boy. Angry shouts of 'What about the watermelon then?' were ordered then by the speaker to be stricken from the record and put into a brown paper bag in the lavvy. Any further interruptions would be cut up and distributed amongst the poor. For the Government, a front-bench spokesman said the Agricultural Tariff would have to be raised, and he fancied a bit. Futhermore, he argued, this would give a large boost to farmers, and a great deal of fun to him, his friends, and Miss Moist of Knightsbridge. From the back benches there were opposition shouts of 'Postcards for sale' and a healthy cry of 'Who likes a sailor then?' from the Minister Without Portfolio. Replying, the Shadow Minister said he could no longer deny the rumors, but he and the Dachshund were very happy. And in any case, he argued, rhubarb was cheap, and what was the harm in a sauna bath?

Yes, we have quite a number of idiots banking here.

What kind of money is there in idioting?

Well, nowadays the really blithering idiot can make anything up to 10,000 pounds a year if he's the head of some big industrial combine. But of course the more old fashion idiot still refuses to take money. He takes bits of string, wood, dead budgerigars, sparrows, anything. But it does make the cashier's job very difficult.

I love animals, that's why I like to kill 'em.

There are a great many people in the country today, who through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane, while others became sane later in their lives. It is up to people like us, who are out of our tiny minds, to help them overcome their sanity. You can start in small ways, with ping pong ball eyes and a funny voice, and then perhaps paint half of your body red and their other half green, and then stand in a bowl of treacle going "SQWAK SQWAK SQWAK!" Finally, you can roll around on the floor going "p'ting p'ting p'ting!"

The Reverend Arthur Belling is vicar at the St. Loony Up the Cream Bun and Jam.

Rule 1 -- no pooftahs. Rule 2 -- no member of the faculty is to maltreat the abos in any way whatsoever if there's anyone watching. Rule 3 -- no pooftahs. Rule 4 -- I don't want to catch any of you not drinking after lights out. Rule 5 -- no pooftahs. Rule 6 -- there is NO Rule 6. Rule 7 -- no pooftahs!

Bruce, I call upon you to close our meeting with a prayer.

Oh Lord, we beseech thee etc., etc., etc., Amen.

Amen!

Right. Now let's get some Sheilas.

That was Part 2 of the death of Mary Queen of Scots; adapted for the radio. And now, Radio Four will explode. [intreval music plays until the radio suddenly combusts]

We'll have to watch the telly then.

Yes.

Well, what's on the television then?

Looks like a penguin.

No, no, no, no! I didn't mean 'what's on the television set?' I meant 'what program?'

Oh.

Funny that penguin being there, isn't it? What's it doing there?

Standing.

I can see that!

If it lays an egg, it will fall down the back of the television set.

We'll have to watch that. Unless it's a male.

Ooh, I hadn't thought of that.

Yes. Looks fairly butch.

Perhaps it comes from next door.

Penguins don't come from next door; they come from the Antarctic!

BURMA!

Why'd you say "Burma"?

I panicked.

Perhaps it's from the zoo.

Which zoo?

How should I know which zoo? I'm not Doctor Bloody Bernofsky!

How does Doctor Bernofsky know which zoo it came from?

He knows everything.

Ooh, I wouldn't like that. It'd take all the mystery out of life. Anyway, if it came from the zoo, it'd have 'Property of the Zoo' stamped on it.

No it wouldn't. They don't stamp animals 'Property of the Zoo'! You couldn't stamp a huge lion!

They stamp them when they're small.

What happens when they moult?

Lions don't moult!

No, but penguins do. There! I've run rings around you, logically.

Oh, intercourse the penguin!

It's just gone eight o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.

How did he know that was going to happen?

It was an inspired guess. And now...

Look, you crumb bum, I'm a star. Star, star, star! I don't get a million dollars to act out of a trench. I played Mrs. St John the Baptist in a trench, and I played Mrs. Napoleon Bonaparte in a trench, and I played Mrs. Alexander Fleming in a furrow, so if you want this scene played out of a trench, well you just get yourself a goddamn stuntman! I played Mrs. Galileo in a groove and I played Mrs. Jesus Christ in a geological syncline!

You've got a pet halibut?

Yes. I chose him out of a thousand. I didn't like the others; they were all too flat.

You're a loony!

I AM NOT A LOONY! Why should I be tarred with the epithet "loony" merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabarro has a pet prawn called Simon, and you wouldn't call Sir Gerald a loony, would you? Furthermore, Dawn Pelforth, the lady show jumper, had a clam called Sir Stefford after the late Chancellor, Allen Bullock has two pikes, both called Norman, and the late, great Marcel Proust had a haddock! If you're calling the author of À la recherche du temps perdu a loony, I shall have to ask you to step outside!

Well, I've been in the city for 30 years and I've never once regretted being a nasty, greedy, cold-hearted, avaricious money-grubber... er, Conservative!

I believe in peace, and bashing two bricks together!

We at the Church of the Divine Loony believe in the power of prayer to turn the face purple!

This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw, Napier Court, Black Lion Road, SE5. He cannot be seen. Now I'm going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Bradshaw, will you stand up please? [in the distance, Bradshaw, stands up. After a pause, a gunshot rings out and Bradshaw then falls to the ground] This demonstrates the value of not being seen.

In 1970 the British Empire lay in ruins, foreign nationals frequented the streets, many of them Hungarians (not the streets--the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconists shops to buy cigarettes...