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Warrick Tennyson: You were the husband?
Adrian Monk: I am the husband.
Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me.
Adrian Monk: Forgive you? This is me, turning off your morphine...
[Tennyson's eyes widen in horror]
Adrian Monk: ...and this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.

[At a Mega-Mart staff meeting, Brent Donovan declares Jennie Silverman the Employee of the Month for the second consecutive month]
Brent Donovan: So this will come as no big surprise to anybody, but the Employee of the Month for the second straight month is, drum roll please, is Jennie Silverman. [Everyone applauses and pretends praise] Well done, Jenny. And as winner, Jenny will enjoy another month of special privilages: the Employee of the Month parking spot in front of the main entrance, of course the--Mega-Mart mug, the gift certificate for dinner for two at the Lobster Barrel on 17th Street - good only on weekdays and does not include lobster - and the winner's plaque, which will be on display right at the main entrance for the entire month, which should inspire all of us.

[At the museum]
Human Corpuscle performer: Hello, I'm a white corpuscle. I'm an important part of your body's defense system. I travel through your bloodstream and I fight bacteria and diseases. Would you like to know more about me?
Natalie Teeger: No. I'd like to know less about you.

[Before the show, Monk and Dwight talk to Val Birch while a crew member adjusts his outfit]
Dwight Ellison: Val Birch? This is my old friend Adrian Monk.
Val Birch: Adrian? Ooh, gym glass must have been hell with a name like that.
Adrian Monk: Yes, yes it was-
Val Birch: Are you nearly done or do you just like touching me?
Stagehand: Almost done.
Dwight Ellison: Adrian's here from San Francisco.
Val Birch: Oh, Frisco? God-awful town! I was there last year. It was foggy the whole week! When are they gonna do something about all that fog?
Adrian Monk: Well, I-I don't know. I'll make some calls.
Val Birch: I couldn't see a damn thing! Not even that, um, uh, golden bridge they've got.
Adrian Monk: The Golden Gate.
Val Birch: No, genius, the bridge.
Adrian Monk: Right, that's what they call it: the Golden Gate-
Val Birch: Okay, okay! Testing 1-2-3, we're done! [walks away]
Dwight Ellison: [to Monk] That idiot's won seven times in a row!

[Colmes refuses to support Monk's reinstatement since their sting didn't turn up any evidence against Salvatore.]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let me tell you something. Adrian Monk may be afraid of germs, heights, elevators, and puppies... but you couldn't pack that man's lunch.
Agent Colmes: Ah, that's true. I've seen that man pack a lunch. He's insane.

[Disher has shown up at Kathy Willowby's cabin, having been lured here by Chinese hitmen]
Adrian Monk: Lieutenant, this was handmade. See the edge? It was cut with scissors.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, did you just drive up here?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, so? [Stottlemeyer looks outside and sees that he is in the center of a sniper's rifle scope]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Get down!
[The hit men open fire, and Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer, Disher, Deputy Coby and Kathy Willowby take cover]
Deputy Paul Coby: Where are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer:' There's at least two! One behind the canoes!
Deputy Paul Coby: Who the hell are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hit men from San Francisco!
Kathy Willowby: Good!
[As the two hit men continue to fire on the cabin, Monk puts Kathy's radio on the table, and notices scorch marks with the shape of an electric cord that run from the electric outlet to the bathtub, while Randy examines his fortunes]
Monk and Disher: [simultaneously] Oh my God, I've got it! Here's what happened! [Monk and Disher start giving their summations simultaneously (Monk about how Kathy Willowby killed her husband Martin and made it look like an accident, and Randy about his girlfriend's relationship), with the camera jumping back and forth between each summation. Randy is shown in a bar when Hayley "accidentally" spills her drink on his lap]
Lt. Randall Disher: We met by accident! I can see it now. God I'm such an idiot! [switches to Kathy electrocuting Martin in the bathtub]
Adrian Monk: ...She dropped the radio into the tub while he was bathing. She needed it to look like an act of God to collect the extra insurance, but... [switches to Randy's fortunes being prepared separately in the kitchen]
Lt. Randall Disher: ...Maybe I believed them because I wanted to believe them. All of those fortunes were printed in advance just for me! [switches to Kathy pouring ice over Martin's body]
Adrian Monk: She had to preserve the body until the storm came!
Natalie Teeger: That's why she bought all those bags of ice.
[flashbacks end]
Deputy Coby: My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Neither one. [A bullet shatters one of the vases behind them]
Lt. Randall Disher: All they had to do was send me a fake IRS check!
Adrian Monk: [at the same time] She froze the body so that the coroner would never be able to determine the right time of death! [A flashback showing a Chinese driver in the garbage truck that nearly ran Randy down is played]
Lt. Randall Disher: The first fortune predicted that I would be save by a dirty death, which is exactly what happened when I left the restaurant. [switches to Kathy putting Martin's body in the boat and creating fake scorch marks]
Adrian Monk: Last night during the storm, she put her husband in the boat, then cut it loose, waited a few hours, and then reported it as an accident.
Lt. Randall Disher: Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She probably broke up with me.
[Outside, Agent Grooms crawls behind one of the canoes and pops up, taking the hit man in front of him by surprise]
Agent Grooms: FBI! Freeze! [He shoots and kills the first thug. The other thug comes over, preparing to shoot Grooms (who is checking the first goon), but Stottlemeyer is ready to take out the second goon]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Grooms! [He shoots and kills the second goon] A little vacation, huh? [Grooms scorches daggers at Stottlemeyer. Inside the cabin, a shaken Kathy stands up]
Kathy Willowby: Is it over?
Deputy Paul Coby: Not for you. I'm gonna order a full autopsy on Martin's body; they'll know if it was lightning or electrocution. [He leads her house of the house while Monk, Natalie and Randy get up]
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Monk and Natalie] So what the hell happened here?
Natalie Teeger: She electrocuted her husband!
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, looks like we've all had a pretty full day: you guys solved a homicide, and I led those two hit men into our trap.
(After hearing a car)

[Disher tests some lasagna Whitman brought in]
Lt. Randall Disher: A little too much oregano, but it's not poisoned.
Jack Whitman: That's what every cook likes to hear.

[Dr. Kroger is at Monk's apartment because Sharona left Darwin loose with Monk.]
Dr. Charles Kroger: I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel?
Adrian Monk: [high-pitched voice] I'm fine. These things happen, what can you do?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Exactly, exactly. These are all just material objects. You can always replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or... [sees] pees on.
Adrian Monk: Chews or pees on... Chews or pees on...

[During a blackout]
Monk: [groans]
Sharona: Benjy, hold his hand.
Benjy: Ow! He's squeezing it!
Sharona: Let him squeeze it.
Monk: When will it be over?
Sharona: Adrian, calm down, they're working on it now, it won't be long.
Monk: When will it be over?
Sharona: I'm telling you, I don't know, they're working on it.
Monk: When will it be over?!
Benjy: Make him stop!
[The lights come back on]
Sharona: See? I told you.
Monk: I didn't know when it would be over.
Sharona: So I heard.

[During the game]
Roddy Lankman: The next question, for $1,500: Which monarch is sometimes known as the Tragic Queen? Was it: A) Queen Elizabeth, B) Marie Antoinette, C) Catherine the Great- [He is cut off when Birch buzzes in]
Val Birch: B: Mary Ann Tonette.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, that is correct: Marie Antoinette.

[during yet another blackout]
Adrian Monk: [stumbles and hits something] I cannot find my night-vision goggles. There is a fatal flaw in the night-vision goggle plan!

[FBI agent Colmes wants Monk to wear a wire into a meeting with mob kingpin Salvatore Lucarelli]
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay. Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.
Agent Colmes: Ah, that's fine. Come here, I'll... let me show you this. Ah, you see, these days... [pulls out a piece of paper] We can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.
[Monk and Sharona examine the list, with Disher and Stottlemeyer looking over their shoulders.]
Adrian Monk: Number One... is out. Number Two... uh, you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you? [Colmes nods.] Okay... no thank you. Number Three...
Sharona Fleming: What if you had to sit down?
Adrian Monk: Right. Good point. Number Four... [slowly looks up at Colmes, then turns to Sharona] Even if I die, don't let them do Number Four.
Lt. Randall Disher: Number Five.
Adrian Monk: I'll do... okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.
Sharona Fleming: That's only for women!
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh! Right.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... Number Six. I'll... I can do that.
Agent Colmes: Number Six? Great.
Adrian Monk: Not Four.

[first lines; Lizzie Talvo is showing an old tape of a Treasure Chest game to her boss]
Roddy Lankman: Doesn't prove anything.
Lizzie Talvo: It proves everything and you know that! Do you wanna see it again?!
Roddy Lankman: No thanks, I hate watching myself on TV.
Lizzie Talvo: Roddy, why did you do it?
Roddy Lankman: You ever been in debt, Lizzie? And I mean real debt. It changes everything.
Lizzie Talvo: That's no excuse. [goes to her dining room with the VHS tape, which she puts into an envelope and addresses to Dwight Ellison]
Roddy Lankman: What are you doing?
Lizzie Talvo: The right thing!
Roddy Lankman: Look, Lizzie, if this is your way of asking for a raise, it worked! Hey, how much do you want?
Lizzie Talvo: I don't want money, Roddy, I'm not you.
Roddy Lankman: All right, you don't want money. Whaddaya want?
Lizzie Talvo: I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to be able to be proud of the show the way I used to be!

[first lines]
[A biker, Dewey Albert, comes out of a store but finds a police officer and undercover cop waiting by his Softtail motorcycle]
Dewey Albert: Aw, man!
Officer Cooper: Hi Dewey. Did you miss me?
Dewey Albert: [to the undercover cop sitting on the bike] Come on, get off the bike. Arrest me, do whatever you want with me, just don't touch the bike!
Officer Cooper: You skipped out on your hearing yesterday; made our Captain very very angry.
Dewey Albert: Well you can tell Stottlemeyer he can kiss my ass.
Undercover Cop: You can tell him yourself; he'll be here any second.
Officer Cooper: Come on, you know the routine, put your hands on the car. [Dewey obeys and Cooper tries to handcuff him]
Dewey Albert: Have you guys got anything better to do?
[A light blue Toyota Corolla pulls up to the nearby intersection. Upon seeing the cops, the driver - whose face is kept hidden - pulls a Springfield 1911 handgun out of the glove compartment and aims it out the passenger's side window]
Dewey Albert: Get off my bike.
Undercover Cop: You know I think I'll take it for a ride.
Dewey Albert: Don't do that, hey. [he tries to move but Cooper restrains him. Stottlemeyer and Disher pull up in their own car]
Undercover Cop: What is this, a vintage Softtail? 80 incher? I've always wanted to ride one of these.
[The driver of the Corolla checks the slide as Stottlemeyer and Disher get out of their car]
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey Coop. This guy giving you any trouble? [A gunshot is heard and the driver's window on Stottlemeyer's unit shatters. The cops duck behind the patrol cars, shouting to each other as the driver continues to fire at them and speeds away]

[In Daniel Thorn's private elevator, Monk throws a scarf around Natalie's neck.]
Natalie: What're you doing?
Monk: We're reenacting the crime. You're the victim.
Natalie: Wh-what if the elevator starts up?! It'll get caught again!
Monk: It's not going to get caught.
Natalie: W-- Then you be the victim!
Monk: N-n-n-n-no! Uh, Sharona was always the victim.
Natalie: I'm sure she was.
Monk: We have a system! It's a good system. There's an old saying: Don't... change... anything... ever.
Natalie: That's an old saying?
Monk: I've been saying it for years.